My Holidays...

have been nice. Although I am very ill with a respiratory illness. Now it seems I've developed a bad sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. My immune system is down according to my doctor. I know it has to do with the stress of the holidays and grieving over Thomas.

I miss him so much. Every morning when I wake I have to remind myself that he's not here. When we had our class dinner last Sunday, I sat watching people interacting and would think.. "I can't wait to tell Thomas about....this or that!" Then I would remember that I can't and a sadness fell over me as I sat watching everyone have so much fun. Scott who was one of Thomas's best friends sat with me and we shared a sort of somberness as we looked around. Neither of us spoke much and when we did it was about Thomas... how he would have loved being there and so on.

Maybe when I am over this illness and feeling stronger, I won't be so sad. Maybe I'll find a way to start living like I was when he was alive, being the woman he so loved and admired.

Holidays

It's been a difficult 19 days without Teez but I'm surviving. The holidays are almost here and I'm so not in the spirit of things but I pretend. Good thing I can act. A major chest cold and I are battling over dominion of my body adn it's winning. Work is ok...keeping up with things without stressing out. The nephews are excited about the holidays and helped me decorate the tree this week.

Sunday a bunch of my OHS classmates and I are getting together to break bread. Should be interesting. I don't like half of them. My plan is to go over the reunion ideas I have and get feedback. Want this whole thing done and over with as soon as possible.

After the holidays I plan to do some heavy reflecting and try to figure out my next move... what I need to survive this life.

God sent me a laugh

Wes from next-door came by today to check on me. I told him about the dinner for Keith (the guy with Lou Gerigh's disease). I've organized a dinner for him with about 12 of our classmates and their spouses. We're having it in two Sundays. Told him where and when.

He said he was going to show up about mid-meal and walk up to me, crying and pleading for me to return to him saying "Sherrie, you've got to come back to me." Then to everyone sitting at the table, "She's my baby's momma. We need her back. The baby is 11-months-old. Sherrie said she was going to Bojangles for coffee 6 months ago and hasn't come back yet. We've got a 3-yr-old and a 7-yr-old at home. I just want my babies' momma back."

I laughed my ass off. I can just imagine some of the faces at the table...mouths open, eyes popping out. Then he said, "I'm gonna borrow an interracial child to take with me."

I said, "Do it. This is a hoot! Hey, would be cool if you could find an Asian child."

He pointed at me and said, "There ya go!"

I hope that my classmates understand that if a round pecan toned African American guy wearing expensive clothing comes up to me, crying and begging me to come home with him... not to think hard of me. I can't help it if the drive-thru at Bojangles takes months to go through.

so...

I'm here. Really thought I would be able to write about Teez's funeral services, etc. Thought I would be able to honor him and our love with a post, but I can't. My heart is so full of sorrow that it beats tears.

He wrote this to me on Oct. 13. It was titled Another Goodnight. We had already exchanged goodnight emails.

Games are over, both the CHARGERS & the DODGERS won! Yay! Anyway, your last message has been on my mind & in my heart so I had to say goodnight one more time...not sure why I felt the need to do so.

Sherrie, do not doubt the validity of your womanhood. You are a strong, passionate, sincere, & caring woman. Probably have touched me in ways no other woman has both in passion & in your soothing, enchanting words. You are so smooth with your writings, I find myself spellbound sometimes & longing for more...the endings making me yearn for an ending that's soon to come, but never quite welcome because it only means I have to wait for the next one. I want to hear your voice again right now, the softness of it, the sweetness of it in my ear...

I want you to know that the class reunion matters not a bit to me, but OUR "reunion" of sorts has brought renewed energy & vigor into my world. I feed off of you, you feed from me. It works! We've shared so much & yet it seems the pot is not empty, there is more to devour of each other. There is more yet to explore & experience. Life holds so many surprises, some pleasant & some not so pleasant. This one between us is proving to be a precious moment in my life, one to be treasured, embraced, & appreciated for every second it exists! Thank you Sherrie for the YOU you've shown me, for the fresh "breath" you've breathed into my restless soul...

You are appreciated. You are valued. You seek & have found your validation thru me...savor it, & your life to it's fullest!
TEEZ

In so many ways, he has created the measuring stick that I'll use on future lovers...one that very few will measure up to...if any.

Connections like ours are so rare. A once-in-a-life-time-thing I fear. Maybe in time I can hope to find it again.

Saying goodbye

Tomorrow is the funeral. Tonight the visitation at the Funeral home. Would you believe my fair-weather-friend Bonnie is driving me up there? She's called several times a day this week to check on me. I never would have believed it possible. I really am thankful for her friendship and now see her with different eyes.



Here is his obit link from the funeral home site. I left a condolence on behalf of our class. You can click on his name in the Obit list. Thomas loved attention. And would be glad I left this link for my readers.

Thomas wrote this as a reply to a blog post on my myspace page about What's really important about Living. Please read it and take to heart his words:


"Living" as I see it involves TIME, more than love but not excluding it. TIME spent with those you love, those you truly care about, even a distant neighbor wants TIME from those around them. Completely "centered" in our lives is this yearning to be part of someone's TIME. When all is said & done, all we have is our TIME & it is precious. There always seems to be very little of it to go around, but it's about prioritizing that time to include what's REALLY important. The TIME taken to stop & browse a book when in a store, the TIME taken to say yes to a freind's invitation to lunch even though we know we have other things to do. Special TIMES taken to go visit a person you've not seen in years...it's all about TIME.

When we leave this Earth, all we will carry with us is the legacy of how we spent our TIME. All anyone will remember of our lives is how we shared our TIME with them, if we did at all. Treasure TIME as if a precious diamond, unique yet so giving when shared. Touch those you love with TIME...
TEEZ


So if you are reading this, please live like Thomas...grabbing each day and making it yours. Keeping in mind that life and love are short and should be embraced. Find time for the people you love, because that is what is left behind...the memory of time spent together. Believe in positive thinking and never give up on yourself and life.

Hanging in here

Somehow I am managing to survive, even if with tears. I am amazed at the people who saw through mine and Thomas's banter on the myspace class page and knew there was more to us than just words. So many have sent me emails and called, offering support and telling me how Teez told them that I had made a difference in his life...and a few of his oldest and dearest friends thanked me for giving him such a wonderful send-off...that it was obvious to them that he suddenly had a spring in his step, a fire in his eyes and a smile in his soul after years of barely getting by.

There words are kind and taken to heart... yet how am I to fill this void he left... no more emails waiting for me...no more talks for hours...no more touches to my hair, to my body...

My day was so long.. and a few times I checked my email to see if he had written, only to be reminded he won't. Once the phone rang and I prayed to God that it would be him saying 'Gotcha.'

I miss him so much. Even as I am surrounded with loving emails and other things...they can't take the place of a man who made my life so bright, so full of love and everything positive. I know this will probably be the love of my life...and even with the pain, it is worth the love we shared...and the love that still breathes inside me.

One breath at a time...is how I am living until I can find a way to live without him.

Thomas...

died this morning. His heart gave out. My heart is breaking... and I don't know how it will ever be the same without his bright light.

So say a prayer or two for those of us who loved him.

Thanks.

I'll be back I'm sure.. to mourn and try to find my path.

Cold day..night

Been fighting a sinus headache all day and now night. Sipping some chamomile tea with a few drops of lemon added. It's hot and soothing.

Things have been a bit hectic. Work mainly. I think I am better emotionally regarding Tz and even Al. Things will be what they will. I must confess though that Tz has done his best to soothe my worries about us. He tells me not to distress, because great days await and when they do happen...then I should watch out. It dawned on me the other night that he isn't really pushing me away, he's pushing the passion aside so that he won't trip a heart attack. Then once his heart surgery is finished and he's mended...we'll be back to the passionate beings we are ... though dormant at the moment. I can wait. I am the most patient woman in the world.


As for Al...we'll slowly dissolve because I've always been the glue that works at holding us together. Time will solve this issue.

William is on the A/B honor roll and does 80% of his homework on his own. I must say he's growing up and is into the tween thing. He's left Harry Potter behind and is now a huge Indiana Jones fan. At night our stories are about "Indiana William." I have to make up adventures about running, jumping, defying death. Ben has been slowly catching up on his reading. His report card had improved muchly but he is still behind in many areas. My sister has been working with him more than I have. Funny how she takes the time to help Ben with his homework but when William was that age, I was the one she asked to work with him. But then again, I believe that I've helped him come along ways in regards to his school work, so I'm not truly complaining.

Been spending a lot of my time at myspace. My OHS page is really active. Some of my classmates and I like to goof off in the comment section. Lately it's been the girls against the guys and GIRLS RULE. I think that when we do have the reunion that those of us on the page will automatically clump together because the ice is broken and we've learned to joke around with each other. I'm hoping that's the way it will be.

I hope that everyone who reads me is doing ok. My 08 novel is slowly going up on the blog at my website. There is a link on the homepage. It's almost autobiographical. I may have to change that later.

