Oct 08's last Thursday

This month has flown by. It's very cold here. I feel as if winter jumped in before autumn could arrive. My sister and I are alledgedly having a yard sale Saturday but I bet she opts out. I will be a bit pissed because I have a truck load of yard sale stuff I got from Al's, all ready to go.

I talked to Tz yesterday afternoon and he sounded much better. He should have been a voice-over artist, because he can rip into some of the funniest characters and go off on long dialogues. I laugh so hard at him... the last time we were together he had his wanker talking to me in a very funny voice. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, which made him laugh until he couldn't breathe. He said, "I like to make you laugh. I'm happy when you're laughing like this." When he made me laugh yesterday, I knew he was recovering. He's going to the beach with the girl he 'dates' this weekend to see his mom and step-father. I'll miss him.

He called last night at midnight. I was still up and he said, "Is it too late to call?" I said no. Then he said, "I'm not calling because I have to. I'm calling because I want to. I just woke up and thought, 'I want to say good night to Sherrie.'"

We talked for about 3 mins and I made him go back to sleep. This morning was the first time in almost a week where I had a Good Morning email from him. Little things like that make me happy.

I will probably stay home this weekend. Al has to work both days and I really don't feel like sitting at his house. Unless M calls... if she wants to get together, I'll probably go. If not...I'll start working on my novel and do some of my online class stuff. Maybe get my winter clothes down from the attic, since it will be a cold winter. At least that's my forecast...

Last night was the first time I've pulled out my Tarot cards in months. I did some readings and was surprised at how on target they were...

There are a lot of things I want to write about... Al and I declining...Tz and I uplifting...work and home life... insights into my soul...you know, things like that...

so if I am disjointed in my posts, it's because there is so much I want to release at one time...that it will be impossible to be coherent, because there's so much love and life living inside me.

November is National Novel Writing Month

National Novel Writing Month begins Saturday. I was going to write a children's book but opted out on the idea because this thing that's grown in leaps and bounds between me and Tz needs to be told. Never has anyone changed my outlook on life and love in so short a time. Our paths have crossed for a reason and like he says, "I don't know why we're here together but we have to follow it." Never has any man given me so much encouragement and believed so deeply in who I am and strives to provide what I need on all aspects of my being.

We became reaquainted while I was looking for classmates for the reunion back in early Sept. He sent me an email, informing me he might not make the reunion and to share his photos. I replied that I hope he makes it and that he still looked handsome (which was true compared to some of our classmates who hadn't aged that well.) He replied with "I see you've got your flirt on." And things went from there. Below is one of the first emails he sent about all the health issues he's dealt and is dealing with.

Just to give you a summary in a nutshell of my health issues I've dealt with in the past few years....diabetes, dialysis, kidney transplant, amputation of toes on right foot, amputation (below the knee) of left leg, lymphoma cancer survivor, and most recently (in Feb.) I was diagnosed with Stage 3 colo-rectal cancer. I am currently doing chemo with radiation to follow in about 2 1/2 months. I will do the radiation DAILY for 5 weeks... Take a deep breath as you absorb this info. The pics I sent you were of me AFTER all of this, so I'm still handsome & probably the most positive person you'll ever meet! I have to be in order to have survived this! God has me here for a reason I've yet to discover...

I was married from '96 until '06 to a wonderful woman whom I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but she suddenly wanted to re-live her 20's, so she left me.... Marriage is meant to be a "one time" thing, so I'm done with it now! LOL. Never say never huh? I've learned from it, grown from it, & no longer see it as the burden it once was on my emotions. I'm happy now & live each day as if it were my last....well, as much as I can while doing the chemo. Ya know, that stuff is pure poison!
Now you know more about me than most...share as you wish with others who ask. I do the same as a way to provide God's gift to me of inspiration!

