Dinner with Shook'em Up

Sherry Shook'em up and I had dinner at San Jose. Caught up on what happened after high school...etc. Did a lot of laughing. Bryan and Donna were supposed to come along but both didn't make it. Donna had to work over and Bryan's daughter spent the night wih him. Talked to Donna this morning and she said that we weren't suppose to talk about 'good stuff' without her. That she's jealous she missed out on gossip. I asked her just what were we suppose to talk about...she said, "Nothing. Just eat." LOL..she's a riot.

What's funny is that in the middle of dinner, my cell rang & I said "Bet that's Mr. Glazed Donut (Bryan)." Wrong it was Bon and I freaked, which made Sherry laugh. I tried to hide the phone under my purse as it rang. It was so funny. She kept saying "Answer it" and I kept saying, "But what if she finds out about US??" She said, "Don't tell her you're with me!!" I'm sure the people in the surrounding booths wondered what was up!

Called her when I got home and I don't know why I was worried. She went right into whatever it was on her mind. I listened and once she finished, I told her I had to run. I'm less stressed and drained now that I don't get drawn into her drama. Life's tough enough without negative people in your life.

Mild but not freezing

We've had crazy weather these last few weeks. Rain for a few days, sunshine/cold, then extreme cold, rain and do you see a vicious cycle storming? I've got bulbs in flower pots that need going in the ground and they're about to bloom because it's been to wet or cold to work in the yard. My congestion is coming back...I swear I've never seen a winter like this..well, at least not in ages.

Not sure where this blog post is gonna take me...so bare with me.

Hmm...Updates? yeah...updates:

1) Nephews

Both guys are doing pretty good in school. William is learning how to do division (he's finding it difficult) but I push him to finish him homework and hope that he gets what we've done. Ben is a quick one. I think if his ADHD wasn't a factor he would rule the 2nd grade. For some reason Ben thinks McCain tried to 'kill' our Current present by dancing. It's such a funny idea that I can't help but wonder if it would have worked.

2) Work

Busy...thankfully. Not swamped but busy enough to not be stressful.

3) Al

Things are status quo. We are getting along really good and are actually having fun on the weekends. Sunday we spent the day at different Asian food marts looking for a rice cooker/warmer...found one and had some amazing rice with toasted seaweed wraps. Yum...I could eat some now. I've decided not to worry about the future...let it take care of itself. With the reunion coming up and me as Chief, my dance card is full. I think once it's over, I'll reevaluate my relationship with Al and what I truly want in the future and go from there.

4) Class Reunion

A few weeks ago, I met with a select group of classmates (Donna H--a police detective, Sherry S-an office manager, Bryan-bakery owner, Phillip--ER PA and... that's all to discuss the reunion. I had become very aggravated with Bon, who was telling fibs about me and my domineering ways regarding the reunion. That I wouldn't let her help with the plans (she must have forgotten the list of things I gave for her to check on) ...oh I don't even want to hash up what was said...let's just say that I got mad, which is something that rarely happens.

We had the meeting at Ruby Tuesday. I must say we had fun and beer. Bon brought her 7 yr-old with her and didn't eat or drink (it was too expensive). One of the things she told someone was that I had to understand that her children came first...well I did understand and I wondered to myself why she didn't FEED THE CHILD before showing up for the meeting. We were eating! None of us realized this until Bon was leaving... I would have bought the child dinner if I had known... anyway... we had the best time...all of us trying to check our language or topics of conversation was a bit of a wet rag but we did.

As the meeting went on and we finally settled down to discuss reunion issues, I noted Bon's body language and it wasn't warm and cozy. A few times I pointedly asked her opinion on things and she would answer "Whatever they decide." They meaning the rest of the group. When we were done, Bon huffed out. Phil had left early to see Bush's final speech. (He's head of the local Rep party). Donna, Sherry and I were standing in the parking lot saying goodbye... Bryan had already gone to his car, when Bon drives by us and I wave bye...She pointedly turns her head.

The final straw... I went home and thought about the reunion, weighed the pros and cons of a luau vs banquet hall/catering company.... and the later won. No luau. It's scratched. We're having it at Adelios at the Ramada Inn. I've booked them for May 30. Details are still uncertain. I hope to have things wrapped up in the next week.

And I haven't heard from Bon except once ...she called to ask if I had an extra copy of our class pic from the last reunion. I didn't. And that's all. B-free for almost 14 days. I come to the conclusion that she's a psychic vampire, draining my spirit of good feelings. She has the worst attitude of any person I've met and when we talk, I end up feeling drained. And I feel so much better now that I don't have to deal with her...with her out of the picture it seems as if others are more willing to help.

