Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Great music... but not the subject of this blog post.
I'm on myspace...joined because my friend Sam kept asking. He posts his poetry on there and suggested it was a good venue to promote my poetry books. He was right. I actually sell my books on occasion and have re-connected with old friends.
And a place to make new friends.
Such a PR. PR is a real estate developer in the area and I'm guessing he did a search and found my profile. He emailed and asked what kind of fun could be found in town. I sent a few suggestions. He replied with a flirt and I wondered if he knew I was in a relationship. I know it says so on my profile but that doesn't mean he saw it. He said he did and it was a shame because I was sexy and he digged older women.
I confess. I like to flirt with sexy intelligent men. Plus he confessed that he had a live-in girl friend. To me this was a safety net...one that I thought would break any fall. So began our daily flirting. It peaked during the time of Al's prostate illness, when all sex stopped for a long time. I confess, I was tempted by PR to cheat. He even stopped by to say hi and seeing him...knowing that he desired me (it was obvious--his pants held a nice 'tent'), made me realize just how much I loved Al...even if things were rocky due to his illness.
PR and I talked about meeting for a few weeks. I asked a lot of questions, mainly about his girl friend. According to him, they had a 'don't ask/don't tell' relationship. With his traveling, it was easy 'not to tell.' I asked if he cheated often and how many women did he have in different towns. According to him, he was just beginning to do this and hadn't gone through with much, other than dinner and light petting.
Yet, he had 'motel' plans mapped out for us...excuses for us to use and even had an idea of how long it would take us to f*ck. What we would do and how many condoms, he would need.
When the time came to met, I canceled. 3 times. And after the last time (in early Sept), I wrote him and told him that I loved Al. And couldn't go through with it. PR didn't email me until my birthday to give me a greeting. Then asked if I was mad. I said no. And kept the emails light...not frothy with flirting.
Today, he sent a message to me on myspace, asking what I had planned for Halloween and if I still wanted to 'f*ck sometime.' I said no... and he wrote back that he was going to Jacksonville, NC for a blowjob.
I realized he was a player then. Because I asked why go so far for sex when there's a woman at home? He wrote, "Because this chick gives good head and is worth the drive."
Ah... the truth comes out. He's done more than he let on. We had a few exchanges and he told me what he wished he had done that day he dropped by--very explicit things that I won't write here. And told me that if I need a 'break for the limp bf' or a 'stranger' f8ck, to let him know what motel and room # I'll be at and he'll be there with a hard-on.
My respect for him dropped to nil.
Back in the day, I would have went after any man I wanted regardless of whether he was single or attached. Or even if I was attached...it didn't matter. I took what I wanted. With little regrets. But now...
I can't--not with a guy I don't respect. A man who lives a double life with the woman, he allegedly loves. I love Al. He's my heart and though we're going through difficult times, I'm not going to cheat on him with some hard dick who might be handsome and rich, but has little respect for what a relationship really means.