A Quick Hello

One would think after the Xmas rush, I would have time to blog...

wrong!

Working on the Jan issue of the magazine and playing with a PC game I got for Xmas: Caesar III

Yes I'm a Roman Empire diva.

It was a nice Xmas over-all. I hope to write more later. Right now I'm working on some after Xmas orders.

Sending my love to all my readers...xxoo

Happy Holidays, etc and so forth

I was hoping that I would have time to blog about this week and the upcoming holidays but I don't. I'm so busy with work I'm going to have to work late tonight and even tomorrow night.

Maybe once things have settled down a bit, I'll be back to blog away.

If I don't, I wish all my readers a safe Holiday and a Happy New Year.

Happy Holidays, etc and so forth

I was hoping that I would have time to blog about this week and the upcoming holidays but I don't. I'm so busy with work I'm going to have to work late tonight and even tomorrow night.

Maybe once things have settled down a bit, I'll be back to blog away.

If I don't, I wish all my readers a safe Holiday and a Happy New Year.

Busy Bee...

That's me.... dropping in to post that I'm alive, just busy with Christmas orders. I've covered in them and won't be blogging until I get 80% finished...hopefully by tomorrow.


Oh yea...

Bah Humbug!

Can't think of a Nifty Title

I broke down and left a message on Al's answering machine, inviting him to my Sis's house for Christmas Eve. I sounded like a dingaling...didn't have a prepared statement so I rambled a bit. IF he shows up fine...if not, well that's his choice.

I'm not worried about falling into his trap again. I'm stronger than I've ever been.

A friend of mine who is a really talented person...should get a blog or website or myspace spot or something to promote himself... but he's too modest. My opinion is that modesty is fine and dandy but if it hinders you, it should be overcome. Self-promotion isn't bragging... unless it's overbearing!

I'm in a funk today. Wish I were anywhere but at work...but if I were at home, I would have just as much to do...where to go? I don't know... maybe to a spa someplace... yea.. that would be nice.

I Opened the Door

and in walked Al.

I had a surprise visitor yesterday after 4:30. There I was diligently working away, when the door bell chimed and I looked up...to see Al saying hi to Dad. I felt my knees go to jelly and thought... damn rainy day hair. I quickly applied some lipstick and went up to the front. I haven't seen him in ages. And when he saw me, he grabbed me before I could say anything and hugged me breathless.

He looked great. He's gained some of his weight back. Doesn't have that thin unhealthy look he had a few years ago or in that photo in the paper this summer.

Al looked like the guy I feel in love with in '95. And I confess the chemistry was magnetic. So strong that I laughed and he said, "What?" But I could see by the gleam in his eyes that he knew why I laughed.

We talked for about 30 mins, catching up on news. He kept touching my hair, or grabbing my hand to hold up to his lips. I kept thinking... 'this is NOT good.' He told me to come visit him..that he would cook dinner for me like he used too and we could sit and talk, like we used too... I thought... yea we would 'talk' alright! I wanted to kiss him...to feel his arms around me...to feel the way we used to feel ...which was a feeling of being a perfect fit.

Then he totally threw a curve ball at me... when I asked about his father...he said, "I'm finally able to admit that we can't be a traditional family. We're as disfunctionally as it gets. There isn't anything I can do about it. I've asked my Dad to forgive me for all my mistakes from the past and if he can't, that's his problem. You were always right, you know Sher-Bare... you said I had to forgive myself and I have. You wouldn't believe the weight that's been lifted."

I did. I could see it.

When he finally had to leave, I realized I didn't want him to go. But I had obligations for the evening and couldn't say 'Hey, let's have dinner somewhere." The last thing he said was, "Call me. We both know you want too."

Damn him... he was right.

Since then I've been debating with myself. When I first met him, I was still a girl inside... one who believed love conquered everything. Now... I know it doesn't. There's a lot of history between Al and I... good and bad. I'm not naive to think that Al's changed completely. He's good at hiding his dark side. Plus he knows how to manipulate me.

What he doesn't know is that I'm not his old 'Sher-Bare.' I'm a strong woman, who won't stand for bull shit. I know what I want out of life, where I'm going and where I've been. My head is on straight and even if my hormones try to dick-tate me, I am still in control.

