The Sun Rose Today.

And oh man, my fig preserves are the bestest of the best. I'm having some on buttered toast with coffee. A late breakfast because I was outside at 8 am watering my flowers.

Yesterday was one of the lowest days I've had in ages. A mixture of things bothering me--work, dad's health, my great-uncle Bill's errands he sends me on, and a few other things not worth mentioning...but the icing on the cake has been a real-life friend who has let me down the last month or so.

I've mentioned him before--Doug, my movie and dinner friend. We've known each other for over 3 yrs now. At first there was a romance, but to be honest it didn't work out. He's 10 yrs younger than I am and not prone to taking unveiled suggestions on sexual manuevers. It has been a good year and a half since any sort of romantic contact. But our friendship has always remained strong. I've been a major support system for him. Wish I could say the same for him.

Because I am so private, I do not always talk about the things that bother me, so when I do you can believe it must be something important to me. To make a long story short, I turned to him and his reaction was "I know I'm not a very good friend and I don't seem to be getting better."
At first I was shocked to hear that...and now I realize it's the proverbial "I'm a Bad Seed--don't expect much of me" card played. He now has an excuse to his recent behavoir and an excuse to continue.

That hurts me. I value friends and I know that many friendships have different value. There is usually one person who shows more support, makes more of an effort to be a good friend... But there is also the friendships that are equal on all parties. Those are usually rare and priceless. After 3 yrs, I place a lot of value on my friendship with Doug, but not a lot of effort. I realize that his depth of soul isn't as intense as mine, but I do expect him to be there when I come to him for unloading--which is something that he's not been there for me to do in a month or so.

With this adding to the pile of stones I carry, I had sunk into a level of depression that I haven't experienced in a long time. My soul was crying. Then late afternoon, John pops on Messnger and we get to chat awhile. I told him about Doug. Then it hit me... I should do some Spring cleaning with my life.

John said, "that's not such a bad idea... just...please don't clean me out."

Never... John's my "J of sunshine." I can get a ray of sunshine any time. The J of sunshine is hard to find.