Been fighting a sinus headache all day and now night. Sipping some chamomile tea with a few drops of lemon added. It's hot and soothing.
Things have been a bit hectic. Work mainly. I think I am better emotionally regarding Tz and even Al. Things will be what they will. I must confess though that Tz has done his best to soothe my worries about us. He tells me not to distress, because great days await and when they do happen...then I should watch out. It dawned on me the other night that he isn't really pushing me away, he's pushing the passion aside so that he won't trip a heart attack. Then once his heart surgery is finished and he's mended...we'll be back to the passionate beings we are ... though dormant at the moment. I can wait. I am the most patient woman in the world.
As for Al...we'll slowly dissolve because I've always been the glue that works at holding us together. Time will solve this issue.
William is on the A/B honor roll and does 80% of his homework on his own. I must say he's growing up and is into the tween thing. He's left Harry Potter behind and is now a huge Indiana Jones fan. At night our stories are about "Indiana William." I have to make up adventures about running, jumping, defying death. Ben has been slowly catching up on his reading. His report card had improved muchly but he is still behind in many areas. My sister has been working with him more than I have. Funny how she takes the time to help Ben with his homework but when William was that age, I was the one she asked to work with him. But then again, I believe that I've helped him come along ways in regards to his school work, so I'm not truly complaining.
Been spending a lot of my time at myspace. My OHS page is really active. Some of my classmates and I like to goof off in the comment section. Lately it's been the girls against the guys and GIRLS RULE. I think that when we do have the reunion that those of us on the page will automatically clump together because the ice is broken and we've learned to joke around with each other. I'm hoping that's the way it will be.
I hope that everyone who reads me is doing ok. My 08 novel is slowly going up on the blog at my website. There is a link on the homepage. It's almost autobiographical. I may have to change that later.
Take care.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
apples
I dropped in the IGA on Bragg Blvd last night. Al had left some cash for me to go and pick some stuff up for him. While I was out I forgot to do it. Usually I drop in there on Sunday's before church lets out... last night was the first time I had ever gone at night...it was around 6:30 or so...
The place was almost deserted. I found a park right in front of the door, which never ever happens. I got a shopping cart, made sure my purse was zipped and decided to go from end to end because Al's list was in my head and my head sometimes refuses to recite things properly.
I went down two aisles and encountered a black lady with two kids, a really fat girl of about 8 who was busy trying to inhale chocolate peanuts through their plastic wrap and a boy who was maybe 4. He was busy eating a bright red apple. I smiled at him because he had on a red sweatshirt and the apple was the same exact color.
Didn't get far when I noticed the boy was running around the aisle in an erratic fashion. Something about it was familiar but I kept doing my thing. On the next aisle I saw him again...alone, eating his apple. I started to speak to him but the words froze in my throat. The boy was austic. I saw the vacant look and realized I knew it. William, the oldest used to have that look, used to run around like that and... I felt a kinship with this child. A sorrow for the mother who was probably my age...
I pointed the boy in the direction of his mother who was frantically calling his name..."Jamal....Jamal". I said, "Go." When William used to be like the boy I found that simple instructions worked the best. He went running to her.
A few aisles over I accidentally knocked down some paper towels and was bending over and putting them back in place. Jamal appeared again. We were eye-level and I smiled at him. He looked at me and offered me some gnawed apple. I saw him. I saw a flash of the boy locked inside and I felt a rise in my heart. I pretended to bite the apple and he laughed. Then I pointed him in the direction of his mom...and once again said "Go."
We played the "Go" game all through the grocery store. But that was the only time I saw the boy within during the aisle games. At the check-out I stood waiting and suddenly he appeared with the apple core and a bag of candy. He showed me both. I pointed at his mother and he trotted back over. She was two checkouts away. She looked at me and said, "He has autism and is everywhere. I usually have someone watch him when I have to go out but no one could tonight."
I said, "He's little Jamal Apple-seed and a very special boy." My heart was full of things to say but we had to check out. Then I heard a bunch of laughter from the register that the lady was at. Jamal was holding out the apple core for the lady to ring up. He was there once again... shining from the inside. Then he was gone. He kept running to the door but didn't go out.
After I got my bags, I went outside and stopped outside the door. A voice said, "Little apple boy is going to make a break." I was right. The automatic doors opened and he flew out. I stopped him and offered my hand to him. He took my hand and his was sticky from eating the apple. I could smell apple and we waited for his mom to come out. She did in a flutter of plastic bags.
"You are an angel," she said when she saw us standing there, so patiently. I said," He's a special boy. I didn't want him to get hurt or someone grab him." We walked to her car and I helped her get him in his seat. I leaned over and kissed his head but he didn't notice. He found a piece of paper to play with. His mother and I put the bags in her truck and I wanted to say so much but really didn't know where to start.
I had been there before and I knew the road ahead of her was going to be tough but with love and paitence and damn determination, he could be unlocked. So I said, "Inside his autism, a boy is waiting to be released. Have the courage to find the key that will unlock him."
I don't know if she understood. I hope she did. There's a wealth of apple seeds inside the core of that child. I just hope and pray that somehow the seeds will be released and he'll rain big juicy red apples on the world.
The place was almost deserted. I found a park right in front of the door, which never ever happens. I got a shopping cart, made sure my purse was zipped and decided to go from end to end because Al's list was in my head and my head sometimes refuses to recite things properly.
I went down two aisles and encountered a black lady with two kids, a really fat girl of about 8 who was busy trying to inhale chocolate peanuts through their plastic wrap and a boy who was maybe 4. He was busy eating a bright red apple. I smiled at him because he had on a red sweatshirt and the apple was the same exact color.