Take care.

apples

I dropped in the IGA on Bragg Blvd last night. Al had left some cash for me to go and pick some stuff up for him. While I was out I forgot to do it. Usually I drop in there on Sunday's before church lets out... last night was the first time I had ever gone at night...it was around 6:30 or so...

The place was almost deserted. I found a park right in front of the door, which never ever happens. I got a shopping cart, made sure my purse was zipped and decided to go from end to end because Al's list was in my head and my head sometimes refuses to recite things properly.

I went down two aisles and encountered a black lady with two kids, a really fat girl of about 8 who was busy trying to inhale chocolate peanuts through their plastic wrap and a boy who was maybe 4. He was busy eating a bright red apple. I smiled at him because he had on a red sweatshirt and the apple was the same exact color.

Didn't get far when I noticed the boy was running around the aisle in an erratic fashion. Something about it was familiar but I kept doing my thing. On the next aisle I saw him again...alone, eating his apple. I started to speak to him but the words froze in my throat. The boy was austic. I saw the vacant look and realized I knew it. William, the oldest used to have that look, used to run around like that and... I felt a kinship with this child. A sorrow for the mother who was probably my age...

I pointed the boy in the direction of his mother who was frantically calling his name..."Jamal....Jamal". I said, "Go." When William used to be like the boy I found that simple instructions worked the best. He went running to her.

A few aisles over I accidentally knocked down some paper towels and was bending over and putting them back in place. Jamal appeared again. We were eye-level and I smiled at him. He looked at me and offered me some gnawed apple. I saw him. I saw a flash of the boy locked inside and I felt a rise in my heart. I pretended to bite the apple and he laughed. Then I pointed him in the direction of his mom...and once again said "Go."

We played the "Go" game all through the grocery store. But that was the only time I saw the boy within during the aisle games. At the check-out I stood waiting and suddenly he appeared with the apple core and a bag of candy. He showed me both. I pointed at his mother and he trotted back over. She was two checkouts away. She looked at me and said, "He has autism and is everywhere. I usually have someone watch him when I have to go out but no one could tonight."

I said, "He's little Jamal Apple-seed and a very special boy." My heart was full of things to say but we had to check out. Then I heard a bunch of laughter from the register that the lady was at. Jamal was holding out the apple core for the lady to ring up. He was there once again... shining from the inside. Then he was gone. He kept running to the door but didn't go out.

After I got my bags, I went outside and stopped outside the door. A voice said, "Little apple boy is going to make a break." I was right. The automatic doors opened and he flew out. I stopped him and offered my hand to him. He took my hand and his was sticky from eating the apple. I could smell apple and we waited for his mom to come out. She did in a flutter of plastic bags.

"You are an angel," she said when she saw us standing there, so patiently. I said," He's a special boy. I didn't want him to get hurt or someone grab him." We walked to her car and I helped her get him in his seat. I leaned over and kissed his head but he didn't notice. He found a piece of paper to play with. His mother and I put the bags in her truck and I wanted to say so much but really didn't know where to start.

I had been there before and I knew the road ahead of her was going to be tough but with love and paitence and damn determination, he could be unlocked. So I said, "Inside his autism, a boy is waiting to be released. Have the courage to find the key that will unlock him."

I don't know if she understood. I hope she did. There's a wealth of apple seeds inside the core of that child. I just hope and pray that somehow the seeds will be released and he'll rain big juicy red apples on the world.

Breathing and Living

Things are better. I think that Tz tried to put a block between us but realized he couldn't...we still aren't 'done' as he puts it. This morning I had an email from him... he wrote "Maybe I'll talk to you today? My heart of hearts desires it so."

Yesterday we talked for an hour and he sounded stronger... he starts radiation/chemo this upcoming Monday... he says that once he sees how it goes, he'll decide when I should come visit.

I'm patient... I can wait.

oh well...

Tz is out of the hospital. He got home yesterday. We talked for a while at around 5 pm and he said that our intimacy won't go on...aka sex, because he's afraid he'll have a heart attack...at least until he has his valve surgery and who knows when that will be.

I noticed a withdrawal from him in ways... I guess he's protecting himself by putting a blanket between us. My heart aches so much. Since I'm writing 'our' story all the intensity of us is still so fresh and vivid. I can't write on it right now..and I need to if I am going to finish it by Nov 30. But the memories I'm reliving are so strong and so happy. But my heart isn't.

There is a hole in my soul.

I can't even finish writing the blog post...

sorry.

I thought....

...that I had something profound to say but I don't! It was there and then...puff...gone!

I was told last night by a very old friend that I was like an bottomless Pitcher... when it came to caring about people...and that I should make sure that whoever I decide to care about should be an endless mug, because when I pour out 'sherrie' it is everlasting, flows for an eternity & thus endless and there would be a deep sorrow if I overflowed from a standard mug, spilling even one drop!

Hmm...maybe I did have something profound to say after all.

Today

No one on our block is open except us! I should be getting a lot of work done but I'm not. Not feeling the best today...and for some reason the PC is a little slow. Guess I should clean out the files.

Tz may be out of the hospital by tomorrow. He was hoping he could go home today when I talked to him this morning. I haven't taken the time to call since then. May just wait to hear from him when he gets in. Yesterday was his birthday and I don't think he had any visitors other than the girl he dates. She works there and dropped by after she got off and stayed for about 20 mins. I wish I had known he was going to be alone. I would have taken the day off and spent it with him.

But I plan to drop by when he's ready for me once he gets home and back into his routine. Not sure when Radiation/Chemo will start, so we'll play it by ear. At least he's better and stronger than a week ago.

Had an ok weekend with Al. He didn't have a lot to say and spent Sunday on the golf course. When he got back, we had dinner and after dinner I made small talk and told a few jokes. He accused me of drinking!!! I hadn't had a beer or anything...was just being ME...like I always am. Witty and laughing. It hurt my feelings that he assumed I was drinking because I made some corny jokes! I told him he needs to lighten up some and that if we stay 'starched' I'm done with us.

How can one person change so much in 10 months??? Am I crazy to continue to be with him...I did promise to give it to the first of the year but... is this the way it will be until then? I wonder if he even realizes how different he's become... how remote for US he's acting!

I just want to be happy... yet I can't seem to give up on Al.

From the Heart

From the Heart (A long blog post) (reposted from myspace)

Once again I sit in front of the monitor with fingers tapping out letters forming words, then sentences and finally paragraphs. And I have no idea where this blog post is going to lead me... well, that's not true, I have an idea but getting it out here...is another thing.

I confess that sometimes I take the long road in expressing myself when most people would probably hit the express lane.

I'm listening to Great White's "Rock Me." Good song...reminds me of G-vegas in the mid-late 80's and all the crazy times I had at the Attic, Susie's Treehouse and Rafters...I had fun at other bars but these three places Rocked...me.

The Attic... Al's cousin Dennis was once a Roadie for Doc Holiday (a band that played at the Attic often). He told me a funny story about how Doc H had played at a bar in Raleigh a week before doing the Attic and the owner of the Raleigh Bar gave the Roadies some free T-shirts. They set up for the Attic concert earlier in day and that night they are all wearing their free Tees ..but Tom (I think that was his name) the owner of the Attic won't let them in because he felt they were advertising for another bar (which really wasn't in competition with the Attic since it's in a different TOWN). So Dennis and the other Roadies go outside, take off all their clothes and try to re-enter the Attic. LOL... man I'm so glad I didn't see that!...and no they weren't admitted.

There were some great acts at the Attic. Kixx...totally rocked. I was front stage (and had to fight to keep it) and the guitarist let me fondle his leg from toe to upper and I mean upper thigh... lol. When that happened, my roommate Jeri sent some muscle guy to remove me from proceding further and getting kicked out. Now, I wasn't too happy then but now...I'm glad she used her muscle to keep me in line. Then there was Vixen, the heavy metal one hit wonder chicks..they rocked. I remember Greg Allman playing there and he got lost on the street in front of Rafters during his break, he was Totally fubar! If I have to explain that one..

Susie's Treehouse deserves a blog post of it's own. I'll have to remind myself to make some whiskey sours and write... and Rafters...what can I say. I knew the most popular oldies DJ when he was the grand master metal mixer in Rafters during the wicked 80's.

Now "Cumbersome" is playing... Three William Mary. A local metal band from the 90's (KatDaddy's Fishhouse) did a great cover of this song. I used to direct the guitarist in our church's children's choir during the late 70's. LOL..see what kind of influence I have on young minds.

"Every Rose has its thorn" by Poison is on...my middle name is Rose, btw and yes I have thorns.

For the last week, I've been thinking a lot on hearts of the matter. Or is that matters of the heart... I forget!

Since I started looking for classmates back in August, I've looked inside my year books on and off... and now.."Always and Forever" is playing... how appropriate... anyway...Sorry I have to stop and sing-along...bare with me...

Turned the playlist off when it finished, so I won't go down every off-beaten musical path I hear...