He is fighting MRSA (the super bug) at this moment. He had it once years ago and I guess it still lies dormant in his body. This time the chemo he's taking caused it to appear again. He's very sick and weak. Yet fighting so hard to get better. His thirst for living is contagious. I refuse to think any bad thoughts and keep saying prayers that he'll get over this soon and get stronger so he can go through radiation and get it behind him. I called last night to check on him and we talked about how he was feeling. I could tell he was exhausted just from the conversation we were having but before I could say that he should rest, he said "How was your day, Baby?" His voice purred out the baby part and he sincerely wanted to know and wouldn't hang up until I gave him a brief summary. When I said goodnight and that I would talk to him tomorrow, he said, "I surely hope so, Sherrie. I want that so much."

Our future is uncertain but I won't let that stop me from taking the moments together and savoring them...running in the wind with no worries, other than the moment at hand. As controlling as I like to be about my relationships and where they are headed...this is new to me and whatever the end product is, I'm happy to have/had it!

the Sun and other celestial thingies

I have no idea what happened to the sun! It was hanging out with me this morning and I just looked out the door at work and...it's gray out! Maybe it ran away with the fork...since the moon ran away with the spoon.

My weekend wasn't bad. I had to work late Saturday. One of my clients came in with her daughter whose name is Etta. They call her "Et." I said, "Wow, I can have some fun with your name... 'Hey Et, have you et yet?"

She thought for a moment and said, "Yes... I have."

Her mom said, "Et, Miss Sherrie likes to pick on people. It usually takes me awhile before I realize she's just made a joke. So you best watch 'er."

It was fun...their visit. Et left some work for me to do for Xmas. But their late visit put me behind schedule and I didn't get to Al's house until after 6 pm. He and I had a long talk the other night, about spending quality time together. When he got in after 8:30, I was shocked that he didn't turn on the TV. We chatted about things going on...ate supper and discussed what to do the next day for my birthday. At around 10:30 pm, he turned on the TV and zoned out. I wasn't surprised... in fact I was a bit shocked he lasted 2 hours in the convo department.

Sunday was lovely day...lots of sunshine. After church, Al and I got out to experience my "Sherrie Day." He stopped at the gas station first. While he pumped up I listened to "Midnight Train to Georgia." It occurred to me that everyone should have some Pips for a day following them around. When Al returned, I said, "Al...wouldn't it be cool if everyone had their own "Pips" for a day. Everything you did they would sing about. I wouldn't mind it one bit. I can hear it now.

Me paying for gas: 'I would like twenty bucks worth of gas.'

The Pips sing: "Oh she's got gas Woo Hoo."

Or me at Walmart in the produce department. The Pips singing about my every move: 'She's fondling...the cucumbers...at Walmart.. ..Oh yea...cucumbers...at Walmart."

'Course after a couple of hours I would be ready to send them to Georgia."

Al laughed in a surprised kinda way. I think he's not sure how to relate to the humor I find in every day settings. Maybe because we spend so little time with each other...that he forgets I'm silly.

So...Al took me to lunch at Red Robin. I had another huge Killian's Red beer! And did I buzz away... we sat at a table by the wall and at one point I noticed that a huge carousel horse was on the window ledge beside us. I pointed at it and said, "Al... you're sitting under a horse's ass!" He didn't find that funny...don't know why...it had stars painted on the saddle.

So we're sitting there...waiting for our food...me fondling my big mug of beer and Al goes into his business venture(s) talk. I sighed. Even when I tried to change the subject he would return it back to his topic. I zoned out. Behind him sat a guy with a huge nose. It was the kind of nose that would intrigue any artist...like me. I couldn't stop looking at it. My eyes glazed over as I stared and I began to draw it on an imaginary canvas. Sadly my ears didn't glaze and most of Al's talk sunk in... along with my big beer.

We ended up at Barnes & Noble. Al needed to pick up a birthday present for his father and I was secretly thrilled. When Al has to shop...it takes hours for him to find something. This time it didn't take long..only 2 hours. I had time to read excerpts of some of my favorite books. We got home at around 6 and I took a short nap because the beer made me drowsy.

