I thought....

...that I had something profound to say but I don't! It was there and then...puff...gone!

I was told last night by a very old friend that I was like an bottomless Pitcher... when it came to caring about people...and that I should make sure that whoever I decide to care about should be an endless mug, because when I pour out 'sherrie' it is everlasting, flows for an eternity & thus endless and there would be a deep sorrow if I overflowed from a standard mug, spilling even one drop!

Hmm...maybe I did have something profound to say after all.

A Brighter day

Even if it is misty and gray out!

I heard from Tz today! He's still at UNC hospitals but is doing a little better. The staph infection (MRSA) has been straining his heart. He's got a lot of fluid built up and they are doing their best to battle it. He was very chipper and sounded strong. When I called his doctor was there and he asked me to hold on...I noticed he put the phone receiver where I could hear their conversation...

that was his gift to me for today... I listened and was thankful I could understand all that was said...

He told me that on Monday, his sprained wrist had a lot of fluid on it, so they numbed it and drained it...while he was alert! He said, "And I didn't scream like a girl! Not once. It hurt like hell, but I didn't go girly on them." I laughed but I think that's what he wanted... to hear me laugh.

He told me to call whenever I could...that he was a lot better but still not well enough to go home..but he planned on doing all the doctor said to do, so he could get back home.

I can breathe easy now... or rather easier. I've been writing our story and it's hard to get him off my mind. But according to him...it's 'ditto.'

Prayers work.

Oct 08's last Thursday

This month has flown by. It's very cold here. I feel as if winter jumped in before autumn could arrive. My sister and I are alledgedly having a yard sale Saturday but I bet she opts out. I will be a bit pissed because I have a truck load of yard sale stuff I got from Al's, all ready to go.

I talked to Tz yesterday afternoon and he sounded much better. He should have been a voice-over artist, because he can rip into some of the funniest characters and go off on long dialogues. I laugh so hard at him... the last time we were together he had his wanker talking to me in a very funny voice. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, which made him laugh until he couldn't breathe. He said, "I like to make you laugh. I'm happy when you're laughing like this." When he made me laugh yesterday, I knew he was recovering. He's going to the beach with the girl he 'dates' this weekend to see his mom and step-father. I'll miss him.

He called last night at midnight. I was still up and he said, "Is it too late to call?" I said no. Then he said, "I'm not calling because I have to. I'm calling because I want to. I just woke up and thought, 'I want to say good night to Sherrie.'"

We talked for about 3 mins and I made him go back to sleep. This morning was the first time in almost a week where I had a Good Morning email from him. Little things like that make me happy.

I will probably stay home this weekend. Al has to work both days and I really don't feel like sitting at his house. Unless M calls... if she wants to get together, I'll probably go. If not...I'll start working on my novel and do some of my online class stuff. Maybe get my winter clothes down from the attic, since it will be a cold winter. At least that's my forecast...

Last night was the first time I've pulled out my Tarot cards in months. I did some readings and was surprised at how on target they were...

There are a lot of things I want to write about... Al and I declining...Tz and I uplifting...work and home life... insights into my soul...you know, things like that...

so if I am disjointed in my posts, it's because there is so much I want to release at one time...that it will be impossible to be coherent, because there's so much love and life living inside me.

Cakes, Candles & a CD

When I got home last night, my mom was there cooking up steaks for dinner and had a generic grocery store cake with pink roses and sparkle thingies on it. My brother, nephews and sister were there waiting for me. The nephews were excited about the cake I think or maybe just excited because kids do that...get excited.

We had dinner and then they drew around the cake and my sister put a ton of candles on it. I was like... "Lisa, the cake's not big enough for THAT many candles."

They sang an off-key Happy Birthday, which I pretended to direct and the nephews didn't blow out my candles! It was the first spit free cake we've had in years. I could have used the help though...it took me two tries to get all the candles out...

Presents!

My brother John handed me a gym bag and said, "I didn't wrap it, SherBears."

I took the bag and said, "Wow...a bag of dope! How cool!"

He said, "I don't have THAT kind of money. And I want the bag back."

So I slowly unzipped it and looked inside...no dope but...butt...buuuutttt there was a CD...and I squealed like a teeny bopper over the Beatles...

"A BAYCITY ROLLERS CD...OMG!" I squeaked again..

and again. "THE BAYCITY ROLLERS. I LOVED THEM WHEN I WAS IN THE 9th GRADE!"