Murder...Mystery.. OH MY!

My friend Michele who lives in Fayetteville is hosting a murder-mystery at her house. I'm gonna be a part of it...the Potent Poet! There's a website that has scripts you can buy and download.

She's going with the 'Killers International Annual Meeting' Synopsis. She ran out of characters and we worked on creating my own personal one. I'm really excited. The party is Feb 7... and I'm ready to have some fun. Don't think I'll bring Al along. M's friends are...well...what I call strays. People who don't necessarily fit in well with the mainstream society. She is a kind-hearted lady and tries to help people when she meets someone who is lost or lonely. I admire her for it.

I'm back

My respiratory stuff has cleared up. My shoulder is better and I'm beginning to feel like the old Sherrie is returning. I know Teez would want to hear this and is probably smiling at me right now.

I'll have to take time tonight or tomorrow to blog a long post to catch up on everything.

But at this moment, I'm getting ready to head out and just wanted to take time to say that I've missed blogging and am glad I have found my way back...

I know there will be days when I'll slip and fall but that's only being human. Teez is with me...always will be and with this knowledge I can move on to bright shiny things... like smiles and writing haiku about sunsets and moon glow.

Today...

Thanks Robert...thanks J...for the comment on my Teez poem! Today hasn't been a great day for me...I miss him so much.

I keep wondering what I did that was so bad for God to punish me like he has...first losing my baby and now Teez! If it weren't for the reunion planning, I think I would fall into a depression that would take years to get out of.

But I do try each day to find a way to climb out of the sorrow...at this moment...I can't.

Maybe later... today I'll find a route out.

What I look like today... Hatsy!

Snow Day

We have snow. I took a picture of it and will try to upload later. My whole left side is so dang sore... especially my arm. I've pretty much laid around all day...

although I did have a snowball fight with myself...and lost!

The Ways you Love Me

Every day I think to myself
that I'll never see you again...
never feel your touch or kiss...

But you surprised me with
a touch of fire in the
setting sun at dusk today.

As I stood watching it
fade into the pewter sky,
I felt a breeze on my cheek...

fingers of air in my hair,
caressing my ripe pink lips
soft as a kiss of sweet release.

Just when I think I'll die
from this sorrow that's been
with me since your death,

you somehow find a way to remind
me of the legacy you left for me,
the thirst of life--the thrill of love

and I embrace you in the forms
you choose to show yourself to me;
the ways you love me even now in death.






Sunset from Teez's front porch...

Catch me I'm falling..

Remember that song from the late 80's....

Well..I wish someone had caught me this morning...I fell today at Al's house...or rather outside on his driveway. After putting my junk in the truck, I was walking back to his house to get my coffee mug and say good-bye... and bang, I slide on a patch of wet pine straw that was on the walkway and landed on my left side. My left knuckles are scratched up and swollen..not broken..just swollen and my left knee and elbow got skinned up. My hip and shoulder aches. I'm glad this happened in the winter time...I believe my coat, thick sweater and jeans kept me from getting scraped up even worse. I shudder when I think of what could have happened if I had of been wearing shorts and a tank top.

The last four or so days have been up-side down...like the upside down show on the Noggin channel that comes on late at night...ever seen it. It's rather funny.

Maybe I'll blog about it later...my last few days, not the show...right now it's taken forever to type with one hand. And I need to get some more ice for my knuckles.

Dinner with some Chicks & Dicks

I invited several classmates to have dinner tonight at the new Ruby Tuesday to discuss reunion issues, etc. I've given them nicknames: Donna-got-er-gun (She's a detective with the PD), Sherry Shook-em-up (her last name is Shook), Bon-Bon-E (my fair weather friend), Dr. Phil Good (He's a PA at the ER) and Bryan-Pieman (he owns the local bakery)...oh and me, Sherrie-Queen of the Fucking Reunion.

Yesterday afternoon was a tough one for me...I suddenly was hit by sorrow and grief...missing Teez. After work I went to the drug store to get some advil, etc and wandered around, feeling as if I needed something but didn't know what. I realized I was heading for a massive depression if I didn't do something... I am good at keeping things to myself from real-life people. No one can tell usually unless they know me like a book... but I don't want to get as bad as I got when I lost my baby. Teez would be upset if I did that. But I know he would understand these occasional days when I can't help but cry...

so I got some hair color... a bunch of gray has invaded me...it's not that noticable but to me it is...and so tonight I'll become a bronze brown instead of this natural med reddish brown that is speckled with hard to see gray. Maybe the new look will make me feel better...along with some new lipstick and eye liner and nail polish.