After I woke up, we had a big debate about dinner... in between Al's discussion of his future business ventures. We ended up calling in an order for Asian food. On the way there, I thought my head would explode because he began discussing another venture. I tried to find the moon but it was either hiding or having sex with the spoon... so I couldn't zone out like I had before and this time he kept asking my opinion and wouldn't give up until I gave it ...which wasn't the opinion he wanted to hear...

and when I said I was burned out on talking about all this business stuff, he blew up, citing that it was me who wanted more intimacy!!!! It was me who wanted him to share things with me and hold my hand. I don't cry often but I did this last night because I was so frustrated with him. He doesn't understand what true intimacy and sharing are... that business talk is not intimate...I realized just how far apart we really are...

There are times when he says things without thinking and last night was one of those times... instead of saying I'm sorry for all he said and for making me cry, he made polite small talk as we ate. I joined in and we got over that bump.

When we finally went to bed, he asked if I had a good day. I said I did...except for the bump--it was a nice day.

And I'm truly beginning to think that if there's a fork in the road, I should pick it up.

A B-day Photo

Noone told me I was having a bad hair day! I guess it's the only part of me that was rebelling against another birthday.

William is on the left, I'm in the middle and Ben is on the right. My boys! They love me... and that's good enough for me.

Cakes, Candles & a CD

When I got home last night, my mom was there cooking up steaks for dinner and had a generic grocery store cake with pink roses and sparkle thingies on it. My brother, nephews and sister were there waiting for me. The nephews were excited about the cake I think or maybe just excited because kids do that...get excited.

We had dinner and then they drew around the cake and my sister put a ton of candles on it. I was like... "Lisa, the cake's not big enough for THAT many candles."

They sang an off-key Happy Birthday, which I pretended to direct and the nephews didn't blow out my candles! It was the first spit free cake we've had in years. I could have used the help though...it took me two tries to get all the candles out...

Presents!

My brother John handed me a gym bag and said, "I didn't wrap it, SherBears."

I took the bag and said, "Wow...a bag of dope! How cool!"

He said, "I don't have THAT kind of money. And I want the bag back."

So I slowly unzipped it and looked inside...no dope but...butt...buuuutttt there was a CD...and I squealed like a teeny bopper over the Beatles...

"A BAYCITY ROLLERS CD...OMG!" I squeaked again..

and again. "THE BAYCITY ROLLERS. I LOVED THEM WHEN I WAS IN THE 9th GRADE!"

To my sister I said, "Look... a Bay City Roller CD." I waved it around and then stopped to drool over it.

She said, "Do you remember that poster you had on your closet door? It was a picture of one of the Bay City Roller guys and all he had on was a looooooong plaid scarf and nothing else. That was the FIRST DARING thing that happened at THAT house." (She was referring to our childhood house which was dominated by my stepfather during the teen years).

I laughed...and realized I had forgotten about that. So we looked over the CD until we figured out which one it was. I wonder what I did with that poster..hmmm...

anyway...Mom comes over and wants to hold the CD. I had to inspect her hands and nails to make sure they were clean. My brother pointed out that the CD was still in its protective wrapper...we all know how protective wrappers can fail!

William the oldest nephew said, "I don't know them. I know Alvin & the Chipmunks."

Brother John pipes in, "They sound just like them."

I ignored that comment and went on to open my cards from my sister and mom, both contained money...a good thing.

Now I can go buy some plaid.

This morning my brother greeted me with a Happy Birthday and wished me a good day. I said, "Well, it should be. Remember last year was the first year I went backwards...so instead of being 46, I'm 43 instead."

He said, "How's that working for you, Sherrie?"

I said, "Not that great but I'm gonna keep trying. It may take a backwards wind down to 36 before I start feeling the effects."

But it was a good day in all..