To my sister I said, "Look... a Bay City Roller CD." I waved it around and then stopped to drool over it.

She said, "Do you remember that poster you had on your closet door? It was a picture of one of the Bay City Roller guys and all he had on was a looooooong plaid scarf and nothing else. That was the FIRST DARING thing that happened at THAT house." (She was referring to our childhood house which was dominated by my stepfather during the teen years).

I laughed...and realized I had forgotten about that. So we looked over the CD until we figured out which one it was. I wonder what I did with that poster..hmmm...

anyway...Mom comes over and wants to hold the CD. I had to inspect her hands and nails to make sure they were clean. My brother pointed out that the CD was still in its protective wrapper...we all know how protective wrappers can fail!

William the oldest nephew said, "I don't know them. I know Alvin & the Chipmunks."

Brother John pipes in, "They sound just like them."

I ignored that comment and went on to open my cards from my sister and mom, both contained money...a good thing.

Now I can go buy some plaid.

This morning my brother greeted me with a Happy Birthday and wished me a good day. I said, "Well, it should be. Remember last year was the first year I went backwards...so instead of being 46, I'm 43 instead."

He said, "How's that working for you, Sherrie?"

I said, "Not that great but I'm gonna keep trying. It may take a backwards wind down to 36 before I start feeling the effects."

But it was a good day in all..

Eyes, Tea and the happy Dance.

My Opthalmalogist visit was a good one. My angle closure is staying put so there's no surgery slated for this year. Who knows about next year? My Doctor had me look at several videos about the procedure, etc. Then she looked into my eyes with a high-tech lens and ...whammy... she promptly did a double-take. And said in an amazed voice, "Sherrie, your angles have closed only a slight degree, if at all. I really thought we would have to do surgery."

She removed the bothersome lens away and sat staring at me. I blinked, thinking..."Cool." Then she said, "You eyes amaze me. When I thought you had glaucoma, they proved me wrong. And now, they're testing me again. I'm happy that you don't have to have surgery--surprised but happy."

Hell Doc...ME too! We should have both gotten up and did the happy dance.

Now ... I have to give up my morning coffee or at least not have it every morning. The Goddess of Java Beans is not HAPPY. She will come down from her lofty bean hill and smite me. But wait..I have mocha flavored lip gloss, suddenly things are looking up.

My mornings will consist of green tea...and herbal tea, starting today with peach flavored. It's different...not what I truly want but it's better for ocular hypertension. Eyes are important...they see what they want of the world around me and on occasion look inward. SO if it must be green tea or herbal tea...so be it.

But I will say this... paying homage to the Goddess of Tea Bags...doesn't sound quite right. LOL

TGIF #18267

Like most Fridays, I don't know why I'm glad it's here because I'm working tomorrow! But not a whole day...so I guess that's one reason why it's good to be Friday.

Hectic weeek in many ways. I spent 4 days on some photo fixes for Dad. They always take forever because the files are so large they crash my photo programs. Then this morning I had to do some printing and now I'm restoring stuff.

The reunion has kept me very busy. A lot of classmates are either emailing or calling and I spend a lot of my free time, filling everyone in on everyone else. It's been fun to re-connect. Then in ways it hasn't because there are always the sour apples--sour about anything and everything.

Then there's one classmate who I always had a great friendship with...Thomas.. we've spent a lot of time emailing and IM'ing this week. He's been through a lot in his short life:
....diabetes, dialysis, kidney transplant, amputation of toes on right foot, amputation (below the knee) of left leg, lymphoma cancer survivor, and most recently (in Feb.) diagnosed with Stage 3 colo-rectal cancer. He is currently doing chemo with radiation to follow in about 2 1/2 months and will do the radiation DAILY for 5 weeks. He is the most positive man I'm ever known. Laughing and smiling through all our emails and IM's.

I chat with him and get so many funny and bright emails and when I talk to Al at night, it's like going into the darkness. He's always talking about things that go wrong and disappointments over some sideline tasks he's working on. We don't laugh, even if I try to make things light and fun.

Today is the first time since Jan 14, 2006 that I didn't wake up and think of Al or call him, just to make sure he's up! I even forgot my cell phone, which I use to call and say hi during the day. And I didn't think of doing that! When did I think of it? About an hour ago!

Talking with Tommy had made me realize that life is too short to wait it out... to spend days and weeks and years on a person who is too self-absorbed to notice time fly.

That fork in the road is bearing down on me and Al...and I wonder if he really cares.