One can change the outside but the inside remains the same. It's hard to white-wash it!

William is 10 today

Last night we had a little birthday party for William who is ten today. Time sure does fly by. I remember the first time I saw him...all bundled up with a little blue hospital hat on. His eyes were closed and he had been crying. I guess I would too if I was removed from a warm cozy dark place into a harsh cold world with too many lights shining on me.

I put my hand to my mouth and said, "Oh my. He's beautiful" and tears came. But they were ones of joy. I felt him fly into my heart. It was as if I had loved him forever.

Then his father snapped a picture of him and he wasn't too happy about the light flashing on his face. William opened one eye and frowned at me before he started crying. I pointed at his dad and said, "It wasn't me. It was your Dad who did it. Don't get mad at ME!"

And so a new person entered my life and has brought such joy and wonder to my world. For the last ten years, I've watched him face challenges and experience things for the first time that I take for granted. His humor and wit has been as clever at times as my own and how I enjoy that side of him. I even admire his stubbornness and controlling nature at times. With those, he'll go far in whatever career he decides to pursue.

My wish for William is to experience life to the fullest. To take each moment and somehow make it his, even the bad ones... that his joys be felt deeply and his sorrows mourned but not leave deep scars. I wish for him the ability to truly love and to take whatever life throws at him and make something wonderful happen.

TGIF

I'm actually feeling physcially better today. Only went through 2 kleenexes! My cough is a dry one now...little gunk coughed up. Maybe with the sunny weather we had today and hopefully this weekend (haven't checked the weather report), I'll be able to get over the last of the chest congestion.

Still feel wrung out. I guess my energy will return soon.

Meeting Bryan in the morning to discuss the reunion Menu. He was my boyfriend in the 6th, 7th and part of the 8th grade. He owns a bakery and does catering and lunches too. Always a sunny smile and tends to call all females "Baby."...guess it could be worse...he could call all of us 'witch' or something similiar.

Taking tomorrow off... after the meeting I plan to drive on up to Fayetteville...maybe see what Michele's up to or go to Barnes & Noble for a while.

Enjoy the weekend, folks.

Jan Weather

...sucks!

We've had mostly gray days since Thanksgiving! I'm so sick of the rainy gloominess that January seems to seep out of its pores.

And I miss Thomas so damn much! He's been slipping into my dreams yet I don't remember them. Just know he was there...I've taken to reading books at night before turning in and was amazed on Monday evening when I realized I had read for 3 hours and hadn't thought of him once. But as soon as I closed the book, he popped into my head. My waking thoughts are of him. While I work, he's there. When I drive home at 5ish, I want to dial his number to chat for a while. I wistfully look at my email inbox for email...none... the OHS page at myspace is dead...

I need a distraction but don't know exactly what I need... I know what I want but I can't have it... only the memories of it are left.

Maybe if the sun returns to my day, I can find a way to get through this grief.

Reunion Ramble

Can't remember if I've blogged about the reunion of late. I had put things on hold during November and December. With Thomas dying, we had decided to move things up to April. That means that I need to get my ass in gear about the plans...

I know I'v written about my fair-weather friend Bon who said she would help me with planning. She has shown no interest in the menu, finding classmates (except those she liked) or the memory table, etc. She wanted to concentrate on the decorations and getting Bryan (who owns a bakery) to make a cake. With her lack of self-esteem, I tried to include her in all the decisions. We had several meetings in Sept and Oct. I asked her to check out DJ's or other entertainment options...but she hasn't. She wanted to have a bio of each classmate in the program booklet. I told her to write out the questionairre..she hasn't.

I think back in September, she got upset with me because Bryan mentioned to her that I was planning the reunion. So she called me up, upset over the fact that he didn't seem to know that she was helping me. I had told him but he must have forgotten. I spent over an hour reassuring her that she was on board and pointed out all the times I called her to ask her opinion, etc. After much fluff, she calmed down.

Then in Dec... she suddenly got on the reunion bandwagon, taking it upon herself to ask various classmates to do this and that... based on a date she thought I had set in March (I was batting around different dates and still haven't really settled on one yet)... instead of contacting her with the information, they called me. I was sorta surprised that they had been asked to do these things but was glad they had. So she gets mad that they contacted me instead of her, and accused me of trying to do all the planning and not letting her do things. She went as far as to tell Donna, one of my other close friends that "I" was the one who was helping HER plan the reunion and that she could plan it by herself. I almost took her up on it but Donna talked me out of it.

So I let it ride and reminded myself that Bon is flaky and her self-esteem sometimes knocks her down... that I should just ignore this.