Didn't get far when I noticed the boy was running around the aisle in an erratic fashion. Something about it was familiar but I kept doing my thing. On the next aisle I saw him again...alone, eating his apple. I started to speak to him but the words froze in my throat. The boy was austic. I saw the vacant look and realized I knew it. William, the oldest used to have that look, used to run around like that and... I felt a kinship with this child. A sorrow for the mother who was probably my age...
I pointed the boy in the direction of his mother who was frantically calling his name..."Jamal....Jamal". I said, "Go." When William used to be like the boy I found that simple instructions worked the best. He went running to her.
A few aisles over I accidentally knocked down some paper towels and was bending over and putting them back in place. Jamal appeared again. We were eye-level and I smiled at him. He looked at me and offered me some gnawed apple. I saw him. I saw a flash of the boy locked inside and I felt a rise in my heart. I pretended to bite the apple and he laughed. Then I pointed him in the direction of his mom...and once again said "Go."
We played the "Go" game all through the grocery store. But that was the only time I saw the boy within during the aisle games. At the check-out I stood waiting and suddenly he appeared with the apple core and a bag of candy. He showed me both. I pointed at his mother and he trotted back over. She was two checkouts away. She looked at me and said, "He has autism and is everywhere. I usually have someone watch him when I have to go out but no one could tonight."
I said, "He's little Jamal Apple-seed and a very special boy." My heart was full of things to say but we had to check out. Then I heard a bunch of laughter from the register that the lady was at. Jamal was holding out the apple core for the lady to ring up. He was there once again... shining from the inside. Then he was gone. He kept running to the door but didn't go out.
After I got my bags, I went outside and stopped outside the door. A voice said, "Little apple boy is going to make a break." I was right. The automatic doors opened and he flew out. I stopped him and offered my hand to him. He took my hand and his was sticky from eating the apple. I could smell apple and we waited for his mom to come out. She did in a flutter of plastic bags.
"You are an angel," she said when she saw us standing there, so patiently. I said," He's a special boy. I didn't want him to get hurt or someone grab him." We walked to her car and I helped her get him in his seat. I leaned over and kissed his head but he didn't notice. He found a piece of paper to play with. His mother and I put the bags in her truck and I wanted to say so much but really didn't know where to start.
I had been there before and I knew the road ahead of her was going to be tough but with love and paitence and damn determination, he could be unlocked. So I said, "Inside his autism, a boy is waiting to be released. Have the courage to find the key that will unlock him."
I don't know if she understood. I hope she did. There's a wealth of apple seeds inside the core of that child. I just hope and pray that somehow the seeds will be released and he'll rain big juicy red apples on the world.
Breathing and Living
Things are better. I think that Tz tried to put a block between us but realized he couldn't...we still aren't 'done' as he puts it. This morning I had an email from him... he wrote "Maybe I'll talk to you today? My heart of hearts desires it so."
Yesterday we talked for an hour and he sounded stronger... he starts radiation/chemo this upcoming Monday... he says that once he sees how it goes, he'll decide when I should come visit.
I'm patient... I can wait.
Yesterday we talked for an hour and he sounded stronger... he starts radiation/chemo this upcoming Monday... he says that once he sees how it goes, he'll decide when I should come visit.
I'm patient... I can wait.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
oh well...
Tz is out of the hospital. He got home yesterday. We talked for a while at around 5 pm and he said that our intimacy won't go on...aka sex, because he's afraid he'll have a heart attack...at least until he has his valve surgery and who knows when that will be.
I noticed a withdrawal from him in ways... I guess he's protecting himself by putting a blanket between us. My heart aches so much. Since I'm writing 'our' story all the intensity of us is still so fresh and vivid. I can't write on it right now..and I need to if I am going to finish it by Nov 30. But the memories I'm reliving are so strong and so happy. But my heart isn't.
There is a hole in my soul.
I can't even finish writing the blog post...
sorry.
I noticed a withdrawal from him in ways... I guess he's protecting himself by putting a blanket between us. My heart aches so much. Since I'm writing 'our' story all the intensity of us is still so fresh and vivid. I can't write on it right now..and I need to if I am going to finish it by Nov 30. But the memories I'm reliving are so strong and so happy. But my heart isn't.
There is a hole in my soul.
I can't even finish writing the blog post...
sorry.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I thought....
...that I had something profound to say but I don't! It was there and then...puff...gone!
I was told last night by a very old friend that I was like an bottomless Pitcher... when it came to caring about people...and that I should make sure that whoever I decide to care about should be an endless mug, because when I pour out 'sherrie' it is everlasting, flows for an eternity & thus endless and there would be a deep sorrow if I overflowed from a standard mug, spilling even one drop!
Hmm...maybe I did have something profound to say after all.
I was told last night by a very old friend that I was like an bottomless Pitcher... when it came to caring about people...and that I should make sure that whoever I decide to care about should be an endless mug, because when I pour out 'sherrie' it is everlasting, flows for an eternity & thus endless and there would be a deep sorrow if I overflowed from a standard mug, spilling even one drop!
Hmm...maybe I did have something profound to say after all.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Today
No one on our block is open except us! I should be getting a lot of work done but I'm not. Not feeling the best today...and for some reason the PC is a little slow. Guess I should clean out the files.
Tz may be out of the hospital by tomorrow. He was hoping he could go home today when I talked to him this morning. I haven't taken the time to call since then. May just wait to hear from him when he gets in. Yesterday was his birthday and I don't think he had any visitors other than the girl he dates. She works there and dropped by after she got off and stayed for about 20 mins. I wish I had known he was going to be alone. I would have taken the day off and spent it with him.