Tomorrow

I'm taking birthday present deliveries between 11 am and 9 pm tomorrow. LOL.. if it's a big present, then I'll accept the delivery until around midnight.

Man of Sapphire and Wit

Man of Sapphire and Wit

I cannot remember you as you were;
slender boy of sapphire and wit,
burning across acres of youth and time;
every step a new beginning.


I was not a part of your first rite,
passage of boy into manhood,
swollen fruit bearing seed and hope
over lush green planes of passion.


Paths flow in circles and straight lines,
forks dividing lives into separate entities,
each seeking and some finding dreams
along the beaten trails of who we are.


Now an eternity later, lives molded by fate,
fickle with love and loss; restlessness a demon.
I now know you, man of sapphire and wit,
burning across the acres of my soul.


Each moment a gift of laughter and desire,
a second of touch and sound; souls blended.
The strength to embrace life a gift to treasure,
as I treasure you, man of sapphire and wit.

So...

I've come to the sad conclusion that Al and I will never get married. He's too busy putting other things in front of our relationship and is content with what we have--a Friendship. Yet he expects me to play weekend wife without so much as a passionate kiss or any form of validation.

The other day I spent time going over this blog and realized that I glossed over much about us, because I didn't want to face the truth--things had become the same as they were the first time around with me giving 110 % and Al popping out zero, if that much.

Do I want to live like this? No...I want a passionate life and I'm not referring to sex--but to passion between two people. We do not have it. He seems to think everything is fine...well on his end it is. I cook, clean and even call every morning to wake him up. IF he's down, I am there, if he's sick, I am there...and when he's working late hours and I won't see him but for 6 waking hours of the weekend, I am still there.

In the past 6 weeks, I've met another or rather had a personal 'reunion' with an old classmate... he's had more sorrow and illness that any person I've ever met at our age. Yet, he has the most positive attitude I've ever know. And he inspires me like no one before him. I feel as if I've awakened from a long sleep and am seeing the world for the first time.

There's not enough time now to write all I want... things are changing here and I've hidden from writing about the changes.

Time to face the music and write the truth...what lives in my heart. I've found that words give me strength...and now I know that positive thinking and realizing we've only got this one second in life... drive me too.

Eyes, Tea and the happy Dance.

My Opthalmalogist visit was a good one. My angle closure is staying put so there's no surgery slated for this year. Who knows about next year? My Doctor had me look at several videos about the procedure, etc. Then she looked into my eyes with a high-tech lens and ...whammy... she promptly did a double-take. And said in an amazed voice, "Sherrie, your angles have closed only a slight degree, if at all. I really thought we would have to do surgery."

She removed the bothersome lens away and sat staring at me. I blinked, thinking..."Cool." Then she said, "You eyes amaze me. When I thought you had glaucoma, they proved me wrong. And now, they're testing me again. I'm happy that you don't have to have surgery--surprised but happy."

Hell Doc...ME too! We should have both gotten up and did the happy dance.

Now ... I have to give up my morning coffee or at least not have it every morning. The Goddess of Java Beans is not HAPPY. She will come down from her lofty bean hill and smite me. But wait..I have mocha flavored lip gloss, suddenly things are looking up.

My mornings will consist of green tea...and herbal tea, starting today with peach flavored. It's different...not what I truly want but it's better for ocular hypertension. Eyes are important...they see what they want of the world around me and on occasion look inward. SO if it must be green tea or herbal tea...so be it.

But I will say this... paying homage to the Goddess of Tea Bags...doesn't sound quite right. LOL

Call off the Search Party...

I'm here.

One of the reasons I've been away is that I don't know what to write. My life has changed in so many ways. When I try to find words to begin again...in an old place that was once a great comfort, I can't find them...they run and hide. So I say...Ok..tomorrow I'll write.

But I don't.

My eyes are open to a new way of thinking...to a new awareness of life around me... to the ability to love life as it should be loved and people too.