But getting back to my ramble...one of my online pals asked if I planned to reconnect with any crushes I had during my school years. Well, I laughed out loud for real when I read that email. I think I had one secret crush but it wasn't so bad that I pined away for an eternity. So no...there are no past crushes I plan to rekindle.

But her email got me to thinking about my past love issues and how that maybe if I had of had a bunch of broken high school flings, I might not have been so heartbroken the first time I really fell hard in love with a bouncer at one of the G-vegas clubs in 1985! During the years before that, I always guarded my heart and never let myself get too attached to any guy. I dated guys that were sorta vain and easily distracted by bright shiny objects until I met this bright shiny object in the form of a tall blonde giant...and fell helplessly in love at the first hello.

We flirted for months...until he asked me out on my golden birthday--Oct. 23, 1985 (I was turning 23). It was a magical night...and for the first time in a long time I let my heart and my body tumble head-over-heels. He seemed to be as smitten as I was...and we dated for over a month. When you're in love you can ignore the warning signs of things not quite right...at least that's my excuse. He wasn't always available for me to see..and I chalked it up to working late at night.

Finally right before Christmas, he told me the truth...he was involved with another girl and had been dating her for 2 years! Shockingly I was the other woman...and I was crushed. And promptly stopped seeing him, even as my heart broke into thousands of pieces. It took me years to get over him... I think in part because he was the first guy I said "I love you" to...and truly meant it.

From him, I learned that love may be blind but don't let it be stupid too!

After this broken affair, I dated on and off... was stalked and that made me very cautious of men...but on the bright side, had a great friendship with benefits with a special guy who never noticed the Playgirl centerfolds tacked above my bed...lol...

Sadly all things have to end and so did this...once I moved back home from Greenville in Dec. 1988. Then in Feb 1989, I ran into a guy who was two years ahead of me in high school. You know...I didn't like him then and why I let myself be lead by the nose into a relationship with him for 6 years is still beyond me. I think I was under the assumption that at 26, I need to settle down with someone, get married and have babies and a station wagon or something...maybe a dog...oh and some tuperware.

When I think of this relationship, I don't feel anything, except Indifference! I truly believe that indifference is worse that hate, because with hate you feel something!

Within 3 months, we said I love you. And an engagement ring followed...so did the problems. I stuck with him, because I made a commitment of the heart. A solemn vow that I refused to break. During his drug problems, I kept thinking...if we were married we would work this out...and thought the same when he started cheating on me during our last 2 years together. I spent 6 years with this man, thinking that my love would conquer all our problems.

I was so terribly wrong. There's a full line for all of us... we take and take and once that line is flooded, we are able to say "ENOUGH." That's what I did with him... and ended things for good. My parting words were... "One day ...maybe not tomorrow or next week...or even a month from now, but one day you'll be on your knees before me, crying and begging me to come back to you. Because I'm the best thing that has and will ever happen to you."

Five months later my forecast came true. And that's when I felt my first sample of Indifference! From this relationship, I learned that one person's love can't 'fix' a damn thing in a relationship, if the other person isn't willing to work too.

A few months later, I met Al. We danced and flames flew around us. He was my first real whirlwind, my first meeting of mind/body/soul... we connected on a mental level that was above any relationship I had ever had. We sat for hours talking...or driving down country roads talking...we shared visions and laughter. And a year later, I knew I was deeply and passionately in love with him. I thought ...finally my Prince has come.

But there's a dark side to this...the demons he kept close to his heart and the liquor that soothed them. For 5 years, I fought to win over the demons and lost... I was drowning in them just as he was. Only I was his rock...the one he clung to in the rapids of life. And eventually it was too much. I had to break things off or my soul would die.

It was difficult to say goodbye, because we both still loved each other so much. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices of the heart in order to live the next day.

From Al, I learned that you can still go on living without that person you so deeply love. It's possible to let go...now it might be painful but it won't kill you unless you allow it to.

About a year after Al and I broke up, I met a guy I really wasn't impressed with. He had tanned ankles. For some reason a guy who wears loafers without socks and has tanned ankles turns me off! But he was impressed with me and kept calling me at work until I finally gave out my home number. When he called that night, we had fun talking for over 3 hours. We fell into a phone relationship (for 6 months until he finally got the nerve to take me out--yes, I'm a patient gal) because he worked out of town most of the time and actually lived in Charleston SC. I didn't mind. Truth be told I wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

This guy killed me though... he would talk himself out of dates with me because he thought I was too much fun to be around and he had teen-aged sons whom he wanted to spend time with... He would say things like "Dammit, you're too cool. Now I want to spend all my free time with you but I can't. My sons need me." And I would say "Stop thinking beyond the moment. Just go with the flow and see what happens." But he didn't. He couldn't. I knew it wouldn't last with him...he was too wishy washy about the possibility of a serious relationship--one he wanted yet couldn't bring himself to have.

There's no hard feelings on my part. When I think of him I wonder about all the possible wonderful relationships he's talked himself out of and if now that his sons are grown, has he allowed himself the joys of letting someone in his heart.

With this guy I learned that you can't force someone to like you, much less love you and am glad I never tried... another thing I learned was that it was okay NOT to know where an affection for someone was headed...to let it just be.

I dated a few others... and have no regrets of the time I spent and can actually say I made some great friends during these years.

Then Al shows up again in my life in Dec 2005...6 years after we broke up and the chemistry we shared was still so vivid and undeniable...so I fall back into his arms. For about 6 months things were the best ever. He had stopped drinking, battled and won the war over his demons and was working to have things..for us. There was talk of marriage ...of the real life possibility of it. Then things were shot down by a car wreck he was in, his health (prostate issues/diverticulitous) and the loss of his job due to the business closing.

I stuck by him and kept thinking... if we were married I would still be here. Funny how you can fall back into old habits... and so... I have stayed. Back in Feb, he got a great paying job and has been very successful but...he's driven to make money now...and I realize that he's not the same carefree man I once loved. Maybe I was in love with the drinking fun Al...who I was around for five years the first time around...and the fun Al was there when we rekindled the romance...but he's gone now. There's little laughter between us....and I thrive on laughter--my soul needs it.

Another stone tossed in is his religious beliefs... he's become a devout born again Christian who considers intimacy a sin. Tell that to a hot-blooded Scorpio woman!

So another ending is beginning to begin after almost 3 years of being back together...and I still can't walk away from it...from the love we once had...from the dreams I once clung too...

I don't know what lesson I've learned this time around...I guess I'll know once the tale's been told...

But I will say this much...recently I've realized through an awakening of my body/soul/mind and spirit that when you are touched in all those areas...when you find a connection that lifts you...embraces you and soothes you, while inspiring you and giving you so much joy...that there is no greater freedom of the heart than this...that it's not meant to be caged or labeled or placed on a pedestal...but to be stroked, to be enjoyed and validated as only two connected souls can...while it is there ...existing within...

that it's okay to have matters of the heart that matter to the heart...without the labels and bindings so many fall into, only to lose it...forever.

And the sun shines again...

As you can see from my previous blog post, I've been an emotional wreck these past couple of weeks, worrying about Teez, worrying about our 'thing', worrying about Al and our impending split, worrying about...many things.

After work, I stopped at Big Lots. I love that place. I always find neat things there and this time I actually picked up 3 Xmas presents and 2 birthday presents and 4 stocking stuffers...all for under 30 bucks! Can't beat that!

On the way home I decided to call Thomas and see how he's doing...make it short if he's still distant. HE wasn't. I said, "Hi, Just calling to get updates on you." He said, "I'm having spaghetti for dinner." We talked about that for a moment or two, then he said, "Baby, I'm actually better today. Got great news on my culture. It was clean--no staph reported. But they found a blood clot in my shoulder so I'm taking meds for that." I said, "Great. I know that part sucks. But it's terrific that the staph infection is over."

Then he said, "I'm better today. I feel better, brighter..." My heart soared. He sounded like my Teez. So we made small talk. He gave me a rundown of his weekend plans...Sunday will be a day full of visitation from some friends and family. But he emphasized that he wanted me to keep in touch over the weekend. That it was ok if I called because he told everyone about me...not sure what he's told but he said no matter who answered the phone I was to tell them who I was and they would promptly get him. Not to fret or worry about it.

I promised I would. I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel this weekend. The monthly curse will start tomorrow or Sunday and I dread it. Plus Sunday is the 10th year anniversary of my miscarriage. It's been weighing on my mind the last few days...mainly because I've had two close friends to mention it. One said out of the blue, "I wish your baby had lived." Talk about a stab ot my heart...and the other said, "You and Al should light a candle for your lost little one." Another out of the blue comment... I guess it's weighing on their minds because it's a big milestone to pass... yet feels like it happened yesterday. Being on my period will bring back the memory of the pain. I don't know how Al will be ...he and I are not on the best of terms now, although I do try to make things light...I know the last time I mentioned the miscarriage, he made an excuse to leave the room for some odd chore. SO I know there will be no comfort from him.

