Thursday, January 19, 2006
Honesty and Sex...
When I first arrived at Al's, we spent some 30 minutes kissing. As soon as I stepped through the doorway, he had me in an embrace. It was a nice one. When his hands became 'snaky,' I pulled away. He laughed and let them drop. Then gave me a tour of his house. He had added things since my last visit a few years ago. After the tour, he began his long drawn out meal.
First we had blackened oysters. Yummy... then a salad of spinach, mushrooms and a vinegarette dressing he made from scratch. After the salad, we sat and talked for an hour or so. It was during the soup that he began to question my sexual history after our breakup.
I was honest, which led him to be honest too. I didn't tell him everything. I told him about some of the horrible blind dates I've had. About Robert, the GI I fell in love with and lost to the War on Terrorism. I told him about Doug. How he was 11 yrs younger and that he didn't want the sexual advice of a wordly woman and how it infuriated me to where our sex life began nil for the last year and a half of our relationship. I told him about a diversion (whose name is kept safe) I had last fall and early winter and how the sex was hot and dirty and the best I had within the last 7 years (OK...until Al & I had sex later). I told him about Seth and how the girl walked in on us. How Seth seems to need validation and I really don't want to spent so much energy on doing that.
I told him a Physcian's Assistant was interested in me. I told him Seth had returned and wanted to continue our 'relationship' until he left in April.
He told me about some of the women he's dated. How they were selfish and didn't like to give long blowjobs like I used to do. How they hated giving massages. How they didn't understand his humor and so on and so forth.
I listened to him. I didn't let the fact that I wanted to fuck his brains out deter me from my listening skills. I focused on the tenses he used when talking about these women.
There were two things that he said which alerted me to how I should handle the subject that I knew would come up later and that I knew he would scream against...condoms.
One thing he asked was "So you never went out to the sports bar or other clubs and picked up guys? It's sometimes easier to have one-night stands than relationships. Fast hard sex and 'poof' you're gone the next morning."
No. I don't do one-night stands. Mainly because I have to have more than a physcial connection for sex. I can't orgasm unless I'm connected mentally. It takes longer than a few hours and requires more than a few drinks to establish that for me. Now, I've had my share of them in my younger years at ECU. I loved cock and cock loved me. It's not that I don't love cock. I am devouted to it--to the shape and taste of it...to the way it fits tight inside. But I'm more selective and to me...that characteristic is very important.
But I heard what he didn't say--what he left out. Let me re-write it. "It's sometimes easier (for me) to have one-night stands than relationships. Fast hard sex and 'poof' (I'm) you're gone the next morning."
The other thing he said was about the girl he dates 'casually.' He kept telling me stuff she did that got on his nerves, such as give him one minute blowjobs, give him one minute massages, jump up right after sex and shower. Notice the common theme? Present tense! When I mentioned my situations with Doug or Robert or the Diversation, I spoke in past tense. Al was talking about the girl as if she was doing it at that moment.
Another woman...or rather I was the other woman. I laugh now, because I didn't feel any curiousity about her. Nor jealousy. It was what it was and that's his business.
After we finally ate dinner, Al took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom where we had an hour or so's worth of foreplay. When it came time for penetration, I pulled out a condom from my toy bag. He wasn't happy about it, swearing that he was 'clean.' Maybe so... I knew I was ok. I keep a check on it at my GYNO. I don't mind asking to be tested. I felt I didn't need to take chances with Al.
The sex was hard. He tore at least 7 condoms, but I had a bunch and would make him put one back on. It was good sex. Sweaty and mind-blowing...very athletic. I'm glad I'm in shape...but even so I was sore until today.
All during the night, the phone rang on and off. He didn't answer it. It rang often during Sunday. He didn't answer it. It rang Monday morning...he didn't answer it. I can't help but think it was her calling. I didn't fret over it.
He called Monday, as I mentioned in an earlier post. I told him I would call Tuesday evening. He said that he couldn't wait. I did. I called once at 7. Got his recorder. Left a message that I would call back at 10. Did so and got the recorder again. I didn't leave a message. Nor did I call back.
I'm not stupid to assume that just because I was there the whole weekend, that he isn't going to continue to see the other girl. With him not answering or returning the call, I realized she probably was there. I have no plans to call him back. He can call me. I'm not going to fret over it. What will happen will happen... I'll let it go it's natural course.
In the meantime, I'll do what I always do every day and night. I'll continue to live for myself. To bravely accept the good and the bad, to wonder and examine and study every emotion and act that I perform momently. I won't worry what anyone thinks and I'll bravely write what I feel, even if it's too revealing.
There was a dream once that was Allen. A dream that I held dearly and one that I thought would last a lifetime. Now...there's a dream that is Sherrie. A dream that will last a lifetime. A dream that is.