Head Colds, Cole Slaw, Road Blocks and the American Way

I'm fighting a head cold I think. It could be my sinues but my ears ring a lot. And the sinus meds that usually work--aren't. So I'm assuming it's a cold and dealing with it as best as I can. I fell asleep sitting at the computer yesterday. My head hit the monitor and woke me. Luckily I did't damage it...though my forehead is sore this day.

My weekend was ok. I had a quiet one. No big thrills, except the frog in the toilet. Oh and Al romanced me--that's always a thrill. Cooked several awesome meals. Al won't confess to this but I'm fast becoming a better cook than he is. The cat and I hung out. She follows me around the house and I talk to her a lot. She'll listen but I'm learning what types of conversation she likes...when the topic is something she's uninterested in, she'll turn her back to me and grooms herself.

I tried out a few luau recipes. The Hawaiian Coleslaw rocked. It went into my personal cookbook...but the Haupia...sucked. I think I need to find a more authenic recipe or change the one I have. I threw it out.

Over the weekend a bunch of my old classmates called and emailed me. It was fun talking to them. They are all excited over the reunion. I'm happy that's happening. Many who never went to a previous reunion are very interested in attending this one. So many are trying to help find classmates and offerring to do what they can. I'm so pleased with the response so far. It wasn't until I talked to one of my old friends (a girl named Donna who works with the local sheriff's department) who had been in charge of two reunions that it occurred to me that not one person from the current committee has contacted me. I know they have a pretty detailed list of classmates but aren't sharing it. One of the guys on the committee told a girl who called over the weekend that he had some names and told her who they were. She asked him to call me but he made a face. And this guy and I were always good friends during school. I just don't get it. Donna told me that one of the committtee members told her that she didn't like half of our graduating class and was planning a reunion for the ones she liked. Now that's a crock of crap. Donna said that she doesn't have a high regard for this person anymore.

Neither do I but the person will receive an invite anyways.

Ran into a road block over the building we want to use. I talked to the guy in charge this morning. He said it was used as a beach house during the day to swimmers at the lake and was hard to dry out during the summer. He suggested we move the reunion date to sometime after labor day. Then he told me the price for night time rental and added a bunch of surcharges. He told me he hoped the ice machine would be working then. And that there would be air conditioning...they had it up until the spring ..someone stole all the copper. There's no stove ...only a sink and refridge plus there's only 35 people allowed in the building... the outside deck is larger than the inside and there's no limit there.

Oh and we have to have an attendent there... to watch over the place...we have to pay this person too. The price went from $45 to $215. I'll talk to Bonnie tonight. I don't want to be in a building that doesn't have a stove or enough room for everyone if it rains on our parade. She'll be disappointed but that's life.

Al's joining a network. It seems that Donald Trump dumped a large amount of change into it and if DT invests in something, then it's golden...or so Al says. He's trying to figure out how to network it and innocently without thinking I suggested he join Myspace and Facebook. Those places are all about networking. It dawned on me later that I might not want him to know about my myspace page. I'm not an open book there like I am here but I've got personal stuff on it and my friend's list has some old beaus on it...I guess I can go through my blog there and mark certain stuff as diary posts. Not long ago one of my friends there..a guy I semi-dated asked for my advice about the current girl he was seeing. She was jealous of his blog posts about his ex-girlfriend who had just died of cancer. He was so in love with her and it showed in his writing. The current gal wanted to know why he didn't write like that for her. In the end he deleted the posts which were so beautiful... he said to me that he wasn't going to write about being in love or other personal details about his girlfriends on the off-chance that his future soul mate would read them and he didn't want to cause any pain. I guess that's why I'm cautious about Al finding my stuff online. I've written a lot about him and other lovers. I would never want to hurt him.

We had a birthday party for my brother yesterday. I'll have to post some pictures of it. The nephews had fun. I had fun and so did everyone else.

I confess I'm worried about Hanna... we've had a lot of rain and the ground's very moist--prime for falling trees that might not fall if the ground was dry. So let's pray the storm blows itself out before reaching me.

TGIF

Oh yeah baby....just one more day of work and I'm off 2 days. (Yep I have to work tomorrow--dad's got a wedding to photograph).

One of my old customers dropped by today. I did some restorations for him in 1990. He had one of them with him. It still looks good. I remembered fixing it and adding color but to look at it, you wouldn't think that I had done it. The photo looked so natural. And I did it by hand back then. His uncle is in the hospital and he took some old photos to show him ( I guess he was trying to perk him up a bit. The uncle is 89 and sickly). But the customer dropped by to see me on the spur-of-the-moment. He told me I hadn't aged one bit in 18 years. I smiled and said that he had caught me on a good hair day. Then I said thanks. I feel older even if I don't look it.