During one of our long phone conversations, I found myself telling Thomas about it. He cried with me. I've never known a man who can reflect my moods at the right time and moment. He said I gave him a gift...a part of my soul...with my sorrow. And he repaid me with the pictures and tale of losing his toes and foot and eventually a leg. I stood beside him while he showed me picture after picture, saying he hadn't looked a them in many years. I felt the loss as deeply as he did. We didn't cry but I touched him during the whole viewing process and I knew he was moved that I didn't flinch or run from the horror but understood his loss and the courage it took to carry on.

This afternoon, after we talked for a good 15 mins, I told him he needed to finish his dinner but he wouldn't let me hang up ...he kept saying some of the funniest things. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Finally I said, "Thomas, stop making me laugh." He said, "But I love your laugh. It warms my soul."

Mine is warm too.

Bad News...

Thomas had bad news for me when I called yesterday afternoon. It seems his heart is working at 35%! They're doing tests today.

I feel so excluded from what's going on with him. When we talked or rather he talked, he had a distance in his voice that I've never heard. Then in the middle of the conversation he said that the girl he 'dates' was there and they were waiting for the cardiologist to come talk to him. I didn't know what to say to him...only that I was there if he needed me. Then he said, "I'm dealing with some strong emotions right now that I didn't count on having to deal with." We said bye and that was that!

I spent hours in an emotional torment... I realized that that I was not good at being the 'other' woman.

We spent 30 mins on the phone talking Wed night...sweet nothings and how things would get back to where they belong once he was home...

now this!

I am trying to have faith but it's difficult. I feel as if I am doomed to continuiously have love snatched away from me.

A Brighter day

Even if it is misty and gray out!

I heard from Tz today! He's still at UNC hospitals but is doing a little better. The staph infection (MRSA) has been straining his heart. He's got a lot of fluid built up and they are doing their best to battle it. He was very chipper and sounded strong. When I called his doctor was there and he asked me to hold on...I noticed he put the phone receiver where I could hear their conversation...

that was his gift to me for today... I listened and was thankful I could understand all that was said...

He told me that on Monday, his sprained wrist had a lot of fluid on it, so they numbed it and drained it...while he was alert! He said, "And I didn't scream like a girl! Not once. It hurt like hell, but I didn't go girly on them." I laughed but I think that's what he wanted... to hear me laugh.

He told me to call whenever I could...that he was a lot better but still not well enough to go home..but he planned on doing all the doctor said to do, so he could get back home.

I can breathe easy now... or rather easier. I've been writing our story and it's hard to get him off my mind. But according to him...it's 'ditto.'

Prayers work.

in a way.. I'm here

Last week was very busy. This week will be the same..the start of the holiday season for me.

I started on my NaNoWriMo novel Saturday... it will be about T and I...but in fiction form...there will be a lot of our exchanges woven in there. I am not sure if I will post it online or not... But I do know that once I finish it I will publish it in book form throught he createspace.com site and send him a copy...

if he's still here...

at this moment he's checking into the UNC hospital. He's got fluid building in his lungs, a dislocated shoulder and a sprained wrist...he's still weak from the MRSA bug and I fear that he's not going to get better soon. These conditions are causing him to fall behind in chemo treatments and then radation/chemo. He wanted to start the radation next week but it won't happen...not as long as he's weak like he is now.

I realized today when he called to tell me he was being admitted and for me not to worry..that he would be back soon... I realized that I love this man. I love him with a depth that I didn't know existed... this love I have... will stay with me and keep me warm, when I am missing him so much...it will remind me that although it is difficult that I am lucky to know it..to feel it beat in my heart...

and no matter what happens, it will always be with me...

so if I am quieter than normal..it's because I am praying for his survival with every free moment I have... it's because I am writing our story and am lost in the amazement of love and the way that God can put a person in your path for reasons that fail to be understood...I believe that Thomas is my reminder that life and love are so short...to hold them tight yet not smother ...to allow breathing room and to remember to thank God for the ability..the opportunity to love and to live..as if each day is your last.

Oct 08's last Thursday

This month has flown by. It's very cold here. I feel as if winter jumped in before autumn could arrive. My sister and I are alledgedly having a yard sale Saturday but I bet she opts out. I will be a bit pissed because I have a truck load of yard sale stuff I got from Al's, all ready to go.

I talked to Tz yesterday afternoon and he sounded much better. He should have been a voice-over artist, because he can rip into some of the funniest characters and go off on long dialogues. I laugh so hard at him... the last time we were together he had his wanker talking to me in a very funny voice. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, which made him laugh until he couldn't breathe. He said, "I like to make you laugh. I'm happy when you're laughing like this." When he made me laugh yesterday, I knew he was recovering. He's going to the beach with the girl he 'dates' this weekend to see his mom and step-father. I'll miss him.

He called last night at midnight. I was still up and he said, "Is it too late to call?" I said no. Then he said, "I'm not calling because I have to. I'm calling because I want to. I just woke up and thought, 'I want to say good night to Sherrie.'"

We talked for about 3 mins and I made him go back to sleep. This morning was the first time in almost a week where I had a Good Morning email from him. Little things like that make me happy.

I will probably stay home this weekend. Al has to work both days and I really don't feel like sitting at his house. Unless M calls... if she wants to get together, I'll probably go. If not...I'll start working on my novel and do some of my online class stuff. Maybe get my winter clothes down from the attic, since it will be a cold winter. At least that's my forecast...

Last night was the first time I've pulled out my Tarot cards in months. I did some readings and was surprised at how on target they were...

There are a lot of things I want to write about... Al and I declining...Tz and I uplifting...work and home life... insights into my soul...you know, things like that...

so if I am disjointed in my posts, it's because there is so much I want to release at one time...that it will be impossible to be coherent, because there's so much love and life living inside me.

November is National Novel Writing Month

National Novel Writing Month begins Saturday. I was going to write a children's book but opted out on the idea because this thing that's grown in leaps and bounds between me and Tz needs to be told. Never has anyone changed my outlook on life and love in so short a time. Our paths have crossed for a reason and like he says, "I don't know why we're here together but we have to follow it." Never has any man given me so much encouragement and believed so deeply in who I am and strives to provide what I need on all aspects of my being.

We became reaquainted while I was looking for classmates for the reunion back in early Sept. He sent me an email, informing me he might not make the reunion and to share his photos. I replied that I hope he makes it and that he still looked handsome (which was true compared to some of our classmates who hadn't aged that well.) He replied with "I see you've got your flirt on." And things went from there. Below is one of the first emails he sent about all the health issues he's dealt and is dealing with.

Just to give you a summary in a nutshell of my health issues I've dealt with in the past few years....diabetes, dialysis, kidney transplant, amputation of toes on right foot, amputation (below the knee) of left leg, lymphoma cancer survivor, and most recently (in Feb.) I was diagnosed with Stage 3 colo-rectal cancer. I am currently doing chemo with radiation to follow in about 2 1/2 months. I will do the radiation DAILY for 5 weeks... Take a deep breath as you absorb this info. The pics I sent you were of me AFTER all of this, so I'm still handsome & probably the most positive person you'll ever meet! I have to be in order to have survived this! God has me here for a reason I've yet to discover...

I was married from '96 until '06 to a wonderful woman whom I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but she suddenly wanted to re-live her 20's, so she left me.... Marriage is meant to be a "one time" thing, so I'm done with it now! LOL. Never say never huh? I've learned from it, grown from it, & no longer see it as the burden it once was on my emotions. I'm happy now & live each day as if it were my last....well, as much as I can while doing the chemo. Ya know, that stuff is pure poison!
Now you know more about me than most...share as you wish with others who ask. I do the same as a way to provide God's gift to me of inspiration!

He is fighting MRSA (the super bug) at this moment. He had it once years ago and I guess it still lies dormant in his body. This time the chemo he's taking caused it to appear again. He's very sick and weak. Yet fighting so hard to get better. His thirst for living is contagious. I refuse to think any bad thoughts and keep saying prayers that he'll get over this soon and get stronger so he can go through radiation and get it behind him. I called last night to check on him and we talked about how he was feeling. I could tell he was exhausted just from the conversation we were having but before I could say that he should rest, he said "How was your day, Baby?" His voice purred out the baby part and he sincerely wanted to know and wouldn't hang up until I gave him a brief summary. When I said goodnight and that I would talk to him tomorrow, he said, "I surely hope so, Sherrie. I want that so much."

Our future is uncertain but I won't let that stop me from taking the moments together and savoring them...running in the wind with no worries, other than the moment at hand. As controlling as I like to be about my relationships and where they are headed...this is new to me and whatever the end product is, I'm happy to have/had it!

the Sun and other celestial thingies

I have no idea what happened to the sun! It was hanging out with me this morning and I just looked out the door at work and...it's gray out! Maybe it ran away with the fork...since the moon ran away with the spoon.