But I plan to drop by when he's ready for me once he gets home and back into his routine. Not sure when Radiation/Chemo will start, so we'll play it by ear. At least he's better and stronger than a week ago.
Had an ok weekend with Al. He didn't have a lot to say and spent Sunday on the golf course. When he got back, we had dinner and after dinner I made small talk and told a few jokes. He accused me of drinking!!! I hadn't had a beer or anything...was just being ME...like I always am. Witty and laughing. It hurt my feelings that he assumed I was drinking because I made some corny jokes! I told him he needs to lighten up some and that if we stay 'starched' I'm done with us.
How can one person change so much in 10 months??? Am I crazy to continue to be with him...I did promise to give it to the first of the year but... is this the way it will be until then? I wonder if he even realizes how different he's become... how remote for US he's acting!
I just want to be happy... yet I can't seem to give up on Al.
Tz may be out of the hospital by tomorrow. He was hoping he could go home today when I talked to him this morning. I haven't taken the time to call since then. May just wait to hear from him when he gets in. Yesterday was his birthday and I don't think he had any visitors other than the girl he dates. She works there and dropped by after she got off and stayed for about 20 mins. I wish I had known he was going to be alone. I would have taken the day off and spent it with him.
But I plan to drop by when he's ready for me once he gets home and back into his routine. Not sure when Radiation/Chemo will start, so we'll play it by ear. At least he's better and stronger than a week ago.
Had an ok weekend with Al. He didn't have a lot to say and spent Sunday on the golf course. When he got back, we had dinner and after dinner I made small talk and told a few jokes. He accused me of drinking!!! I hadn't had a beer or anything...was just being ME...like I always am. Witty and laughing. It hurt my feelings that he assumed I was drinking because I made some corny jokes! I told him he needs to lighten up some and that if we stay 'starched' I'm done with us.
How can one person change so much in 10 months??? Am I crazy to continue to be with him...I did promise to give it to the first of the year but... is this the way it will be until then? I wonder if he even realizes how different he's become... how remote for US he's acting!
I just want to be happy... yet I can't seem to give up on Al.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
From the Heart
From the Heart (A long blog post) (reposted from myspace)
Once again I sit in front of the monitor with fingers tapping out letters forming words, then sentences and finally paragraphs. And I have no idea where this blog post is going to lead me... well, that's not true, I have an idea but getting it out here...is another thing.
I confess that sometimes I take the long road in expressing myself when most people would probably hit the express lane.
I'm listening to Great White's "Rock Me." Good song...reminds me of G-vegas in the mid-late 80's and all the crazy times I had at the Attic, Susie's Treehouse and Rafters...I had fun at other bars but these three places Rocked...me.
The Attic... Al's cousin Dennis was once a Roadie for Doc Holiday (a band that played at the Attic often). He told me a funny story about how Doc H had played at a bar in Raleigh a week before doing the Attic and the owner of the Raleigh Bar gave the Roadies some free T-shirts. They set up for the Attic concert earlier in day and that night they are all wearing their free Tees ..but Tom (I think that was his name) the owner of the Attic won't let them in because he felt they were advertising for another bar (which really wasn't in competition with the Attic since it's in a different TOWN). So Dennis and the other Roadies go outside, take off all their clothes and try to re-enter the Attic. LOL... man I'm so glad I didn't see that!...and no they weren't admitted.
There were some great acts at the Attic. Kixx...totally rocked. I was front stage (and had to fight to keep it) and the guitarist let me fondle his leg from toe to upper and I mean upper thigh... lol. When that happened, my roommate Jeri sent some muscle guy to remove me from proceding further and getting kicked out. Now, I wasn't too happy then but now...I'm glad she used her muscle to keep me in line. Then there was Vixen, the heavy metal one hit wonder chicks..they rocked. I remember Greg Allman playing there and he got lost on the street in front of Rafters during his break, he was Totally fubar! If I have to explain that one..
Susie's Treehouse deserves a blog post of it's own. I'll have to remind myself to make some whiskey sours and write... and Rafters...what can I say. I knew the most popular oldies DJ when he was the grand master metal mixer in Rafters during the wicked 80's.
Now "Cumbersome" is playing... Three William Mary. A local metal band from the 90's (KatDaddy's Fishhouse) did a great cover of this song. I used to direct the guitarist in our church's children's choir during the late 70's. LOL..see what kind of influence I have on young minds.
"Every Rose has its thorn" by Poison is on...my middle name is Rose, btw and yes I have thorns.
For the last week, I've been thinking a lot on hearts of the matter. Or is that matters of the heart... I forget!
Since I started looking for classmates back in August, I've looked inside my year books on and off... and now.."Always and Forever" is playing... how appropriate... anyway...Sorry I have to stop and sing-along...bare with me...
Turned the playlist off when it finished, so I won't go down every off-beaten musical path I hear...
But getting back to my ramble...one of my online pals asked if I planned to reconnect with any crushes I had during my school years. Well, I laughed out loud for real when I read that email. I think I had one secret crush but it wasn't so bad that I pined away for an eternity. So no...there are no past crushes I plan to rekindle.
But her email got me to thinking about my past love issues and how that maybe if I had of had a bunch of broken high school flings, I might not have been so heartbroken the first time I really fell hard in love with a bouncer at one of the G-vegas clubs in 1985! During the years before that, I always guarded my heart and never let myself get too attached to any guy. I dated guys that were sorta vain and easily distracted by bright shiny objects until I met this bright shiny object in the form of a tall blonde giant...and fell helplessly in love at the first hello.
