Friday, November 07, 2008

And the sun shines again...

As you can see from my previous blog post, I've been an emotional wreck these past couple of weeks, worrying about Teez, worrying about our 'thing', worrying about Al and our impending split, worrying about...many things.

After work, I stopped at Big Lots. I love that place. I always find neat things there and this time I actually picked up 3 Xmas presents and 2 birthday presents and 4 stocking stuffers...all for under 30 bucks! Can't beat that!

On the way home I decided to call Thomas and see how he's doing...make it short if he's still distant. HE wasn't. I said, "Hi, Just calling to get updates on you." He said, "I'm having spaghetti for dinner." We talked about that for a moment or two, then he said, "Baby, I'm actually better today. Got great news on my culture. It was clean--no staph reported. But they found a blood clot in my shoulder so I'm taking meds for that." I said, "Great. I know that part sucks. But it's terrific that the staph infection is over."

Then he said, "I'm better today. I feel better, brighter..." My heart soared. He sounded like my Teez. So we made small talk. He gave me a rundown of his weekend plans...Sunday will be a day full of visitation from some friends and family. But he emphasized that he wanted me to keep in touch over the weekend. That it was ok if I called because he told everyone about me...not sure what he's told but he said no matter who answered the phone I was to tell them who I was and they would promptly get him. Not to fret or worry about it.

I promised I would. I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel this weekend. The monthly curse will start tomorrow or Sunday and I dread it. Plus Sunday is the 10th year anniversary of my miscarriage. It's been weighing on my mind the last few days...mainly because I've had two close friends to mention it. One said out of the blue, "I wish your baby had lived." Talk about a stab ot my heart...and the other said, "You and Al should light a candle for your lost little one." Another out of the blue comment... I guess it's weighing on their minds because it's a big milestone to pass... yet feels like it happened yesterday. Being on my period will bring back the memory of the pain. I don't know how Al will be ...he and I are not on the best of terms now, although I do try to make things light...I know the last time I mentioned the miscarriage, he made an excuse to leave the room for some odd chore. SO I know there will be no comfort from him.

During one of our long phone conversations, I found myself telling Thomas about it. He cried with me. I've never known a man who can reflect my moods at the right time and moment. He said I gave him a gift...a part of my soul...with my sorrow. And he repaid me with the pictures and tale of losing his toes and foot and eventually a leg. I stood beside him while he showed me picture after picture, saying he hadn't looked a them in many years. I felt the loss as deeply as he did. We didn't cry but I touched him during the whole viewing process and I knew he was moved that I didn't flinch or run from the horror but understood his loss and the courage it took to carry on.

This afternoon, after we talked for a good 15 mins, I told him he needed to finish his dinner but he wouldn't let me hang up ...he kept saying some of the funniest things. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Finally I said, "Thomas, stop making me laugh." He said, "But I love your laugh. It warms my soul."

Mine is warm too.

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