My weekend wasn't bad. I had to work late Saturday. One of my clients came in with her daughter whose name is Etta. They call her "Et." I said, "Wow, I can have some fun with your name... 'Hey Et, have you et yet?"

She thought for a moment and said, "Yes... I have."

Her mom said, "Et, Miss Sherrie likes to pick on people. It usually takes me awhile before I realize she's just made a joke. So you best watch 'er."

It was fun...their visit. Et left some work for me to do for Xmas. But their late visit put me behind schedule and I didn't get to Al's house until after 6 pm. He and I had a long talk the other night, about spending quality time together. When he got in after 8:30, I was shocked that he didn't turn on the TV. We chatted about things going on...ate supper and discussed what to do the next day for my birthday. At around 10:30 pm, he turned on the TV and zoned out. I wasn't surprised... in fact I was a bit shocked he lasted 2 hours in the convo department.

Sunday was lovely day...lots of sunshine. After church, Al and I got out to experience my "Sherrie Day." He stopped at the gas station first. While he pumped up I listened to "Midnight Train to Georgia." It occurred to me that everyone should have some Pips for a day following them around. When Al returned, I said, "Al...wouldn't it be cool if everyone had their own "Pips" for a day. Everything you did they would sing about. I wouldn't mind it one bit. I can hear it now.

Me paying for gas: 'I would like twenty bucks worth of gas.'

The Pips sing: "Oh she's got gas Woo Hoo."

Or me at Walmart in the produce department. The Pips singing about my every move: 'She's fondling...the cucumbers...at Walmart.. ..Oh yea...cucumbers...at Walmart."

'Course after a couple of hours I would be ready to send them to Georgia."

Al laughed in a surprised kinda way. I think he's not sure how to relate to the humor I find in every day settings. Maybe because we spend so little time with each other...that he forgets I'm silly.

So...Al took me to lunch at Red Robin. I had another huge Killian's Red beer! And did I buzz away... we sat at a table by the wall and at one point I noticed that a huge carousel horse was on the window ledge beside us. I pointed at it and said, "Al... you're sitting under a horse's ass!" He didn't find that funny...don't know why...it had stars painted on the saddle.

So we're sitting there...waiting for our food...me fondling my big mug of beer and Al goes into his business venture(s) talk. I sighed. Even when I tried to change the subject he would return it back to his topic. I zoned out. Behind him sat a guy with a huge nose. It was the kind of nose that would intrigue any artist...like me. I couldn't stop looking at it. My eyes glazed over as I stared and I began to draw it on an imaginary canvas. Sadly my ears didn't glaze and most of Al's talk sunk in... along with my big beer.

We ended up at Barnes & Noble. Al needed to pick up a birthday present for his father and I was secretly thrilled. When Al has to shop...it takes hours for him to find something. This time it didn't take long..only 2 hours. I had time to read excerpts of some of my favorite books. We got home at around 6 and I took a short nap because the beer made me drowsy.

After I woke up, we had a big debate about dinner... in between Al's discussion of his future business ventures. We ended up calling in an order for Asian food. On the way there, I thought my head would explode because he began discussing another venture. I tried to find the moon but it was either hiding or having sex with the spoon... so I couldn't zone out like I had before and this time he kept asking my opinion and wouldn't give up until I gave it ...which wasn't the opinion he wanted to hear...

and when I said I was burned out on talking about all this business stuff, he blew up, citing that it was me who wanted more intimacy!!!! It was me who wanted him to share things with me and hold my hand. I don't cry often but I did this last night because I was so frustrated with him. He doesn't understand what true intimacy and sharing are... that business talk is not intimate...I realized just how far apart we really are...

There are times when he says things without thinking and last night was one of those times... instead of saying I'm sorry for all he said and for making me cry, he made polite small talk as we ate. I joined in and we got over that bump.

When we finally went to bed, he asked if I had a good day. I said I did...except for the bump--it was a nice day.

And I'm truly beginning to think that if there's a fork in the road, I should pick it up.

A B-day Photo

Noone told me I was having a bad hair day! I guess it's the only part of me that was rebelling against another birthday.

William is on the left, I'm in the middle and Ben is on the right. My boys! They love me... and that's good enough for me.

Cakes, Candles & a CD

When I got home last night, my mom was there cooking up steaks for dinner and had a generic grocery store cake with pink roses and sparkle thingies on it. My brother, nephews and sister were there waiting for me. The nephews were excited about the cake I think or maybe just excited because kids do that...get excited.

We had dinner and then they drew around the cake and my sister put a ton of candles on it. I was like... "Lisa, the cake's not big enough for THAT many candles."

They sang an off-key Happy Birthday, which I pretended to direct and the nephews didn't blow out my candles! It was the first spit free cake we've had in years. I could have used the help though...it took me two tries to get all the candles out...

Presents!

My brother John handed me a gym bag and said, "I didn't wrap it, SherBears."

I took the bag and said, "Wow...a bag of dope! How cool!"

He said, "I don't have THAT kind of money. And I want the bag back."

So I slowly unzipped it and looked inside...no dope but...butt...buuuutttt there was a CD...and I squealed like a teeny bopper over the Beatles...

"A BAYCITY ROLLERS CD...OMG!" I squeaked again..

and again. "THE BAYCITY ROLLERS. I LOVED THEM WHEN I WAS IN THE 9th GRADE!"

To my sister I said, "Look... a Bay City Roller CD." I waved it around and then stopped to drool over it.

She said, "Do you remember that poster you had on your closet door? It was a picture of one of the Bay City Roller guys and all he had on was a looooooong plaid scarf and nothing else. That was the FIRST DARING thing that happened at THAT house." (She was referring to our childhood house which was dominated by my stepfather during the teen years).

I laughed...and realized I had forgotten about that. So we looked over the CD until we figured out which one it was. I wonder what I did with that poster..hmmm...

anyway...Mom comes over and wants to hold the CD. I had to inspect her hands and nails to make sure they were clean. My brother pointed out that the CD was still in its protective wrapper...we all know how protective wrappers can fail!

William the oldest nephew said, "I don't know them. I know Alvin & the Chipmunks."

Brother John pipes in, "They sound just like them."

I ignored that comment and went on to open my cards from my sister and mom, both contained money...a good thing.

Now I can go buy some plaid.

This morning my brother greeted me with a Happy Birthday and wished me a good day. I said, "Well, it should be. Remember last year was the first year I went backwards...so instead of being 46, I'm 43 instead."

He said, "How's that working for you, Sherrie?"

I said, "Not that great but I'm gonna keep trying. It may take a backwards wind down to 36 before I start feeling the effects."

But it was a good day in all..

Tomorrow

I'm taking birthday present deliveries between 11 am and 9 pm tomorrow. LOL.. if it's a big present, then I'll accept the delivery until around midnight.

Man of Sapphire and Wit

Man of Sapphire and Wit

I cannot remember you as you were;
slender boy of sapphire and wit,
burning across acres of youth and time;
every step a new beginning.


I was not a part of your first rite,
passage of boy into manhood,
swollen fruit bearing seed and hope
over lush green planes of passion.


Paths flow in circles and straight lines,
forks dividing lives into separate entities,
each seeking and some finding dreams
along the beaten trails of who we are.


Now an eternity later, lives molded by fate,
fickle with love and loss; restlessness a demon.
I now know you, man of sapphire and wit,
burning across the acres of my soul.


Each moment a gift of laughter and desire,
a second of touch and sound; souls blended.
The strength to embrace life a gift to treasure,
as I treasure you, man of sapphire and wit.

So...

I've come to the sad conclusion that Al and I will never get married. He's too busy putting other things in front of our relationship and is content with what we have--a Friendship. Yet he expects me to play weekend wife without so much as a passionate kiss or any form of validation.

The other day I spent time going over this blog and realized that I glossed over much about us, because I didn't want to face the truth--things had become the same as they were the first time around with me giving 110 % and Al popping out zero, if that much.

Do I want to live like this? No...I want a passionate life and I'm not referring to sex--but to passion between two people. We do not have it. He seems to think everything is fine...well on his end it is. I cook, clean and even call every morning to wake him up. IF he's down, I am there, if he's sick, I am there...and when he's working late hours and I won't see him but for 6 waking hours of the weekend, I am still there.

In the past 6 weeks, I've met another or rather had a personal 'reunion' with an old classmate... he's had more sorrow and illness that any person I've ever met at our age. Yet, he has the most positive attitude I've ever know. And he inspires me like no one before him. I feel as if I've awakened from a long sleep and am seeing the world for the first time.

There's not enough time now to write all I want... things are changing here and I've hidden from writing about the changes.

Time to face the music and write the truth...what lives in my heart. I've found that words give me strength...and now I know that positive thinking and realizing we've only got this one second in life... drive me too.

Eyes, Tea and the happy Dance.