We flirted for months...until he asked me out on my golden birthday--Oct. 23, 1985 (I was turning 23). It was a magical night...and for the first time in a long time I let my heart and my body tumble head-over-heels. He seemed to be as smitten as I was...and we dated for over a month. When you're in love you can ignore the warning signs of things not quite right...at least that's my excuse. He wasn't always available for me to see..and I chalked it up to working late at night.
Finally right before Christmas, he told me the truth...he was involved with another girl and had been dating her for 2 years! Shockingly I was the other woman...and I was crushed. And promptly stopped seeing him, even as my heart broke into thousands of pieces. It took me years to get over him... I think in part because he was the first guy I said "I love you" to...and truly meant it.
From him, I learned that love may be blind but don't let it be stupid too!
After this broken affair, I dated on and off... was stalked and that made me very cautious of men...but on the bright side, had a great friendship with benefits with a special guy who never noticed the Playgirl centerfolds tacked above my bed...lol...
Sadly all things have to end and so did this...once I moved back home from Greenville in Dec. 1988. Then in Feb 1989, I ran into a guy who was two years ahead of me in high school. You know...I didn't like him then and why I let myself be lead by the nose into a relationship with him for 6 years is still beyond me. I think I was under the assumption that at 26, I need to settle down with someone, get married and have babies and a station wagon or something...maybe a dog...oh and some tuperware.
When I think of this relationship, I don't feel anything, except Indifference! I truly believe that indifference is worse that hate, because with hate you feel something!
Within 3 months, we said I love you. And an engagement ring followed...so did the problems. I stuck with him, because I made a commitment of the heart. A solemn vow that I refused to break. During his drug problems, I kept thinking...if we were married we would work this out...and thought the same when he started cheating on me during our last 2 years together. I spent 6 years with this man, thinking that my love would conquer all our problems.
I was so terribly wrong. There's a full line for all of us... we take and take and once that line is flooded, we are able to say "ENOUGH." That's what I did with him... and ended things for good. My parting words were... "One day ...maybe not tomorrow or next week...or even a month from now, but one day you'll be on your knees before me, crying and begging me to come back to you. Because I'm the best thing that has and will ever happen to you."
Five months later my forecast came true. And that's when I felt my first sample of Indifference! From this relationship, I learned that one person's love can't 'fix' a damn thing in a relationship, if the other person isn't willing to work too.
A few months later, I met Al. We danced and flames flew around us. He was my first real whirlwind, my first meeting of mind/body/soul... we connected on a mental level that was above any relationship I had ever had. We sat for hours talking...or driving down country roads talking...we shared visions and laughter. And a year later, I knew I was deeply and passionately in love with him. I thought ...finally my Prince has come.
But there's a dark side to this...the demons he kept close to his heart and the liquor that soothed them. For 5 years, I fought to win over the demons and lost... I was drowning in them just as he was. Only I was his rock...the one he clung to in the rapids of life. And eventually it was too much. I had to break things off or my soul would die.
It was difficult to say goodbye, because we both still loved each other so much. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices of the heart in order to live the next day.
From Al, I learned that you can still go on living without that person you so deeply love. It's possible to let go...now it might be painful but it won't kill you unless you allow it to.
About a year after Al and I broke up, I met a guy I really wasn't impressed with. He had tanned ankles. For some reason a guy who wears loafers without socks and has tanned ankles turns me off! But he was impressed with me and kept calling me at work until I finally gave out my home number. When he called that night, we had fun talking for over 3 hours. We fell into a phone relationship (for 6 months until he finally got the nerve to take me out--yes, I'm a patient gal) because he worked out of town most of the time and actually lived in Charleston SC. I didn't mind. Truth be told I wasn't ready for a serious relationship.
This guy killed me though... he would talk himself out of dates with me because he thought I was too much fun to be around and he had teen-aged sons whom he wanted to spend time with... He would say things like "Dammit, you're too cool. Now I want to spend all my free time with you but I can't. My sons need me." And I would say "Stop thinking beyond the moment. Just go with the flow and see what happens." But he didn't. He couldn't. I knew it wouldn't last with him...he was too wishy washy about the possibility of a serious relationship--one he wanted yet couldn't bring himself to have.
There's no hard feelings on my part. When I think of him I wonder about all the possible wonderful relationships he's talked himself out of and if now that his sons are grown, has he allowed himself the joys of letting someone in his heart.
With this guy I learned that you can't force someone to like you, much less love you and am glad I never tried... another thing I learned was that it was okay NOT to know where an affection for someone was headed...to let it just be.
I dated a few others... and have no regrets of the time I spent and can actually say I made some great friends during these years.
Then Al shows up again in my life in Dec 2005...6 years after we broke up and the chemistry we shared was still so vivid and undeniable...so I fall back into his arms. For about 6 months things were the best ever. He had stopped drinking, battled and won the war over his demons and was working to have things..for us. There was talk of marriage ...of the real life possibility of it. Then things were shot down by a car wreck he was in, his health (prostate issues/diverticulitous) and the loss of his job due to the business closing.
I stuck by him and kept thinking... if we were married I would still be here. Funny how you can fall back into old habits... and so... I have stayed. Back in Feb, he got a great paying job and has been very successful but...he's driven to make money now...and I realize that he's not the same carefree man I once loved. Maybe I was in love with the drinking fun Al...who I was around for five years the first time around...and the fun Al was there when we rekindled the romance...but he's gone now. There's little laughter between us....and I thrive on laughter--my soul needs it.