But he made my day. I was happy to catch up on news and we discussed the new technology of photography.

Last night, I saw Brian--an old classmate and one of my few boyfriends in middle school and Jr. High. He has some names and addresses for me and told me to go by his bakery to get them sometime next week. I told him I would call first and make sure he wasn't busy so that we could sit down and talk. He also caters...so I thought I might see what he suggests--show him my menu.

Also finally caught up with Bon. I caught her up on what's been going on. Told her some decisions I had made (she didn't comment on them because they weren't dealing with the decorations) and went on from there. Since she hadn't procured the building, I plan to do that next week.

Granny's coming in tomorrow. Mom's going to get her. I'll come by the house after work and visit for a few hours before going to Al's later that night. I think on Sunday, a lot of visitors will be popping by. Granny doesn't deal well with a full house, plus her memory is worse than ever. Mom encouraged me to go on to Al's Sat night. I think my Uncle is driving Granny back home Monday early morning. I know Granny won't remember the time we spend together but I will. And plan to keep it in my heart.

Don't know if I'll pop in here this weekend to write. Depends on how my weekend goes...so I'll say this. Have a safe Holiday.

Relaxing on a Sunday

I confess that it's nice that Al has Internet access finally. I haven't been on his PC much and even now it feels foreign...the keyboard, the chair...the mouse. But I'll manage.

Saw a gaggle of geese along a street going to the IGA yesterday. Al told me there's a creek close by and that the geese venture out when the grass is high along the streets. They live to eat grasshoppers that live there. Some were in the road and I had to stop for them to waddle back to the sidewalk and to the grass that grew there. I wondered if they wanted a ride somewhere...maybe tired of flying. I wish I had my camera to capture the moment. But no worries...my mind did just fine.

Spent a lot of yesterday and night with a horrible headache that was a mix of sinus and eye strain. I barely made it to Al's and when I got here I laid on the couch for a long time until one of the neighbors came to borrow a ladder. Somehow I made supper for Al and when he got home, I was putting on my modest nightgown. Told him my head ached and he kissed my forehead and told me to sleep.

I dozed but never fell into a deep sleep--not until he came to bed. He wrapped his arms around me and we slept without moving for hours. My dreams were pleasant and when I woke at 5 am... I was tired but not sleeping--in a limbo of sorts. In his sleep, Al said me name and he pulled me closer than before. I felt so safe in his arms, so loved and fell back to sleep.

This morning he informed me that he had to re-wash all the dishes...that it looked like I just put them in the drain. I don't remember washing them at all... I might have done just that.

When he got home from church, he came in with a box wrapped prettily with a nice bow on it. He said, "This is for you." I knew it wasn't an engagement ring. The box was too large. I said, "What have I done to deserve a present?" (I knew it wasn't my dish washing skills). He said, "For being you. For making my life better." I was touched and opened the box. It was a very dainty gold chain that sparkled when the light from the window hit it. I took off my old one and added the pendent (a stacked star with a diamond chip-sun-moon) I had on it to the new one...and it looks much better. Maybe I will replace the pendent with the cross I got for one of my birthdays when I was in my late teens. But anyways, the present moved me. I was glad it wasn't an engagement ring...at least for the moment...I want that presentation to be very romantic.

I should get a shower. I should sweep the floor and make-up the bed. I will eventually but for now I want to write and relax in a way I haven't been able to for the last few weeks.

Gosh how time flies

I just realized it was Wednesday and that I haven't blogged since Friday. Just been plain ole busy! Had a busy weekend. Monday I was swamped with rush orders. Tuesday I had William with me at work all day and then had to keep both nephews until 8 pm while my sister had open house at work. Today I had an early eye appt which ran forever and now I'm at work rushing to get an order done by 5.

Things are ok... will try to catch up later today or at least by tomorrow..

hugs and xxx's

Thirst-day

I am sooooOoooo thirsty. I forgot my jug of water. Guess I'll send Dad out in a while to fetch me something to drink.

