From the Heart

From the Heart (A long blog post) (reposted from myspace)

Once again I sit in front of the monitor with fingers tapping out letters forming words, then sentences and finally paragraphs. And I have no idea where this blog post is going to lead me... well, that's not true, I have an idea but getting it out here...is another thing.

I confess that sometimes I take the long road in expressing myself when most people would probably hit the express lane.

I'm listening to Great White's "Rock Me." Good song...reminds me of G-vegas in the mid-late 80's and all the crazy times I had at the Attic, Susie's Treehouse and Rafters...I had fun at other bars but these three places Rocked...me.

The Attic... Al's cousin Dennis was once a Roadie for Doc Holiday (a band that played at the Attic often). He told me a funny story about how Doc H had played at a bar in Raleigh a week before doing the Attic and the owner of the Raleigh Bar gave the Roadies some free T-shirts. They set up for the Attic concert earlier in day and that night they are all wearing their free Tees ..but Tom (I think that was his name) the owner of the Attic won't let them in because he felt they were advertising for another bar (which really wasn't in competition with the Attic since it's in a different TOWN). So Dennis and the other Roadies go outside, take off all their clothes and try to re-enter the Attic. LOL... man I'm so glad I didn't see that!...and no they weren't admitted.

There were some great acts at the Attic. Kixx...totally rocked. I was front stage (and had to fight to keep it) and the guitarist let me fondle his leg from toe to upper and I mean upper thigh... lol. When that happened, my roommate Jeri sent some muscle guy to remove me from proceding further and getting kicked out. Now, I wasn't too happy then but now...I'm glad she used her muscle to keep me in line. Then there was Vixen, the heavy metal one hit wonder chicks..they rocked. I remember Greg Allman playing there and he got lost on the street in front of Rafters during his break, he was Totally fubar! If I have to explain that one..

Susie's Treehouse deserves a blog post of it's own. I'll have to remind myself to make some whiskey sours and write... and Rafters...what can I say. I knew the most popular oldies DJ when he was the grand master metal mixer in Rafters during the wicked 80's.

Now "Cumbersome" is playing... Three William Mary. A local metal band from the 90's (KatDaddy's Fishhouse) did a great cover of this song. I used to direct the guitarist in our church's children's choir during the late 70's. LOL..see what kind of influence I have on young minds.

"Every Rose has its thorn" by Poison is on...my middle name is Rose, btw and yes I have thorns.

For the last week, I've been thinking a lot on hearts of the matter. Or is that matters of the heart... I forget!

Since I started looking for classmates back in August, I've looked inside my year books on and off... and now.."Always and Forever" is playing... how appropriate... anyway...Sorry I have to stop and sing-along...bare with me...

Turned the playlist off when it finished, so I won't go down every off-beaten musical path I hear...

But getting back to my ramble...one of my online pals asked if I planned to reconnect with any crushes I had during my school years. Well, I laughed out loud for real when I read that email. I think I had one secret crush but it wasn't so bad that I pined away for an eternity. So no...there are no past crushes I plan to rekindle.

But her email got me to thinking about my past love issues and how that maybe if I had of had a bunch of broken high school flings, I might not have been so heartbroken the first time I really fell hard in love with a bouncer at one of the G-vegas clubs in 1985! During the years before that, I always guarded my heart and never let myself get too attached to any guy. I dated guys that were sorta vain and easily distracted by bright shiny objects until I met this bright shiny object in the form of a tall blonde giant...and fell helplessly in love at the first hello.

We flirted for months...until he asked me out on my golden birthday--Oct. 23, 1985 (I was turning 23). It was a magical night...and for the first time in a long time I let my heart and my body tumble head-over-heels. He seemed to be as smitten as I was...and we dated for over a month. When you're in love you can ignore the warning signs of things not quite right...at least that's my excuse. He wasn't always available for me to see..and I chalked it up to working late at night.

Finally right before Christmas, he told me the truth...he was involved with another girl and had been dating her for 2 years! Shockingly I was the other woman...and I was crushed. And promptly stopped seeing him, even as my heart broke into thousands of pieces. It took me years to get over him... I think in part because he was the first guy I said "I love you" to...and truly meant it.

From him, I learned that love may be blind but don't let it be stupid too!

After this broken affair, I dated on and off... was stalked and that made me very cautious of men...but on the bright side, had a great friendship with benefits with a special guy who never noticed the Playgirl centerfolds tacked above my bed...lol...

Sadly all things have to end and so did this...once I moved back home from Greenville in Dec. 1988. Then in Feb 1989, I ran into a guy who was two years ahead of me in high school. You know...I didn't like him then and why I let myself be lead by the nose into a relationship with him for 6 years is still beyond me. I think I was under the assumption that at 26, I need to settle down with someone, get married and have babies and a station wagon or something...maybe a dog...oh and some tuperware.

When I think of this relationship, I don't feel anything, except Indifference! I truly believe that indifference is worse that hate, because with hate you feel something!