Another stone tossed in is his religious beliefs... he's become a devout born again Christian who considers intimacy a sin. Tell that to a hot-blooded Scorpio woman!
So another ending is beginning to begin after almost 3 years of being back together...and I still can't walk away from it...from the love we once had...from the dreams I once clung too...
I don't know what lesson I've learned this time around...I guess I'll know once the tale's been told...
But I will say this much...recently I've realized through an awakening of my body/soul/mind and spirit that when you are touched in all those areas...when you find a connection that lifts you...embraces you and soothes you, while inspiring you and giving you so much joy...that there is no greater freedom of the heart than this...that it's not meant to be caged or labeled or placed on a pedestal...but to be stroked, to be enjoyed and validated as only two connected souls can...while it is there ...existing within...
that it's okay to have matters of the heart that matter to the heart...without the labels and bindings so many fall into, only to lose it...forever.
Once again I sit in front of the monitor with fingers tapping out letters forming words, then sentences and finally paragraphs. And I have no idea where this blog post is going to lead me... well, that's not true, I have an idea but getting it out here...is another thing.
I confess that sometimes I take the long road in expressing myself when most people would probably hit the express lane.
I'm listening to Great White's "Rock Me." Good song...reminds me of G-vegas in the mid-late 80's and all the crazy times I had at the Attic, Susie's Treehouse and Rafters...I had fun at other bars but these three places Rocked...me.
The Attic... Al's cousin Dennis was once a Roadie for Doc Holiday (a band that played at the Attic often). He told me a funny story about how Doc H had played at a bar in Raleigh a week before doing the Attic and the owner of the Raleigh Bar gave the Roadies some free T-shirts. They set up for the Attic concert earlier in day and that night they are all wearing their free Tees ..but Tom (I think that was his name) the owner of the Attic won't let them in because he felt they were advertising for another bar (which really wasn't in competition with the Attic since it's in a different TOWN). So Dennis and the other Roadies go outside, take off all their clothes and try to re-enter the Attic. LOL... man I'm so glad I didn't see that!...and no they weren't admitted.
There were some great acts at the Attic. Kixx...totally rocked. I was front stage (and had to fight to keep it) and the guitarist let me fondle his leg from toe to upper and I mean upper thigh... lol. When that happened, my roommate Jeri sent some muscle guy to remove me from proceding further and getting kicked out. Now, I wasn't too happy then but now...I'm glad she used her muscle to keep me in line. Then there was Vixen, the heavy metal one hit wonder chicks..they rocked. I remember Greg Allman playing there and he got lost on the street in front of Rafters during his break, he was Totally fubar! If I have to explain that one..
Susie's Treehouse deserves a blog post of it's own. I'll have to remind myself to make some whiskey sours and write... and Rafters...what can I say. I knew the most popular oldies DJ when he was the grand master metal mixer in Rafters during the wicked 80's.
Now "Cumbersome" is playing... Three William Mary. A local metal band from the 90's (KatDaddy's Fishhouse) did a great cover of this song. I used to direct the guitarist in our church's children's choir during the late 70's. LOL..see what kind of influence I have on young minds.
"Every Rose has its thorn" by Poison is on...my middle name is Rose, btw and yes I have thorns.
For the last week, I've been thinking a lot on hearts of the matter. Or is that matters of the heart... I forget!
Since I started looking for classmates back in August, I've looked inside my year books on and off... and now.."Always and Forever" is playing... how appropriate... anyway...Sorry I have to stop and sing-along...bare with me...
Turned the playlist off when it finished, so I won't go down every off-beaten musical path I hear...
But getting back to my ramble...one of my online pals asked if I planned to reconnect with any crushes I had during my school years. Well, I laughed out loud for real when I read that email. I think I had one secret crush but it wasn't so bad that I pined away for an eternity. So no...there are no past crushes I plan to rekindle.
But her email got me to thinking about my past love issues and how that maybe if I had of had a bunch of broken high school flings, I might not have been so heartbroken the first time I really fell hard in love with a bouncer at one of the G-vegas clubs in 1985! During the years before that, I always guarded my heart and never let myself get too attached to any guy. I dated guys that were sorta vain and easily distracted by bright shiny objects until I met this bright shiny object in the form of a tall blonde giant...and fell helplessly in love at the first hello.
We flirted for months...until he asked me out on my golden birthday--Oct. 23, 1985 (I was turning 23). It was a magical night...and for the first time in a long time I let my heart and my body tumble head-over-heels. He seemed to be as smitten as I was...and we dated for over a month. When you're in love you can ignore the warning signs of things not quite right...at least that's my excuse. He wasn't always available for me to see..and I chalked it up to working late at night.
Finally right before Christmas, he told me the truth...he was involved with another girl and had been dating her for 2 years! Shockingly I was the other woman...and I was crushed. And promptly stopped seeing him, even as my heart broke into thousands of pieces. It took me years to get over him... I think in part because he was the first guy I said "I love you" to...and truly meant it.
From him, I learned that love may be blind but don't let it be stupid too!
After this broken affair, I dated on and off... was stalked and that made me very cautious of men...but on the bright side, had a great friendship with benefits with a special guy who never noticed the Playgirl centerfolds tacked above my bed...lol...
Sadly all things have to end and so did this...once I moved back home from Greenville in Dec. 1988. Then in Feb 1989, I ran into a guy who was two years ahead of me in high school. You know...I didn't like him then and why I let myself be lead by the nose into a relationship with him for 6 years is still beyond me. I think I was under the assumption that at 26, I need to settle down with someone, get married and have babies and a station wagon or something...maybe a dog...oh and some tuperware.