You know there are some weeks when every day situations...I'm talking situations you deal with daily...are harder to get through. That's how it's been this week. Since I've taken on the class reunion full-throttle, I feel a rush to get the mailing list finished and the letters of intent since out before my online class starts next Wed. Bon Bon is a big help so far but she doesn't have the finesse for dealing with the 'people' part of this. I have to make some calls to a few of our classmates before mailing the letters, mainly to the ones who are on the reunion committee. I have a feeling they will all be relieved to know that they are off the hook in planning one. After all they've missed two reunions and I'm sure they're tired of people asking when the next one will be.

Bon and I had a long discussion about stuff Tuesday night. We nixed the DJ plan and decided to go with CD's of luau type music. I think I'll take two boom boxes and have one outside on the deck and the other inside...for dancing, if anyone wants too. We'll save at least a hundred bucks on a DJ and can use the extra money on food. It will be expensive to feed a crowd with today's prices and I'm sure things won't be any cheaper next year.

We had some hard rain yesterday and the temps never got out of the 70's...strange weather for Dog Days August. It's sunny today and the temps are in the lower 80's. And it looks like it will be like that through the weekend.

I've decided to have another yard sale next Sat. Instead of hauling back the stuff at Al's... I think it's best to try and get rid of things there. What I don't get rid of is going to the side of the road with a "FREE" sign on it.

Got a new adult catalog in the mail this week--- lots of lingerie, stockings, lubes and toys. I guess it's good that I haven't had time to drool all over the pages .... or I would be in a foul sexually frustrated mood...lol...

well...enjoy your day folks

Oh the joys of Monday

These past few days have flown by with all the stress and turmoil that August brings! There are a few things I want to blog about but that will take time and I want to 'right' everything 'write.'

Weekend was ok. Spent a lot of time doing chores, shopping for school stuff for the boys (I always contribute) and thinking about where I want to go next.

The road of life is never easy and sometimes there are so many paths to choose from that one doesn't move at all. That's how I've felt lately. And with Al... I don't know what's going to happen. But I do know him very well...and whatever plans he 'wants' for us, he won't tell me until he's gotten it down in him mind and ... for a while I thought it would be too late.

I've expressed many displeasures of late... about a lot of things... and his response is to either ignore things or hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. Well, I already know that!!!! So I decided not to worry about it anymore...and let God take care of things. That I should concentrate on me and what I want for now...

and that's to begin a career to supplement my restorations... so Aug 20, I'm going to take an online class about starting a publishing company. It's a 6-week class and I do it online. Highly interactive but with Al having roadrunner I will be able to work on it during the weekend.

The next thing I want to do is to take either a grant writing class or a class that tells you how to start a non-profit organization. I've been toying with the idea to start something in the humanities field, like an artist guild that focuses on mentoring upcoming artists or a writers association focusing on the local and surrounding areas here in L'ton. I guess I need to think about this more...and concentrate on getting through my first class.

But those are just ideas I'm tossing around. Another subject that caught my eye was learning Braille and then transferring written words to Braille for the Blind to read. Yes, I want to experience something unique and different from what the local job market has in stock for me.

We all need to dream and to explore the dreams we have... (except the Zombie dreams I keep having) and to at least see if they are obtainable enough to make the dream a reality.

Friday morning ramble

I had a refreshing evening last night. No TV (except for 15 mins of Sweeney Todd--too much singing and the last half of Shrek 3--I love that movie.)..just silence in the house. I love a quiet house. My spirit regenerates during these silences.

So I grilled a small steak, baked a potato and steamed some broccoli. A nice meal..ended it with a peanut butter ice sandwich. Yum...

Did some laundry. Downloaded some audio books. Colored my hair--a very dark brown, although the box promised it would be medium brown. I'm glad I didn't leave it on the total time expected. It's not bad looking. In fact it's the same color it was when I was a young girl. The nephews won't like it. They got a kick out of the reddish 'braid' pattern I had in it. William asked if his hair had one.

Started the 3rd Narnia book--A Horse and His Boy. Some of the writing is too simple, yes I know it's written for kids but so were the Harry Potter series. I wonder if JK Rowling really understands the miracle of writing she created with that series.

Talked to Sam yesterday ...first time since his surgery. When he answered the phone and realized it was me he said, "About time! I was thinking about you yesterday. I thought 'I miss my girl. She better call soon or I'm gonna have to." He's doing much better. Still can't see out of his left eye but he's been told it will get better. He said that he's not wearing the patch anymore. He's such a knuckle head when it comes to taking care of himself. I hope he's following the Doc's orders. You don't play around with your sight.