I am torn, but not in half...more like a tear at the corner of my soul. Part of me says to see Al, to have dinner with him...to put to rest these small threads of hope--that maybe we can have our old dream and live it too. So maybe I will see him...

...and then there is the part that says "Sherrie, you are too strong for him. He'll wonder where his old 'Sher-Bare' went too...and there will finally be closure to this love...the the love of a lifetime.

Whatever happens...I only know this... just because you can't be with someone...doesn't mean that the love dies.

Rain

Brrr... it's cold rain, too. The western portion of the state is under ice. Luckily, it's not icy in my part of the state.

Been working hard as usual this time of year. Today has been a busy day of 'window shoppers'... I've always wondered why people like to get out in bad weather and go places. I had a roommate in college who used to love to test drive vehicles in the rain. Personally I prefer to get home and weather the weather, whether I want to or not.

It's very cold out. I'm sipping coffee and will pay for it later when I try to sleep. Tonight I've got to keep William for a few hours. Ben's daycare is putting on a Christmas play and it will run past William's bedtime. So it will be me and him, working on his spelling words and playing games.

Can't get into watching the overload of Christmas programs on TV this year. I don't know why...I am always the Queen of Christmas at my house, but this year I haven't been into the tv watching. I guess I'm making up for it by wrapping presents and baking in my spare time...

PS... Jo.....I'll email you my candy recipes.

Brokeback Mountain

About 3 or 4 yrs ago, someone lent me a book of short stories by Annie Proulx, who wrote "The Shipping News," which was made into a movie that had Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey starring in it. A good flick--intense and very deep...not a chick flick movie. In this book was a short story called "Brokeback Mountain." A love story between two cowboys, Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist..that span 20 yrs. Deeply moving and tragic, as all secretive forbidden affairs are. I cried rivers. When I gave the book back to my friend, I mentioned the story and her response was "I can't believe you cried over two fags."

I didn't.

I cried rivers over two star-crossed soul mates, who loved each other but weren't allowed to express it without violence from society. Even as they both married women and had children, they never lost the intensity of their love--they maintained their relationship in secret.

Something Ennis del Mar said a few times, rang a bell in my heart, "If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it." That's so true...I believe it is how I live my life. There are things that have happened that I can't fix--like losing a child, Al's drinking which lead to our breakup, my dad missing most of my childhood, my beloved stepfather's death, my nephew's autism...the list is long. How I wish I could make everything right, but I can't. I have to find a way to live and continue along my path, even if my heart is wounded, even if a part of me is missing. We all experience this...and if someone says they don't, then they're lying.

One day last week, I was at Walmart getting some photos for mom from the photo department. I dropped by the book section to see if there were any books that caught my eye. I saw an Audio Book ... "Brokeback Mountain." Now a Major Movie! On the cover there is Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. Campbell Scott reads it...I had to have it.

And I listened to it last night...and cried a river.

I read today that the movie has been nominated for Golden Globe awards. I pray that it stays true to the story--though I imagine there will be embellishment, after all it's originally a short story. I hope that people won't stay away from the movie due to homophobia... it's a love story... and one that suggests you can't control who you love... you just do and find a way to stand it.

Shopping and... the Police

Went to a party Sat night...was a nice Christmas party---lots of garland, pretty ribbons, mistletoe and too much alcohol. I stuck with the punch, since I was driving. There was a DJ. He played a good mix of music--beach, a little country, but mostly dance. The "Hens" were there and we hung out a bit. I got tired of hearing the "Scary Sherrie" stories, so I mingled outside with the smokers until my toes froze off.

The smokers were banished outdoors. I was amazed at how they battled the chilly wind to smoke a cigarette. The trouble with banishing smokers outside is that as they drink, they get louder...as they get louder, they disturb the neighbors...who in turn call the hostess to complain...who then comes outside to say "Shhhhh" in a very meek voice. Do the smokers listen? Hell no...they're stuffing their faces with food and alcohol. And they get louder... Guess who arrives?

The police... So the party broke up at midnight and I was home shortly after.

Sunday I got up early and did most of my shopping. I still have two gifts to get and I'm done...and believe me I'll be doing the happy dance.