So if you truly love life and if you truly love those around you, please take moments to appreciate the love. All you can give the people you love is time--a little of yourself. That's a great gift... time. So often we take it for granted...live each day as just a day and think of the next.

What if there wasn't a next? What if that life was gone in the next moment?

My wish to all that read here is that you find it in your hearts to love life, to let the petty things go and embrace the world around you. To love, to live, to cry and to fight the sad times with this knowledge that we don't have all the time in the world...that we should fight to live, fight to love and fight to breathe the air.

Don't give up on yourself or those you love. Each of us has a purpose in life, a gift... God's gift of us to this world.

I pray that each of you will find this blog post a comfort or a battle cry or maybe an uplifting moment...

Don't let it get away... like a wisp of heat in the winter. Grab on to every moment that you have and live...

Dream

I tend to have crazy dreams and am blessed to remember many of them. Yesterday morning I got up at 7 am to get my nephews ready for school. My sister picked them up at 7:15 and I slipped back into bed.

My dream was a strange one. I was in a huge bedroom filled with a crowd of people sitting in rows of chairs. On opposite ends of the room were two full sized beds facing each other. One held Obama and the other held McCain. They were debating. And I had to get into bed with each one to listen to their replies to the questions. They wore white shirts with red ties and had the bed covers tucked around them, smug like a bug in a rug. Whenever I tried to take a peek at their lower extremities, a secret service guy rapped my hand with a ruler.

So it is true...Politicians make for strange bedfellows.

Hello October

Another month kicked the bucket, and now October rolls in. My birthday arrives in 22 days, as my brother politely pointed out last night at Outback. He treated me to dinner. I had the Pecan Trout covered in candied pecans and served on a bed of wild rice and a side of steamed veggies. Very good. I suggest you also order the wine suggestion. It will cleanse the palate so that each taste is as crisp and fresh as the first.

Birthdays aren't what they used to be. As a kid, I was all excited about the present and the cake. As a young adult, I was all excited about the partying and sex. As a mature adult, I am not excited at all...wait a second. There is cake.

The last few birthdays have been depressing for me, not because I'm aging--I look damn good for 45. But because I miss a ritual that was an intricate part of my birthday, my maternal grandmother's memory.

When I lived away, she always sent a card with a special message penned and some money in it. Then sometime on my birthday or even the day after, she would call and say:

"I remember the day you were born. It was sunny and warm. The sun was so bright it hurt your eyes. When I first saw you, I loved you right away. I went to work the next day and my supervisor told me I was too young to be a grandmother. I was 37 years-old."

She would pause and I would wait, knowing there was one more important thing she had to say.

"I love all my grandchildren, but you will always be special because you were born first. I love you, Sherrie."

About three years ago, I got a card from her that was addressed crazy. She had written my first name and the first 3 letters of the last. On the street address, she put the number behind the street name and there was no zip. A sign of her mind becoming lost in the grips of Alzheimers. My mom marveled at how it got to me. I silently thanked the Postal Goddess for delivering it. It wasn't signed but the card was designed for a Granddaughter. At least I had the sentiments of that to comfort me.

After the party (since my nephews have arrived we have a party for everyone's birthday), I felt listless, as if something was missing. I didn't say anything. But I think Mom instinctively knew. She quietly called Grandmother and must have told her it was my birthday. When she handed me the phone, I didn't know who was on the line. Granny said, "Hey. Happy Birthday. No one told me. I don't have a present." But she did, even if she didn't realize it.

We talked and I made her laugh. Part of me prayed I would hear her birthday speech but it never came. We hung up and I cried that night, not because I aged a year but because my Grandmother would never be the same again.

That was the last card I recieved. Now when I talk to her I don't stress over what's not said, just embrace what is said. Part of growing older is dealing with changes, I don't look for a message or even a card now. But there is a part of me that yearns for a memory that made me feel extra special, even if only for a day.