Few people know this, so keep it under your hat.
Four nights of crazy dreams, being on the rag, too much caffiene and vague answers can make a pretty potent poison. And I drank deeply.
After posting yesterday, I felt a calmness. Thank heavens for blogs. On the way up to see Al, I had time to think and realized that I had to put things in God's hands. Al's doing the best he can. He's been hurt so much in the past and plays his cards close. While I put mine on the table for the world to see. No wonder we clash sometimes.
He's used to making decisions and not having to think of another person. Al's done this for a very long time. On the flip side, I understand that my decisions affect many. I've got to be understanding and remind him gently that we're a team and keep reminding him until he remembers.
We're in a different place than we were ten years ago. I've got to remember that and put the old pain and disappointments of our old relationship behind me. This is a different Al--an Al who loves me very deeply and expresses it more often now than he ever did in the past. Both of us have to get over our fear of talking about our future. When I ask direct to the point questions, he runs. When he makes veiled hints, I stay quiet hoping to hear more...and don't, which makes me antsy about us. Instead, I should encourage him to talk, because I think it's his way of introducing topics he's not sure how to openly discuss.
I know you're wondering if I demanded an engagement ring... no, I didn't. I got to his house about 15 mins before he got home. He had worked at Valerie's, trimming all her azaela bushes--9 hours of clipping. His back and arms were killing him, so he got a shower and I played ball with the cat. Once he was out, I gave him a massage until he loosened up. While I massaged him, he talked about work and other stuff...then gave me an opening by mentioning that he had weird dreams all night. A small voice told me to keep quiet, so I did.
He drove my truck to the theatre and I made jokes all the way over there. And we fell into a light-hearted banter. We got our tickets to see 10,000 BC. We got popcorn and found seats...
the movie was different than we thought it would be...like Al said, "It's a love story told differently." During the movie, popcorn kept falling on me. I thought some kids a few rows up and over were throwing it over their shoulders...but no, it was AL!!! He was tossing it overhand. After we finished our popcorn, he put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and watched the rest of the movie.
We got home... and hung out, talking about different things while we watched some shows. I went to the bedroom first, while he stayed in the den and read his Bible. After getting in bed, I said a prayer, asking for guidence and for a sign...for what to do...
When Al came to bed, he wrapped himself around me and we didn't move until the morning. I slept peacefully and dreamt...
We woke up at around 8:30 am. I started to get up, but he said, "Stay a while." Then wrapped himself around me...his face breathing in the fragrance of my hair. I felt content. After a while, he turned onto his back and I turned towards him, rasing up on an elbow. He gave me an inquiring look.
I said, "I've been having nightmares about us all this week."
He laughed, "What? Have I turned into a monster?"
"No...most of them are about you and ex-girlfriends... one was about you abandoning me and terrorist captured me...it was horrible...they almost raped me but I got away."
He frowned, "I'm sorry, baby."
"It's ok. They're just dreams but they upset me. In the last one, I was cleaning up cat shit off the floor (he laughed when I said that) and you came in with an Asian woman...I think it was (the name of a woman he dated before me). You said, 'Sorry Sherrie, but I'm upgrading. We're through."
He interrupted, "She's not an upgrade. I don't want her. She's ugly inside."
"Well, I just know that my dreams have upset me all week. They may sound silly to you but they aren't to me. So..."
I paused and took a deep breath, "last night while you were reading your Bible, I prayed about this...and asked God for a sign that I was on the right path with you."
He held his breath, not taking his eyes off me. I continued, "And I had a dream...we were on our honeymoon at a beautiful exotic island. And we were laughing and so happy..."
Al pulled me into his arms and squeezed me...after a moment I said, "but you were pissed...the travel agent didn't tell you that the beach we were at was the one where the Travelosity Gnome and his buds vacationed. We were the only humans there and every time we stepped on one they kicked us in the ankles."
He started laughing and I joined it...
Then he kissed me deeply and said, "Sherrie, if gnomes are all we have to worry about, we'll be okay."
I left with a new found hope for our future and sense of purpose to conquer doubt and Gnomes if need be.