Sunday night, I made my butterscotch candies and dipped pretzel rods in chocolate and then rolled them in nuts. Later this week I'll start my cookie baking. The following week, I'll work on cakes and a pecan pie I promised out.

I'm geared up for the holidays...

Happy Birthday to My Baby

Back in 1972, when I was just a little girl, I had a huge crush on Donny Osmond. I fantasized that we would live side-by-side on horse ranches in Montana and talk to each other at the fence that separated our ranches. We would ride our favorite horses...mine's name was Blitz and his horse's name was Sherrie (he named it afer me.). We would cook and do all kinds of fun things, like put puzzles together and watch cartoons. He would sing to me sometimes.

Such innocence...where did it go? Now if I had a chance, I would do sordid dirty nasty things to him while he sings to me. Tie him up--spread eagle on a bed and when I'm done with him, he'll sing "and they call it Puppy Loo-ooove....Oh I guess they'll never know..."

So here's to the first crush of my life... true love lasts forever...Happy Birthday Donnie Osmond... Dec, 9. 1957

A Moment to Breathe

As Usual for this time of year, things are hectic at the studio. I've got a zillion pictures to copy or restore and it's all I can do to keep up with the work, answer the phone and deal with customers who walk in.

I pulled a muscle in my right upper thigh at belly dance last night. It was our last class until Jan. So I've been hobbling around. I finally took a midol, to see if it would relax the muscle.... but instead my womb is all fluttery..haha just kidding.

Finally got around to putting ornaments on the tree last night. Mom was there too. I kept showing her ones that I had made over the years. I said, "I don't make them anymore." She said, "When you're retired, you'll be able to get back to doing your 'crafty' things."

When I'm retired!!! Hell, I want to be in Florida, sipping martinis and playing golf....or at least driving the cart.

Dad's back to his usual holidays blues and stress. He tries to speculate about the business--sets his goals at unreachable heights and gets depressed when things aren't like he thought. It's getting to the point this year, where I dread walking in the door if he's here. When he's out doing errands I can breathe. But when he walks back in that door, a black cloud forms in the air and all I can think is..."There has to be a better work environment out there somewhere."

I'm seriously considering a career move. It's something to chew over in the new year.

Other than that...life is status quo.

December's Issue

is up and away......

A Quickie

Don't cha just love quickies???

I'm covered with work and also trying to get the Dec issue of the mag ready. Writing my novel last month put me behind on the magazine and too...having a very busy weekend, didn't help.

People are bringing in photos for me to restore. The funny part is that we haven't advertized my section. And almost all say they've been referred by someone and to ask for the 'girl.' That be me!

I've got my tree up ...lights are on it but no ornaments. I'm tired at night for some reason. Could be the stress of work. So I haven't felt like putting the ornaments on. William told me last night that we had to get some on it or Santa Claus would be unhappy.

Anyway...best get back to work.

December's Here

Soon another year will be gone!

Let's see what's been going on! I am over the respiratory bug. Still a wee bit congested but it's clearing up more every day. My doctor said my white cell count was normal. Which is very encouraging.

We had some horrible rain squalls on Tuesday, enough to cause the roof to leak in several spots and bad enough for it to leak down to the first floor. I put buckets out and Dad called the landlord and told him about it. The crazy part is that at first Dad put buckets out to catch the water leaking in the back by the backdoor. I went upstairs to see how bad the leak was, because the leaks downstairs weren't droplets and was shocked to see all the wet spots. I put buckets out and thought to myself that Dad's brain must be frozen because it seems nuts to put the buckets on the first floor when its the roof that's leaking onto the second floor.

I don't think the resident ghost is too happy about the leaks. I keep hearing footsteps walking back and forth and across the floor above me. Dad says its probably echoes from people being upstairs in the buildings surrounding us, but I don't think so... when this occurred we were the only open store on our side of the street.

My belly dance instructor is having a party Sat nite. I'm excited and have a cool outfit to wear, along with a belt that has bells and other clatter things on it. I'll be shaking and shimmying my groove thing. Her husband is Military and she said she's told him to invite sexy GI's. There goes my plan to be a good girl until Christmas.

But other than that, life's ok. Busy at work and doing all kinds of Christmas Shopping. I'll be finished by next week. Then it will be a mad rush to bake cookies, candy and other goodies for my gift baskets.