My Opthalmalogist visit was a good one. My angle closure is staying put so there's no surgery slated for this year. Who knows about next year? My Doctor had me look at several videos about the procedure, etc. Then she looked into my eyes with a high-tech lens and ...whammy... she promptly did a double-take. And said in an amazed voice, "Sherrie, your angles have closed only a slight degree, if at all. I really thought we would have to do surgery."

She removed the bothersome lens away and sat staring at me. I blinked, thinking..."Cool." Then she said, "You eyes amaze me. When I thought you had glaucoma, they proved me wrong. And now, they're testing me again. I'm happy that you don't have to have surgery--surprised but happy."

Hell Doc...ME too! We should have both gotten up and did the happy dance.

Now ... I have to give up my morning coffee or at least not have it every morning. The Goddess of Java Beans is not HAPPY. She will come down from her lofty bean hill and smite me. But wait..I have mocha flavored lip gloss, suddenly things are looking up.

My mornings will consist of green tea...and herbal tea, starting today with peach flavored. It's different...not what I truly want but it's better for ocular hypertension. Eyes are important...they see what they want of the world around me and on occasion look inward. SO if it must be green tea or herbal tea...so be it.

But I will say this... paying homage to the Goddess of Tea Bags...doesn't sound quite right. LOL

Call off the Search Party...

I'm here.

One of the reasons I've been away is that I don't know what to write. My life has changed in so many ways. When I try to find words to begin again...in an old place that was once a great comfort, I can't find them...they run and hide. So I say...Ok..tomorrow I'll write.

But I don't.

My eyes are open to a new way of thinking...to a new awareness of life around me... to the ability to love life as it should be loved and people too.

So if you truly love life and if you truly love those around you, please take moments to appreciate the love. All you can give the people you love is time--a little of yourself. That's a great gift... time. So often we take it for granted...live each day as just a day and think of the next.

What if there wasn't a next? What if that life was gone in the next moment?

My wish to all that read here is that you find it in your hearts to love life, to let the petty things go and embrace the world around you. To love, to live, to cry and to fight the sad times with this knowledge that we don't have all the time in the world...that we should fight to live, fight to love and fight to breathe the air.

Don't give up on yourself or those you love. Each of us has a purpose in life, a gift... God's gift of us to this world.

I pray that each of you will find this blog post a comfort or a battle cry or maybe an uplifting moment...

Don't let it get away... like a wisp of heat in the winter. Grab on to every moment that you have and live...

Dream

I tend to have crazy dreams and am blessed to remember many of them. Yesterday morning I got up at 7 am to get my nephews ready for school. My sister picked them up at 7:15 and I slipped back into bed.

My dream was a strange one. I was in a huge bedroom filled with a crowd of people sitting in rows of chairs. On opposite ends of the room were two full sized beds facing each other. One held Obama and the other held McCain. They were debating. And I had to get into bed with each one to listen to their replies to the questions. They wore white shirts with red ties and had the bed covers tucked around them, smug like a bug in a rug. Whenever I tried to take a peek at their lower extremities, a secret service guy rapped my hand with a ruler.

So it is true...Politicians make for strange bedfellows.

Hello October

Another month kicked the bucket, and now October rolls in. My birthday arrives in 22 days, as my brother politely pointed out last night at Outback. He treated me to dinner. I had the Pecan Trout covered in candied pecans and served on a bed of wild rice and a side of steamed veggies. Very good. I suggest you also order the wine suggestion. It will cleanse the palate so that each taste is as crisp and fresh as the first.

Birthdays aren't what they used to be. As a kid, I was all excited about the present and the cake. As a young adult, I was all excited about the partying and sex. As a mature adult, I am not excited at all...wait a second. There is cake.

The last few birthdays have been depressing for me, not because I'm aging--I look damn good for 45. But because I miss a ritual that was an intricate part of my birthday, my maternal grandmother's memory.

When I lived away, she always sent a card with a special message penned and some money in it. Then sometime on my birthday or even the day after, she would call and say:

"I remember the day you were born. It was sunny and warm. The sun was so bright it hurt your eyes. When I first saw you, I loved you right away. I went to work the next day and my supervisor told me I was too young to be a grandmother. I was 37 years-old."

She would pause and I would wait, knowing there was one more important thing she had to say.

"I love all my grandchildren, but you will always be special because you were born first. I love you, Sherrie."

About three years ago, I got a card from her that was addressed crazy. She had written my first name and the first 3 letters of the last. On the street address, she put the number behind the street name and there was no zip. A sign of her mind becoming lost in the grips of Alzheimers. My mom marveled at how it got to me. I silently thanked the Postal Goddess for delivering it. It wasn't signed but the card was designed for a Granddaughter. At least I had the sentiments of that to comfort me.

After the party (since my nephews have arrived we have a party for everyone's birthday), I felt listless, as if something was missing. I didn't say anything. But I think Mom instinctively knew. She quietly called Grandmother and must have told her it was my birthday. When she handed me the phone, I didn't know who was on the line. Granny said, "Hey. Happy Birthday. No one told me. I don't have a present." But she did, even if she didn't realize it.

We talked and I made her laugh. Part of me prayed I would hear her birthday speech but it never came. We hung up and I cried that night, not because I aged a year but because my Grandmother would never be the same again.

That was the last card I recieved. Now when I talk to her I don't stress over what's not said, just embrace what is said. Part of growing older is dealing with changes, I don't look for a message or even a card now. But there is a part of me that yearns for a memory that made me feel extra special, even if only for a day.

Your Autumn Test Results

You are a dynamic, vibrant person. You aren't afraid to pursue your passions. When you're happiest, you are outgoing and expressive . You love celebrations, and you enjoy showing off a little. You tend to be afraid of change. You are never ready for things to be different. You find novelty to be the most comforting thing in the world. You love anything that's new or unusual. Your ideal day is active and full. You like to keep busy with your favorite things, and you appreciate a routine. You tend to live in the moment. You enjoy whatever is going on, and you don't obsess over the past or future.

The Autumn Test

I'm alive...really I am.

My attention is elsewhere. Sorry but it is...

Things with Al are changing. My whole outlook on life has changed. And once I am able to find the words. I will pen it down here.

Awakening

I've been who I am for so long that I forgot who I once was, many many years ago. Been contemplating this tonight... our feet..where they take us, the roads we travel--some never to be forgotten, others never noticed.

One would think that I wouldn't be where I am today, if I had followed the blatant path before me so very long ago. But a side road took me away and through many twisting turns and hills and valleys, I blossomed. I grew strong under sunlight, yielding under rain and deep rooted to withstand violent wind.

Paths, forks, side roads...each taking us to different worlds, places, people... during my travels, I barely look at the destination. Although I am conscious of the direction. And often times choose a scenic view. And when I look back, I forget how difficult the road might have been in becoming who I am today.

I'm just glad I'm me.

What's Sexy About Your Name

You are sexy because you are reserved. You keep most of your passion hidden. In truth, you are a very sensual and sexual person. But you mostly keep this to yourself. You are secretly very interested in sex and very open minded. You definitely have a wild side most people don't know about. You are comfortable with every aspect of your sexuality... but you don't flaunt it. When you're finally alone with someone you trust, it's like flipping a switch. You're sexually savvy, exciting, adventurous, and carefree. No one would ever guess it!

What's Sexy About Your Name?

Ben's Birthday ..a Pictorial

Shame on me...

I seem to be absorbed in a torrid state of bliss, desire and need. Once I get my thoughts together I'll be back.

Gas Riot

Friday we had a massive 'gas shortage panic'. It was worse than the Katrina scare a few years ago. Kangeroo Gas Stores put a note on all their pumps asking people to purchase only $10 of gas due to the possible gas shortage in souteastern NC due to the damage Hurricane Ike may cause to the oil industry.

I wasn't going to get any because I had right much gas in my truck but when Dad told me it was crazy and people were in every station filling up, I figured I had better get my share. I had to go to 3 different stations until I found one that didn't have a long line waiting. This store had a 'drive-thru pay' window on the side. As I got gas, I noticed that a line was forming around the store. One would think that to save gas, since there might be a storage later, that one would get their sorry butt out of their vehicle and walk a few feet to front door and pay inside. I did, sorry butt and all..lol. And then had to wait for the drive-thru line to dispense so I could leave the pump.

Noticed I noticed as I drove to Fayetteville on Saturday that people are out every where, stores, fast food places, etc. Now shouldn't they be saving that expensive gas??!!

Hung out with my friend Michele for a while Sunday and she needed gas. She drives over to the Kangeroo and I said, "They're out of gas. They're the ones who started the gas panic." Sure enough..every tank had bags over the nozzle. I saw their 'discreet' note and it still taped on each tank. I wish I had snatched one off. Then she drives over to another Kangeroo store. I laughed and said, "What are you doing? This one won't have any gas either." And I was right. She ended up at Hess station and I noted that none of the tanks had any low grade gas.

TGIF #18267

Like most Fridays, I don't know why I'm glad it's here because I'm working tomorrow! But not a whole day...so I guess that's one reason why it's good to be Friday.