A day or so after New Years, she calls me up and tells me that she needs to talk and that she doesn't want me to say anything. For me not to get upset over anything she has to say...when I tried to comment, she overrode me with "LET ME TALK!" and so I did. I sat quietly while she went from one self-doubting comment to the next... and held my tongue when she said, "You aren't including me in any of the reunion planning. You've got Phillip and Keith and other people doing things for you. You don't need me. I don't even know if I'm going to go to the reunion or not."

She said some more things...but the fire within me burned the rest of her comments up. I didn't say what I wanted to say... Which was "You're the one who got Keith involved in checking on places to rent, etc. All I ever asked anyone to do was to find people.. Phillip got one address for me, Keith got 3 and Angela M has gotten 5... Charles M has found 3 and so on. I've asked you to check on DJ's. Have you? It was your idea to do a bio of classmates. Have you worked on that?" And so on... but I didn't.

Since then I've been silently fuming and today I thought...what the hell! No matter what I do to include her in my planning, it's gonna backfire on me. She's going to continue to complain to others about me not letting her do things...all for attention. Even if I stood on my head and chanted "Bonnie is the queen of the reunion." over and over...it wouldn't help change the fact that what Bonnie wants is the attention that goes with planning something...she wants people to contact HER about things... back in our High School days, she never quite fit in with the popular group...and oh how she wanted to be in. To her those days were her golden ones...and even to this day she's still trying to impress classmates... but her reputation hasn't helped things..and I don't think the glory that she thinks she'll get from a perfectly planned reunion will change that either.

So today, I called Donna and told her to call a couple of people who have offerred to help me. I've called a few others and we are going to go to dinner and I'll bounce off my plans and see what they think. I'll include Bonnie. She won't like that I've asked others to join in. But you how what...it's not only mine and Bon's reunion... it's The Class of 81's reunion...and I think other voices should have an input.

I'll have the final say...and am not worrying about them taking over...they don't want that job. Bonnie might covet it...but if given the reins, she would decline them.

Mice

New Year's Eve was a quiet one for the most part. Al & I went over to my friend Michele's house for a while. She had a few people over. We ate some goodies and talked. Her teenaged son Sef and his friends popped by for a while before heading on unknown adventures.

He showed us one of those humane mouse traps. It seems Michele has a few mice popping in and out and instead of the usual snap & crush trap, she chose a humane one that traps the little rodent until you release it back into the wild world of your back yard.

I wanted to see the mouse but was afraid Sef would put it on me, so I squished that urge. We were sitting at the kitchen table by the sliding glass door. Sef promptly opens the door and tries to toss the mouse in the back yard. It escapes and lands in a bunch of flower pots beside the table that houses overgrown greenery, a prime place to hide. I tucked my feet under me. No way was a mouse gonna run up my pant leg.

Amid the mad rush of teens trying to catch a mouse with their hands, Al touched Michele's arm and said, "Let me get this straight...you trap the mouse and then release it out the back door?"

She said, "Yes. I've caught about 12 little mice this way. I hate killing them."

He laughed. "You do realize that the mice are probably imediately coming back into the house? You're most likely catching the same mouse."

She didn't say anything. Just looked confused for a moment. I let out a huge laugh and said, "Hey, you should put some kind of mark on their backs to see if they return."

"You think I should paint them yellow, Sherrie?" asked Michele with a laugh. We totally lost it. No one else was laughing, just M &I. Later after we got home Al said, "I can see why like Michele so much. She's as silly as you are. I can see you doing the same thing with the mouse trap. Catching one and then tossing it right out the back door."

No way.. I'm a snap & crush kinda gal!

A new Year

I'm better today-both physcially and emotionally. The raw grief of losing Teez has dulled a little. I think because I realize he is still living inside me. Yes I've lost the physical person but the essence of Teez will always be with me. He and I had something so rare and special. That won't die ever... but I'm gonna learn to live with it and still find the love I deserve and continue to live like he wanted me to.

Every day I talk to him. I think of scenes from the times we were together and clips of our many converstaions. I smile, I laugh...I cry a little inside but mainly I embrace all that he gave me. He was one amazing man and I know there isn't another like him. I won't be looking for a clone...and if it's meant to be, there will be another love as great in its own way as the one Teez and I have.

I've decided to start a private blog--a place to write about Teez and I. To get my mind and heart in order, so I can continue my journey alone. My life goes on, even as his doesn't. I can't stop living. Yet I can't move on without putting some sense to this loss and the questions I have about why it had to be so short.

Once I find these answers, then I'll tackle the novel I wrote and give our story the ending it should have had... the ending both of us wanted with each breath we breathed together. This story ...so special, if only to Teez and me...deserves to be told as it should have been.