When I think of this relationship, I don't feel anything, except Indifference! I truly believe that indifference is worse that hate, because with hate you feel something!
Within 3 months, we said I love you. And an engagement ring followed...so did the problems. I stuck with him, because I made a commitment of the heart. A solemn vow that I refused to break. During his drug problems, I kept thinking...if we were married we would work this out...and thought the same when he started cheating on me during our last 2 years together. I spent 6 years with this man, thinking that my love would conquer all our problems.
I was so terribly wrong. There's a full line for all of us... we take and take and once that line is flooded, we are able to say "ENOUGH." That's what I did with him... and ended things for good. My parting words were... "One day ...maybe not tomorrow or next week...or even a month from now, but one day you'll be on your knees before me, crying and begging me to come back to you. Because I'm the best thing that has and will ever happen to you."
Five months later my forecast came true. And that's when I felt my first sample of Indifference! From this relationship, I learned that one person's love can't 'fix' a damn thing in a relationship, if the other person isn't willing to work too.
A few months later, I met Al. We danced and flames flew around us. He was my first real whirlwind, my first meeting of mind/body/soul... we connected on a mental level that was above any relationship I had ever had. We sat for hours talking...or driving down country roads talking...we shared visions and laughter. And a year later, I knew I was deeply and passionately in love with him. I thought ...finally my Prince has come.
But there's a dark side to this...the demons he kept close to his heart and the liquor that soothed them. For 5 years, I fought to win over the demons and lost... I was drowning in them just as he was. Only I was his rock...the one he clung to in the rapids of life. And eventually it was too much. I had to break things off or my soul would die.
It was difficult to say goodbye, because we both still loved each other so much. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices of the heart in order to live the next day.
From Al, I learned that you can still go on living without that person you so deeply love. It's possible to let go...now it might be painful but it won't kill you unless you allow it to.
About a year after Al and I broke up, I met a guy I really wasn't impressed with. He had tanned ankles. For some reason a guy who wears loafers without socks and has tanned ankles turns me off! But he was impressed with me and kept calling me at work until I finally gave out my home number. When he called that night, we had fun talking for over 3 hours. We fell into a phone relationship (for 6 months until he finally got the nerve to take me out--yes, I'm a patient gal) because he worked out of town most of the time and actually lived in Charleston SC. I didn't mind. Truth be told I wasn't ready for a serious relationship.
This guy killed me though... he would talk himself out of dates with me because he thought I was too much fun to be around and he had teen-aged sons whom he wanted to spend time with... He would say things like "Dammit, you're too cool. Now I want to spend all my free time with you but I can't. My sons need me." And I would say "Stop thinking beyond the moment. Just go with the flow and see what happens." But he didn't. He couldn't. I knew it wouldn't last with him...he was too wishy washy about the possibility of a serious relationship--one he wanted yet couldn't bring himself to have.
There's no hard feelings on my part. When I think of him I wonder about all the possible wonderful relationships he's talked himself out of and if now that his sons are grown, has he allowed himself the joys of letting someone in his heart.
With this guy I learned that you can't force someone to like you, much less love you and am glad I never tried... another thing I learned was that it was okay NOT to know where an affection for someone was headed...to let it just be.
I dated a few others... and have no regrets of the time I spent and can actually say I made some great friends during these years.
Then Al shows up again in my life in Dec 2005...6 years after we broke up and the chemistry we shared was still so vivid and undeniable...so I fall back into his arms. For about 6 months things were the best ever. He had stopped drinking, battled and won the war over his demons and was working to have things..for us. There was talk of marriage ...of the real life possibility of it. Then things were shot down by a car wreck he was in, his health (prostate issues/diverticulitous) and the loss of his job due to the business closing.
I stuck by him and kept thinking... if we were married I would still be here. Funny how you can fall back into old habits... and so... I have stayed. Back in Feb, he got a great paying job and has been very successful but...he's driven to make money now...and I realize that he's not the same carefree man I once loved. Maybe I was in love with the drinking fun Al...who I was around for five years the first time around...and the fun Al was there when we rekindled the romance...but he's gone now. There's little laughter between us....and I thrive on laughter--my soul needs it.
Another stone tossed in is his religious beliefs... he's become a devout born again Christian who considers intimacy a sin. Tell that to a hot-blooded Scorpio woman!
So another ending is beginning to begin after almost 3 years of being back together...and I still can't walk away from it...from the love we once had...from the dreams I once clung too...
I don't know what lesson I've learned this time around...I guess I'll know once the tale's been told...
But I will say this much...recently I've realized through an awakening of my body/soul/mind and spirit that when you are touched in all those areas...when you find a connection that lifts you...embraces you and soothes you, while inspiring you and giving you so much joy...that there is no greater freedom of the heart than this...that it's not meant to be caged or labeled or placed on a pedestal...but to be stroked, to be enjoyed and validated as only two connected souls can...while it is there ...existing within...
that it's okay to have matters of the heart that matter to the heart...without the labels and bindings so many fall into, only to lose it...forever.
Friday, November 07, 2008
And the sun shines again...
As you can see from my previous blog post, I've been an emotional wreck these past couple of weeks, worrying about Teez, worrying about our 'thing', worrying about Al and our impending split, worrying about...many things.
After work, I stopped at Big Lots. I love that place. I always find neat things there and this time I actually picked up 3 Xmas presents and 2 birthday presents and 4 stocking stuffers...all for under 30 bucks! Can't beat that!
