Hello...May I speak with Mr/s. (insert a name)?

Usually they get my last name wrong and I know it's a telephone solicitor. At home it's only tele-charity marketers. Now with the do-not-call petition in effect, I don't get the "are you happy with your long distance service" calls or the time-share scams.

Sort of miss them. I have grand memories of getting calls while I was cooking supper. I would say, "Can you hold a moment?" They always said they would and then I would proceed to finish cooking supper. Every once in a while I would pick up the phone to see if they were still there...occasionally they were and I would say, "Sorry, I'm almost done." Put the phone back down and do some more stuff. The record of longevity goes to a "Sprint" guy...he hung on for 30 mins.

Another favorite is the time I asked one of the long distance service warriors for his home phone number--that I was busy and would call him later at home. He said he couldn't give out his home number--that I couldn't call him at home. I said "Why not? You're calling my home."

Once when I was home with a respiratory illness in 98, I got a call from a woman telemarketer. I didn't want to answer the phone because I felt like shit and could barely talk due to congestion. But I answered because Mom had called the day before and when I didn't answer, she called a neighbor to come over and check on me. SO I answered the phone with a cracked raspy voice and the lady said, "Hello sweetheart, is your mommy home?"

I didn't say anything for a moment. And to her distress, she caught me in a moment of clarity and quick wit. I said, "No. Mommy ran off with Mr. Smith our next-door neighbor. Do you know my mommy? I miss her."

The lady stammered out.."hmmm, no. Hmmm is there another adult around that I can speak to?"

"No. Daddy just left with his shotgun. Can I take a message?"

Click.

Then of course, there are the calls we still get here at the studio. Most of the time I answer the phone and can cut them off before Dad gets to them. He likes to debate. A few years ago I got calls from a guy. He would ask for Dad and if I said he wasn't there, he would hang up on me. Usually in the middle of my "May I take a message" request. He did this for a week. Sometimes twice a day. I learned his voice quickly.

So I corned him one afternoon. When he asked for Dad, instead of giving the phone over, I said "You're the guy who keeps hanging up on me." He denied it. I said, "No, I know it's you. I recognize your voice. I've got a few things to say to you before I hand the phone over to Mr. P. First of all, I'm the person you have to go throuh to get to Mr. P. So I've got a few suggestions for you: Don't hang up when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Ask how my day is going? And compliments on my voice always gets a tele-marketer points and maybe even a conversation with Mr. P."

He told Dad that his 'secretary had the tenacity of a bull-dog." Maybe.

But today, as I got ready for work I got a call from a tele-charity. They wanted a donation to help kids with special needs go to camp, the theatre, and museums, etc. I said sure that I would help and offered a $10 donation. I am a big supporter of some local charities. But this guy sounded nice and I figured I would commit and have him send a form to my home. But he asked that I hold on a moment. I did and he came back and said, "Sorry Miss but our minimum donation is $25."

What? A minimium ..who puts a minimium on donations? When you're asking for help, you don't say..."Oh I can't take anything less than X amount of dollars or X amount of goods?" You take whatever someone can afford to give.

I let the guy have it. Asked if the charity worked with L'ton children. Asked for a website. I got no real answer from him. He wanted to put me on hold again, probably to confer with his boss, but I said, "Take me off your phone list now."

So here's to tele-anybodies .... "Don't call or I'll send my daddy over with his shotgun." lol