Friday, December 16, 2005
I Opened the Door
and in walked Al.
I had a surprise visitor yesterday after 4:30. There I was diligently working away, when the door bell chimed and I looked up...to see Al saying hi to Dad. I felt my knees go to jelly and thought... damn rainy day hair. I quickly applied some lipstick and went up to the front. I haven't seen him in ages. And when he saw me, he grabbed me before I could say anything and hugged me breathless.
He looked great. He's gained some of his weight back. Doesn't have that thin unhealthy look he had a few years ago or in that photo in the paper this summer.
Al looked like the guy I feel in love with in '95. And I confess the chemistry was magnetic. So strong that I laughed and he said, "What?" But I could see by the gleam in his eyes that he knew why I laughed.
We talked for about 30 mins, catching up on news. He kept touching my hair, or grabbing my hand to hold up to his lips. I kept thinking... 'this is NOT good.' He told me to come visit him..that he would cook dinner for me like he used too and we could sit and talk, like we used too... I thought... yea we would 'talk' alright! I wanted to kiss him...to feel his arms around me...to feel the way we used to feel ...which was a feeling of being a perfect fit.
Then he totally threw a curve ball at me... when I asked about his father...he said, "I'm finally able to admit that we can't be a traditional family. We're as disfunctionally as it gets. There isn't anything I can do about it. I've asked my Dad to forgive me for all my mistakes from the past and if he can't, that's his problem. You were always right, you know Sher-Bare... you said I had to forgive myself and I have. You wouldn't believe the weight that's been lifted."
I did. I could see it.
When he finally had to leave, I realized I didn't want him to go. But I had obligations for the evening and couldn't say 'Hey, let's have dinner somewhere." The last thing he said was, "Call me. We both know you want too."
Damn him... he was right.
Since then I've been debating with myself. When I first met him, I was still a girl inside... one who believed love conquered everything. Now... I know it doesn't. There's a lot of history between Al and I... good and bad. I'm not naive to think that Al's changed completely. He's good at hiding his dark side. Plus he knows how to manipulate me.
What he doesn't know is that I'm not his old 'Sher-Bare.' I'm a strong woman, who won't stand for bull shit. I know what I want out of life, where I'm going and where I've been. My head is on straight and even if my hormones try to dick-tate me, I am still in control.
I am torn, but not in half...more like a tear at the corner of my soul. Part of me says to see Al, to have dinner with him...to put to rest these small threads of hope--that maybe we can have our old dream and live it too. So maybe I will see him...
...and then there is the part that says "Sherrie, you are too strong for him. He'll wonder where his old 'Sher-Bare' went too...and there will finally be closure to this love...the the love of a lifetime.
Whatever happens...I only know this... just because you can't be with someone...doesn't mean that the love dies.