On the way home I decided to call Thomas and see how he's doing...make it short if he's still distant. HE wasn't. I said, "Hi, Just calling to get updates on you." He said, "I'm having spaghetti for dinner." We talked about that for a moment or two, then he said, "Baby, I'm actually better today. Got great news on my culture. It was clean--no staph reported. But they found a blood clot in my shoulder so I'm taking meds for that." I said, "Great. I know that part sucks. But it's terrific that the staph infection is over."
Then he said, "I'm better today. I feel better, brighter..." My heart soared. He sounded like my Teez. So we made small talk. He gave me a rundown of his weekend plans...Sunday will be a day full of visitation from some friends and family. But he emphasized that he wanted me to keep in touch over the weekend. That it was ok if I called because he told everyone about me...not sure what he's told but he said no matter who answered the phone I was to tell them who I was and they would promptly get him. Not to fret or worry about it.
I promised I would. I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel this weekend. The monthly curse will start tomorrow or Sunday and I dread it. Plus Sunday is the 10th year anniversary of my miscarriage. It's been weighing on my mind the last few days...mainly because I've had two close friends to mention it. One said out of the blue, "I wish your baby had lived." Talk about a stab ot my heart...and the other said, "You and Al should light a candle for your lost little one." Another out of the blue comment... I guess it's weighing on their minds because it's a big milestone to pass... yet feels like it happened yesterday. Being on my period will bring back the memory of the pain. I don't know how Al will be ...he and I are not on the best of terms now, although I do try to make things light...I know the last time I mentioned the miscarriage, he made an excuse to leave the room for some odd chore. SO I know there will be no comfort from him.
During one of our long phone conversations, I found myself telling Thomas about it. He cried with me. I've never known a man who can reflect my moods at the right time and moment. He said I gave him a gift...a part of my soul...with my sorrow. And he repaid me with the pictures and tale of losing his toes and foot and eventually a leg. I stood beside him while he showed me picture after picture, saying he hadn't looked a them in many years. I felt the loss as deeply as he did. We didn't cry but I touched him during the whole viewing process and I knew he was moved that I didn't flinch or run from the horror but understood his loss and the courage it took to carry on.
This afternoon, after we talked for a good 15 mins, I told him he needed to finish his dinner but he wouldn't let me hang up ...he kept saying some of the funniest things. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Finally I said, "Thomas, stop making me laugh." He said, "But I love your laugh. It warms my soul."
Mine is warm too.
After work, I stopped at Big Lots. I love that place. I always find neat things there and this time I actually picked up 3 Xmas presents and 2 birthday presents and 4 stocking stuffers...all for under 30 bucks! Can't beat that!
On the way home I decided to call Thomas and see how he's doing...make it short if he's still distant. HE wasn't. I said, "Hi, Just calling to get updates on you." He said, "I'm having spaghetti for dinner." We talked about that for a moment or two, then he said, "Baby, I'm actually better today. Got great news on my culture. It was clean--no staph reported. But they found a blood clot in my shoulder so I'm taking meds for that." I said, "Great. I know that part sucks. But it's terrific that the staph infection is over."
Then he said, "I'm better today. I feel better, brighter..." My heart soared. He sounded like my Teez. So we made small talk. He gave me a rundown of his weekend plans...Sunday will be a day full of visitation from some friends and family. But he emphasized that he wanted me to keep in touch over the weekend. That it was ok if I called because he told everyone about me...not sure what he's told but he said no matter who answered the phone I was to tell them who I was and they would promptly get him. Not to fret or worry about it.
I promised I would. I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel this weekend. The monthly curse will start tomorrow or Sunday and I dread it. Plus Sunday is the 10th year anniversary of my miscarriage. It's been weighing on my mind the last few days...mainly because I've had two close friends to mention it. One said out of the blue, "I wish your baby had lived." Talk about a stab ot my heart...and the other said, "You and Al should light a candle for your lost little one." Another out of the blue comment... I guess it's weighing on their minds because it's a big milestone to pass... yet feels like it happened yesterday. Being on my period will bring back the memory of the pain. I don't know how Al will be ...he and I are not on the best of terms now, although I do try to make things light...I know the last time I mentioned the miscarriage, he made an excuse to leave the room for some odd chore. SO I know there will be no comfort from him.
During one of our long phone conversations, I found myself telling Thomas about it. He cried with me. I've never known a man who can reflect my moods at the right time and moment. He said I gave him a gift...a part of my soul...with my sorrow. And he repaid me with the pictures and tale of losing his toes and foot and eventually a leg. I stood beside him while he showed me picture after picture, saying he hadn't looked a them in many years. I felt the loss as deeply as he did. We didn't cry but I touched him during the whole viewing process and I knew he was moved that I didn't flinch or run from the horror but understood his loss and the courage it took to carry on.
This afternoon, after we talked for a good 15 mins, I told him he needed to finish his dinner but he wouldn't let me hang up ...he kept saying some of the funniest things. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Finally I said, "Thomas, stop making me laugh." He said, "But I love your laugh. It warms my soul."
Mine is warm too.
Bad News...
Thomas had bad news for me when I called yesterday afternoon. It seems his heart is working at 35%! They're doing tests today.
I feel so excluded from what's going on with him. When we talked or rather he talked, he had a distance in his voice that I've never heard. Then in the middle of the conversation he said that the girl he 'dates' was there and they were waiting for the cardiologist to come talk to him. I didn't know what to say to him...only that I was there if he needed me. Then he said, "I'm dealing with some strong emotions right now that I didn't count on having to deal with." We said bye and that was that!
I spent hours in an emotional torment... I realized that that I was not good at being the 'other' woman.