Got the webcam up for the boys. Haven't tried it out yet. I'll let them goof off with it tonight. William is going to spend a few hours with me at work later today. He'll play games on the old PC and I hope that keeps him occupied for the whole time. I've got some work to do today that's due out tomorrow.

So... I'll send this along with wishes for a great day and a wonderful weeknd if I don't get back.

Update on my Website

Found time to work on it tonight:

sips of ...ME

Have the art section up and running.

Tits, Clits and Bong Hits

The title has nothing to do with this post. Just felt like foolin' witcha... Though I do have two of the above three and have done a few of the last one.

I called in for jury instructions last night and the recorded voice said:

"Attention all jurors, this is the Clerk of Court. Those jurors who started their jury duty on May 19, 2008 are now excused for duty. You have completed your responsibility to the county. Do not report in tomorrow. You will not have to serve on jury duty for two years. Thank you. This tape will self-destruct in 5..4..3..2..1 seconds. (Boom)."

So very groovy. I'm done and have no worries for the next couple of years.

Our landlord dropped by the studio yesterday and told Dad that the building was under negotiations and might be sold soon. As soon as he left, Dad came charging round the corner to where I was and asked if I heard what was said. I did.

What kills me the most about this situation is how Dad acts like he's just heard the news! The man told us in early August that he was going to sell all the buildings he owns. Hell, he's in his early 80's...and his health is bad. I would too under the circumstances.

Dad said, "I don't know what we're gonna do."

I took a deep breath, because even though I told him this before doesn't mean he took me seriously. "Dad, I'm actively looking for another job. It's time I got out on my own and did something different. I've spent 19 years with the studio and I feel a little burned out."

He didn't say anything. I really believe this is the first time he's actually heard what I said.

"You can work out of your home, doing commerical work and wedding. Heck Dad, you could even put a building out there? It's not far from town and think of the money you could save? I can do my restorations on the side at home. I've got a list of my clients."

He still didn't say anything. Funny how you ramble inside uncomfortable silences. So I said, "I've got a lot of skills. I can get a good job that pays more that we're making right now. And if it doesn't work out, then I can start a restoration business full time or even work in Fayetteville. There are a lot of jobs there that I qualify for."

Finally he said, "You could get your teaching certificate."

I shot that idea down. "No way...I am too old to teach and that's not what I want to do."

He frowned and said, "I hate this is happening. I don't want to work out of my home. I feel like a failure. What will people say?"

"A FAILURE??? You aren't a failure. If the studio suddenly started putting out bad work or you launched a new champaign to bring in business and it bombed...then maybe you would be a failure. You aren't ... in fact you should be proud of the fact that the studio hasn't closed sooner. Look at all the studios that were once opened but have closed down because of lack of business. We can't help that a new era in photography hit us, Dad. The public can get the same camera as professionals can. There's little use for studios now, except commerical work or daycare and weddings..oh and restorations. We're the 'Horse and buggy' of our time...once automoblies arrived...they almost became obsolete... soon we will be too. It's time to do something different."

I was surprised he didn't interrupt me...but I think he knew this already and wanted to milk some sympathy out of the situation. My brother and sister say he's trying to make me feel guilty for moving on... maybe, but the guilt isn't going to work. I've paid my dues long ago and it's time for Shere to fly away.

All of her days have gone soft and cloudy
All of her dreams have gone dry
All of her nights have gone sad and shady
She's gettin' ready to fly

Fly away (mmmm)
Fly away (mmmm...Fly away)

I really don't know what the future holds but I feel a lightness within me...an excitement and a little fear of the unknown, but I think I can handle it.

Hell, I know I can.

Taking Charge of SHERE!

I haven't hidden the fact that I'm unhappy with Al's decision that we remain 'celibate' until we're married. Nothing's changed on my part since he made this decision alone.

With this decision, he's become the driver of our relationship. I'm just a back-seat driver who's not allowed to say much about where we're headed. When I try to talk about it or complain, he says that he doesn't know when he'll be "ready" and asks "Aren't I worth the wait?"

That's besides the point. I want to know what's going on in his head and I think that's not too much to ask. Every person in a relationship deserves that.

Every night this week, I've had nightmares and bad dreams about he and I. So bad that one of them woke me up at 4 am Tuesday morning...I was crying and covered in sweat. The dream was so horrific I immediately blotted it out. I can't continue like this.

So tonight...after our movie, I'm going to tell him I need a 'physical' sign that he isn't pulling my leg over our future...

I think you know what I want...

a fucking engagement ring.


"Aren't I worth that?"