Hectic weeek in many ways. I spent 4 days on some photo fixes for Dad. They always take forever because the files are so large they crash my photo programs. Then this morning I had to do some printing and now I'm restoring stuff.

The reunion has kept me very busy. A lot of classmates are either emailing or calling and I spend a lot of my free time, filling everyone in on everyone else. It's been fun to re-connect. Then in ways it hasn't because there are always the sour apples--sour about anything and everything.

Then there's one classmate who I always had a great friendship with...Thomas.. we've spent a lot of time emailing and IM'ing this week. He's been through a lot in his short life:
....diabetes, dialysis, kidney transplant, amputation of toes on right foot, amputation (below the knee) of left leg, lymphoma cancer survivor, and most recently (in Feb.) diagnosed with Stage 3 colo-rectal cancer. He is currently doing chemo with radiation to follow in about 2 1/2 months and will do the radiation DAILY for 5 weeks. He is the most positive man I'm ever known. Laughing and smiling through all our emails and IM's.

I chat with him and get so many funny and bright emails and when I talk to Al at night, it's like going into the darkness. He's always talking about things that go wrong and disappointments over some sideline tasks he's working on. We don't laugh, even if I try to make things light and fun.

Today is the first time since Jan 14, 2006 that I didn't wake up and think of Al or call him, just to make sure he's up! I even forgot my cell phone, which I use to call and say hi during the day. And I didn't think of doing that! When did I think of it? About an hour ago!

Talking with Tommy had made me realize that life is too short to wait it out... to spend days and weeks and years on a person who is too self-absorbed to notice time fly.

That fork in the road is bearing down on me and Al...and I wonder if he really cares.

Your Taste in Music:

Classic Rock: Highest Influence Adult Alternative: Medium Influence Alternative Rock: Medium Influence Eighties: Medium Influence Nineties: Medium Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Kids and the things they say...

Kids and the things they say...
Category: Life


My nephews are never boring. This week (and it's only half finished) I've learned a few things from them, mainly my little bird--Ben.

1) The meaning of Gay as told by Ben 6 soon to be 7 in a few days:
When a boy touches another boy's butt or bladder, he's gay. When a girl touches another girl's bladder she's gay. When a boy touches a girl's bladder, they aren't gay.

2) Ben's BoogerMan (Boogey Man) Theory:
He's got claws and hoofs and lives in the ground where it's hot. You have to dig through China to get to him. When you see him, you'll know he's the BoogerMan because he'll be covered with boogers and slime.

3) Ben explains how to defend myself from the Burger King Burger King guy:
Sherrie, when the Burger King Man peeps in your window or tries to get you to eat lettuce or sumpthin.... you... KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. He'll fall down on the ground like this (falls down) and groan like this (Groans like a ghost) and holds onto his bladder.

What Your Purple Umbrella Says About You

When faced with adversity, you remain together and graceful. You are very balanced, and it's hard for you to let yourself get too down. You are brainy and philosophical. It's hard for you to lose your broad perspective on life. You accept things as they are. You don't try to change anything that can't be changed. On a rainy day: you should spend the day reading

The Umbrella Test

A Conversation....

about VP elect Palin...

(Tongue-in-cheek on my part)

A friend called to check on me after Hanna went through. We chatted about different things and then he mentioned Palin.

"She's very secretary-ish, don't you think?" he asked.

"Yes and there in lies the deception....she's probably a very stunning woman with her hair down and glasses off."

He asked in a astounded voice, "You think she dresses and looks like that on purpose?"

"Sure. And under that prudish skirt and blouse, she's wearing leather."

He laughed amused. "Oh really?"

"Yep and during the upcoming debates with Biden, she'll show her true colors by stripping off that skirt and blouse and with whip in hand show him how a brassy Republican can take command. Just imagine him squirming under her latex encased leg with a 6" stiletto heel grinding him in the back, while she whips his Democrat ass into shape."

Now he's openly laughing. "Oh will she whip the economy into shape too?"

"Oh yes... it's what our country needs...a little S&M!"

Panthers, Pepsi and Pep Talks

Well, my Pirates kicked ass and then...my Panthers stole the game with a last second touchdown. Before the game Al read the sports page in the paper and no one gave hope that the Panthers would win...it was the Chargers all the way. But guess who won, although we almost gave it away...The Panthers! Al gave up on the after it took so long for them to reform their line. It was down to mere seconds and Al was going to turn the tv off...but I said, "No...they'll win at the last second. Delhomme has something to prove in this first game." And they scored...final second. Al turned to me in shock and accused me with "You know more about football than you let on!"

Maybe I do.

This morning I grabbed a Pepsi from his fridge and ran out the door. I was a few minutes later getting out than I like. Even if I got here on time, I still like to allow for slow traffic down I-95 or road crews. So as I drove, I sipped the Pepsi. It tasted strange but I thought it was my mouth, because I had just brushed my teeth with some of Al's Colgate toothpaste (I use Arm & Hammer Complete Care)...but it wasn't until just now when I was tossing the can in the recycle box that I saw "Pepsi. NFL Kickoff. Limited Edition Flavor. LEMON." No wonder it tasted different. I will say it's ok but nothing to write Pepsi about.

In my search for old classmates, I've reconnected with a few lost friends. Only to hear of sickness and a few deaths. I realize how lucky I am and I shouldn't complain about anything in my life compared to what a few have gone through and are going through. So I gave myself a pep talk on the way to work and vow to make the most of every day and every friendship...

Obviously

since I just posted a quiz, I'm ok and Hanna didn't sweep me away!

We had a lot of rain and wind in some areas. I got 3 inches of rain but my mom's bf got 5 almost 6! We had some tree limbs down but nothing major. I spent an hour outside Saturday after lunch and cleaned up the yard.

My cold is slowly getting better. I slept thru the tropical storm and sort of hate I did. I love hearing rain fall on my tin awing over one of my bedroom windows.

But the storm went through with no major damage other than a few power outages. I wasn't going to come up to see Al since I felt bad but he sorta begged and said he would pamper me. I took a nap before driving up and got here around 6:30. My friend Bonnie called and we talked a long time. Al got off early...at 8. I was sorta shocked. He took me out to dinner at a new restaurant around the corner. We had some prime rib and man...it was mouth-watering. Then he drove me home and we watched the college football highlights...all I can say is..

GO ECU PIRATES!!!!

They are kicking ass and taking names.

Don't know what's in store for today. Al's at church...yeah, I guess I'm a heathen. I just made some coffee and am catching up on my email and stuff like...blogging.

Heard from two of my favorite male classmates today regarding the reunion. One sent photos and the other sent his home phone number and asked me to call so we could catch up. I will probably try to do that sometime today if Al doesn't have me off to the golf course with him. He's off today and wants to get out and do something fun. All his buddies keep letting him down about golfing and though I know nothing about it, except how to drive the cart I will go along. Why? because I love the man and he deserves to have some fun once in a while.

Enjoy the day...it's a lovely one.

You Are in the Genital Stage of Development

According to Dr. Freud, you've reached the genital stage of development. Whatever issues you may have had in your childhood have been resolved. You don't have any hang ups, and you are able to function as a stable adult. You are the model of being well-adjusted, and you are able to balance your life beautifully.

What Freudian Stage Are You In?

Hanna ..not Hannah Montana

We're geared up for Hanna to hit us. Looking at the projected path, it doesn't matter if it hits NC or SC, I'll be getting some of it.

It's been since 2004 since we've had a Hurricane... or even a tropical storm. And none were damaging to my area. Course the coast is a different story. Sunset Beach is practically eroded away. And this storm has 25 feet waves accompanying it.

According to the gas station lady (I stopped to fill up the truck before coming into work), not many are rushing to fill up their tanks. I figured a mad rush will happen after 4 pm today. Many of the schools and a lot of businesses are closing up early. Which reminds me...I need to drop by the bank in a while.

I helped some of the elderly neighbors secure items around their houses yesterday and this morning. And will go around and make sure they've got plenty of water and stuff to eat. Most do but not always the stuff that you need during or after storms...like canned items, water and snacks that you don't have to heat up if the electricity is down.

I'm stocked with batteries and have plenty of reading material and candles. So...if the worse happens I'm ready and if the storm blows itself out before it hits me... all the better.

So enjoy your weekend and be safe.

Head Colds, Cole Slaw, Road Blocks and the American Way

I'm fighting a head cold I think. It could be my sinues but my ears ring a lot. And the sinus meds that usually work--aren't. So I'm assuming it's a cold and dealing with it as best as I can. I fell asleep sitting at the computer yesterday. My head hit the monitor and woke me. Luckily I did't damage it...though my forehead is sore this day.

My weekend was ok. I had a quiet one. No big thrills, except the frog in the toilet. Oh and Al romanced me--that's always a thrill. Cooked several awesome meals. Al won't confess to this but I'm fast becoming a better cook than he is. The cat and I hung out. She follows me around the house and I talk to her a lot. She'll listen but I'm learning what types of conversation she likes...when the topic is something she's uninterested in, she'll turn her back to me and grooms herself.