We spent 30 mins on the phone talking Wed night...sweet nothings and how things would get back to where they belong once he was home...
now this!
I am trying to have faith but it's difficult. I feel as if I am doomed to continuiously have love snatched away from me.
I feel so excluded from what's going on with him. When we talked or rather he talked, he had a distance in his voice that I've never heard. Then in the middle of the conversation he said that the girl he 'dates' was there and they were waiting for the cardiologist to come talk to him. I didn't know what to say to him...only that I was there if he needed me. Then he said, "I'm dealing with some strong emotions right now that I didn't count on having to deal with." We said bye and that was that!
I spent hours in an emotional torment... I realized that that I was not good at being the 'other' woman.
We spent 30 mins on the phone talking Wed night...sweet nothings and how things would get back to where they belong once he was home...
now this!
I am trying to have faith but it's difficult. I feel as if I am doomed to continuiously have love snatched away from me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
A Brighter day
Even if it is misty and gray out!
I heard from Tz today! He's still at UNC hospitals but is doing a little better. The staph infection (MRSA) has been straining his heart. He's got a lot of fluid built up and they are doing their best to battle it. He was very chipper and sounded strong. When I called his doctor was there and he asked me to hold on...I noticed he put the phone receiver where I could hear their conversation...
that was his gift to me for today... I listened and was thankful I could understand all that was said...
He told me that on Monday, his sprained wrist had a lot of fluid on it, so they numbed it and drained it...while he was alert! He said, "And I didn't scream like a girl! Not once. It hurt like hell, but I didn't go girly on them." I laughed but I think that's what he wanted... to hear me laugh.
He told me to call whenever I could...that he was a lot better but still not well enough to go home..but he planned on doing all the doctor said to do, so he could get back home.
I can breathe easy now... or rather easier. I've been writing our story and it's hard to get him off my mind. But according to him...it's 'ditto.'
Prayers work.
I heard from Tz today! He's still at UNC hospitals but is doing a little better. The staph infection (MRSA) has been straining his heart. He's got a lot of fluid built up and they are doing their best to battle it. He was very chipper and sounded strong. When I called his doctor was there and he asked me to hold on...I noticed he put the phone receiver where I could hear their conversation...
that was his gift to me for today... I listened and was thankful I could understand all that was said...
He told me that on Monday, his sprained wrist had a lot of fluid on it, so they numbed it and drained it...while he was alert! He said, "And I didn't scream like a girl! Not once. It hurt like hell, but I didn't go girly on them." I laughed but I think that's what he wanted... to hear me laugh.
He told me to call whenever I could...that he was a lot better but still not well enough to go home..but he planned on doing all the doctor said to do, so he could get back home.
I can breathe easy now... or rather easier. I've been writing our story and it's hard to get him off my mind. But according to him...it's 'ditto.'
Prayers work.
Monday, November 03, 2008
in a way.. I'm here
Last week was very busy. This week will be the same..the start of the holiday season for me.
I started on my NaNoWriMo novel Saturday... it will be about T and I...but in fiction form...there will be a lot of our exchanges woven in there. I am not sure if I will post it online or not... But I do know that once I finish it I will publish it in book form throught he createspace.com site and send him a copy...
if he's still here...
at this moment he's checking into the UNC hospital. He's got fluid building in his lungs, a dislocated shoulder and a sprained wrist...he's still weak from the MRSA bug and I fear that he's not going to get better soon. These conditions are causing him to fall behind in chemo treatments and then radation/chemo. He wanted to start the radation next week but it won't happen...not as long as he's weak like he is now.
I realized today when he called to tell me he was being admitted and for me not to worry..that he would be back soon... I realized that I love this man. I love him with a depth that I didn't know existed... this love I have... will stay with me and keep me warm, when I am missing him so much...it will remind me that although it is difficult that I am lucky to know it..to feel it beat in my heart...
and no matter what happens, it will always be with me...
so if I am quieter than normal..it's because I am praying for his survival with every free moment I have... it's because I am writing our story and am lost in the amazement of love and the way that God can put a person in your path for reasons that fail to be understood...I believe that Thomas is my reminder that life and love are so short...to hold them tight yet not smother ...to allow breathing room and to remember to thank God for the ability..the opportunity to love and to live..as if each day is your last.
I started on my NaNoWriMo novel Saturday... it will be about T and I...but in fiction form...there will be a lot of our exchanges woven in there. I am not sure if I will post it online or not... But I do know that once I finish it I will publish it in book form throught he createspace.com site and send him a copy...
if he's still here...
at this moment he's checking into the UNC hospital. He's got fluid building in his lungs, a dislocated shoulder and a sprained wrist...he's still weak from the MRSA bug and I fear that he's not going to get better soon. These conditions are causing him to fall behind in chemo treatments and then radation/chemo. He wanted to start the radation next week but it won't happen...not as long as he's weak like he is now.
I realized today when he called to tell me he was being admitted and for me not to worry..that he would be back soon... I realized that I love this man. I love him with a depth that I didn't know existed... this love I have... will stay with me and keep me warm, when I am missing him so much...it will remind me that although it is difficult that I am lucky to know it..to feel it beat in my heart...
and no matter what happens, it will always be with me...
so if I am quieter than normal..it's because I am praying for his survival with every free moment I have... it's because I am writing our story and am lost in the amazement of love and the way that God can put a person in your path for reasons that fail to be understood...I believe that Thomas is my reminder that life and love are so short...to hold them tight yet not smother ...to allow breathing room and to remember to thank God for the ability..the opportunity to love and to live..as if each day is your last.
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