Within 3 months, we said I love you. And an engagement ring followed...so did the problems. I stuck with him, because I made a commitment of the heart. A solemn vow that I refused to break. During his drug problems, I kept thinking...if we were married we would work this out...and thought the same when he started cheating on me during our last 2 years together. I spent 6 years with this man, thinking that my love would conquer all our problems.

I was so terribly wrong. There's a full line for all of us... we take and take and once that line is flooded, we are able to say "ENOUGH." That's what I did with him... and ended things for good. My parting words were... "One day ...maybe not tomorrow or next week...or even a month from now, but one day you'll be on your knees before me, crying and begging me to come back to you. Because I'm the best thing that has and will ever happen to you."

Five months later my forecast came true. And that's when I felt my first sample of Indifference! From this relationship, I learned that one person's love can't 'fix' a damn thing in a relationship, if the other person isn't willing to work too.

A few months later, I met Al. We danced and flames flew around us. He was my first real whirlwind, my first meeting of mind/body/soul... we connected on a mental level that was above any relationship I had ever had. We sat for hours talking...or driving down country roads talking...we shared visions and laughter. And a year later, I knew I was deeply and passionately in love with him. I thought ...finally my Prince has come.

But there's a dark side to this...the demons he kept close to his heart and the liquor that soothed them. For 5 years, I fought to win over the demons and lost... I was drowning in them just as he was. Only I was his rock...the one he clung to in the rapids of life. And eventually it was too much. I had to break things off or my soul would die.

It was difficult to say goodbye, because we both still loved each other so much. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices of the heart in order to live the next day.

From Al, I learned that you can still go on living without that person you so deeply love. It's possible to let go...now it might be painful but it won't kill you unless you allow it to.

About a year after Al and I broke up, I met a guy I really wasn't impressed with. He had tanned ankles. For some reason a guy who wears loafers without socks and has tanned ankles turns me off! But he was impressed with me and kept calling me at work until I finally gave out my home number. When he called that night, we had fun talking for over 3 hours. We fell into a phone relationship (for 6 months until he finally got the nerve to take me out--yes, I'm a patient gal) because he worked out of town most of the time and actually lived in Charleston SC. I didn't mind. Truth be told I wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

This guy killed me though... he would talk himself out of dates with me because he thought I was too much fun to be around and he had teen-aged sons whom he wanted to spend time with... He would say things like "Dammit, you're too cool. Now I want to spend all my free time with you but I can't. My sons need me." And I would say "Stop thinking beyond the moment. Just go with the flow and see what happens." But he didn't. He couldn't. I knew it wouldn't last with him...he was too wishy washy about the possibility of a serious relationship--one he wanted yet couldn't bring himself to have.

There's no hard feelings on my part. When I think of him I wonder about all the possible wonderful relationships he's talked himself out of and if now that his sons are grown, has he allowed himself the joys of letting someone in his heart.

With this guy I learned that you can't force someone to like you, much less love you and am glad I never tried... another thing I learned was that it was okay NOT to know where an affection for someone was headed...to let it just be.

I dated a few others... and have no regrets of the time I spent and can actually say I made some great friends during these years.

Then Al shows up again in my life in Dec 2005...6 years after we broke up and the chemistry we shared was still so vivid and undeniable...so I fall back into his arms. For about 6 months things were the best ever. He had stopped drinking, battled and won the war over his demons and was working to have things..for us. There was talk of marriage ...of the real life possibility of it. Then things were shot down by a car wreck he was in, his health (prostate issues/diverticulitous) and the loss of his job due to the business closing.

I stuck by him and kept thinking... if we were married I would still be here. Funny how you can fall back into old habits... and so... I have stayed. Back in Feb, he got a great paying job and has been very successful but...he's driven to make money now...and I realize that he's not the same carefree man I once loved. Maybe I was in love with the drinking fun Al...who I was around for five years the first time around...and the fun Al was there when we rekindled the romance...but he's gone now. There's little laughter between us....and I thrive on laughter--my soul needs it.

Another stone tossed in is his religious beliefs... he's become a devout born again Christian who considers intimacy a sin. Tell that to a hot-blooded Scorpio woman!

So another ending is beginning to begin after almost 3 years of being back together...and I still can't walk away from it...from the love we once had...from the dreams I once clung too...

I don't know what lesson I've learned this time around...I guess I'll know once the tale's been told...

But I will say this much...recently I've realized through an awakening of my body/soul/mind and spirit that when you are touched in all those areas...when you find a connection that lifts you...embraces you and soothes you, while inspiring you and giving you so much joy...that there is no greater freedom of the heart than this...that it's not meant to be caged or labeled or placed on a pedestal...but to be stroked, to be enjoyed and validated as only two connected souls can...while it is there ...existing within...

that it's okay to have matters of the heart that matter to the heart...without the labels and bindings so many fall into, only to lose it...forever.