I tried out a few luau recipes. The Hawaiian Coleslaw rocked. It went into my personal cookbook...but the Haupia...sucked. I think I need to find a more authenic recipe or change the one I have. I threw it out.

Over the weekend a bunch of my old classmates called and emailed me. It was fun talking to them. They are all excited over the reunion. I'm happy that's happening. Many who never went to a previous reunion are very interested in attending this one. So many are trying to help find classmates and offerring to do what they can. I'm so pleased with the response so far. It wasn't until I talked to one of my old friends (a girl named Donna who works with the local sheriff's department) who had been in charge of two reunions that it occurred to me that not one person from the current committee has contacted me. I know they have a pretty detailed list of classmates but aren't sharing it. One of the guys on the committee told a girl who called over the weekend that he had some names and told her who they were. She asked him to call me but he made a face. And this guy and I were always good friends during school. I just don't get it. Donna told me that one of the committtee members told her that she didn't like half of our graduating class and was planning a reunion for the ones she liked. Now that's a crock of crap. Donna said that she doesn't have a high regard for this person anymore.

Neither do I but the person will receive an invite anyways.

Ran into a road block over the building we want to use. I talked to the guy in charge this morning. He said it was used as a beach house during the day to swimmers at the lake and was hard to dry out during the summer. He suggested we move the reunion date to sometime after labor day. Then he told me the price for night time rental and added a bunch of surcharges. He told me he hoped the ice machine would be working then. And that there would be air conditioning...they had it up until the spring ..someone stole all the copper. There's no stove ...only a sink and refridge plus there's only 35 people allowed in the building... the outside deck is larger than the inside and there's no limit there.

Oh and we have to have an attendent there... to watch over the place...we have to pay this person too. The price went from $45 to $215. I'll talk to Bonnie tonight. I don't want to be in a building that doesn't have a stove or enough room for everyone if it rains on our parade. She'll be disappointed but that's life.

Al's joining a network. It seems that Donald Trump dumped a large amount of change into it and if DT invests in something, then it's golden...or so Al says. He's trying to figure out how to network it and innocently without thinking I suggested he join Myspace and Facebook. Those places are all about networking. It dawned on me later that I might not want him to know about my myspace page. I'm not an open book there like I am here but I've got personal stuff on it and my friend's list has some old beaus on it...I guess I can go through my blog there and mark certain stuff as diary posts. Not long ago one of my friends there..a guy I semi-dated asked for my advice about the current girl he was seeing. She was jealous of his blog posts about his ex-girlfriend who had just died of cancer. He was so in love with her and it showed in his writing. The current gal wanted to know why he didn't write like that for her. In the end he deleted the posts which were so beautiful... he said to me that he wasn't going to write about being in love or other personal details about his girlfriends on the off-chance that his future soul mate would read them and he didn't want to cause any pain. I guess that's why I'm cautious about Al finding my stuff online. I've written a lot about him and other lovers. I would never want to hurt him.

We had a birthday party for my brother yesterday. I'll have to post some pictures of it. The nephews had fun. I had fun and so did everyone else.

I confess I'm worried about Hanna... we've had a lot of rain and the ground's very moist--prime for falling trees that might not fall if the ground was dry. So let's pray the storm blows itself out before reaching me.

There's a ....FROG IN THE TOILET???????

It's around midnight last night. I'm in my nightie, face freshly scrubbed and walking down the hall to the bathroom to brush my teeth when Al get's there first with newspaper in hand. I said, "Hand me my toothbrush and I'll go to the half-bath and brush my chompers." He put some toothpaste on it for me. Then closed the door. I went to the half-bath and stood in front of the mirror, watching the foam form and humming. I heard a slight sound behind me, a small 'splish' and turned to look at the toilet. There appeared to be some 'poo' floating in there. I thought it was 'backwash' from a recent flush. Al had been in that bath for a long time that morning. So I reached to flush and the 'poo' moved... I looked closely and it was a FROG...a common brown one.


Al likes to pick on me about moving slow ( I think it's a sin to rush when you don't have too) and if he could have seen me run out of that bathroom and down the hall, he would have fallen to the ground with shock. I ran so fast that I left my shadow behind me. If I had of been wearing socks, I would have slid right past the bathroom door. I said with a mouth full of toothpaste foam, "Alb therb's a froblp in duh toielay."

"What?" I could tell he couldn't understand me...so I ran to the kitchen to relieve my mouth of the foam and ran back to the door of the bathroom. I could hear the toliet flush and then the door opened. I said in a very excited voice. "Al, there's a frog in the toilet in the half-bath. I thought it was poo but it moved."

He thought I was joking but then looked closely at me and realized I was serious. He marched to the toliet with me trailing behind him. I said, "Are you going to touch it? Don't let it pee in your hand or you'll get warts." (This is wives tale in NC. I've been told it's not true but I have never sought to find out first hand.)

Al stared at the frog for a while. "Damn, how did he get in there. Are you sure you didn't put him in there as a joke?" He turned to look at me but I had ran out of the room because the frog tried to jump out of the toliet.

I hid in the bedroom behind the door. Then I heard Al go into the kitchen to get some paper towels. I followed him back to the toilet and said, "Where are you going to put him?" (I didn't give him a chance to answer) "Why don't you put him in the neighbors' yard next door. I bet they wouldn't mind if he lived in their toilet."

When Al picked up the frog, I ran again. He tried to scare me with it but I hid in the closet. When he came back inside and was washing his hands with lots of soap, I said, "You know how you say I move real slow. Well, I want you to know that when I saw that frog in the toilet I ran so fast that I left my shadow behind. It took 5 minutes before she caught up with me."

He laughed and we talked about the frog for a while. Then I turned in and waited ...eagerly wishing he would hurry up to bed so I could ask the question that was burning a hole in my brain.

I waited until he was reaching for the light to ask it. "Al, I was wondering...if I had peed on the frog would I have given it warts?"

Your Issue Profile: 48% Obama, 52% McCain

Truth be told, you're not really satisfied with either of the candidates. You could vote for either of them. You are the typical coveted swing voter. You may want to narrow yourself down to a particular set of issues in order to pick your president. Or start looking at third party candidates. One of them might suit you better.

Should You Vote for Obama or McCain?

You Are Spaghetti with Pesto

Compared to most people, you have complex tastes. You're a bit of a walking contradiction. You like a little bit of everything, even if the things you like don't go together. You aren't picky at all. You can find something to like about almost anything. You don't judge on appearances alone. You like to experience something before you judge it.

What Pasta Dish Are You?

For Better or For Worse

For Better or For Worse, My 3rd favorite comic strip ended today--the storyline that is. The comic owner Lynn Johnson has health issues and is ready to semi-retire. She's told her story and is starting something totally new come Sept 1.... retelling the whole comic again with fresh drawings and new ideas. It will be 50/50 between old and new stuff. The characters I so love will never change or die... which is sad is many ways.

I realize that when you invest 29 years into a story that it becomes a part of you. Think of all the blood, sweat, tears and ink, she's put into this strip. I've followed it for many years...not always faithfully but for the last 8 years or so, I've given it my total all.

Ms. Johnson could have let other artists take over the comic or she could have retired it completely like Calvin & Hobbes (my all-time favorite comic, first to the Far Side.) but she's taking a different road. Some of the newspapers are dropping the comic after Sunday's issue (which is where the characters say goodbye). They believe that the stories been told, why continue it even if it's re-inked and embellished. I can see their point.

This comic strip moved me often. I watched the Patterson kids grow up. Michael always made me laugh, Liz sometimes aggravated me but I always related to her hard knocks in love and April...she was so full of mischief that you couldn't help but love her. There were many other characters that I liked that were friends and family. Ms. Johnson was never afraid of a story line, like the Lawrence coming out of the closet and how the Patterson's stood by him. Many papers chose not to run the strip while that storyline played out. And Farley, their first sheepdog who saved April from drowning and died afterwards. I think I cried for hours over that...and whenever a family member visited his 'tree.'

The last month of strips have been centered on Elizabeth marrying her high school sweetheart, Anthony. I am sort of disappointed. Each day has been full of sap and little wit. Their Grandpa (Ellie's dad Jim) has had bad health for the last few years. And he seemed to linger on the verge of death so much this summer that I wanted to say.. "Go ahead and die!" ...it's been horrible to watch, almost like a sufferring animal. So naturally he has a heart attack on the wedding day and after the vows, Liz and Anthony rush to the hospital so that he can see her in her grandmother's dress. There, Liz talks to Iris-Jim's second wife.



I will probably continue to read the strip but not with the anticipation I used to have. There were nights when I would stay up after midnight so I could go to the FBoFW website to read what happened next, especially when Liz found out that Paul was cheating on her...or when she was attacked by a co-worker and Anthony came to save her...

those days are over but I will stay faithful... and enjoy looking back through the years with an old friend.