My Holidays...

have been nice. Although I am very ill with a respiratory illness. Now it seems I've developed a bad sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. My immune system is down according to my doctor. I know it has to do with the stress of the holidays and grieving over Thomas.

I miss him so much. Every morning when I wake I have to remind myself that he's not here. When we had our class dinner last Sunday, I sat watching people interacting and would think.. "I can't wait to tell Thomas about....this or that!" Then I would remember that I can't and a sadness fell over me as I sat watching everyone have so much fun. Scott who was one of Thomas's best friends sat with me and we shared a sort of somberness as we looked around. Neither of us spoke much and when we did it was about Thomas... how he would have loved being there and so on.

Maybe when I am over this illness and feeling stronger, I won't be so sad. Maybe I'll find a way to start living like I was when he was alive, being the woman he so loved and admired.

Holidays

It's been a difficult 19 days without Teez but I'm surviving. The holidays are almost here and I'm so not in the spirit of things but I pretend. Good thing I can act. A major chest cold and I are battling over dominion of my body adn it's winning. Work is ok...keeping up with things without stressing out. The nephews are excited about the holidays and helped me decorate the tree this week.

Sunday a bunch of my OHS classmates and I are getting together to break bread. Should be interesting. I don't like half of them. My plan is to go over the reunion ideas I have and get feedback. Want this whole thing done and over with as soon as possible.

After the holidays I plan to do some heavy reflecting and try to figure out my next move... what I need to survive this life.

God sent me a laugh

Wes from next-door came by today to check on me. I told him about the dinner for Keith (the guy with Lou Gerigh's disease). I've organized a dinner for him with about 12 of our classmates and their spouses. We're having it in two Sundays. Told him where and when.

He said he was going to show up about mid-meal and walk up to me, crying and pleading for me to return to him saying "Sherrie, you've got to come back to me." Then to everyone sitting at the table, "She's my baby's momma. We need her back. The baby is 11-months-old. Sherrie said she was going to Bojangles for coffee 6 months ago and hasn't come back yet. We've got a 3-yr-old and a 7-yr-old at home. I just want my babies' momma back."

I laughed my ass off. I can just imagine some of the faces at the table...mouths open, eyes popping out. Then he said, "I'm gonna borrow an interracial child to take with me."

I said, "Do it. This is a hoot! Hey, would be cool if you could find an Asian child."

He pointed at me and said, "There ya go!"

I hope that my classmates understand that if a round pecan toned African American guy wearing expensive clothing comes up to me, crying and begging me to come home with him... not to think hard of me. I can't help it if the drive-thru at Bojangles takes months to go through.

so...

I'm here. Really thought I would be able to write about Teez's funeral services, etc. Thought I would be able to honor him and our love with a post, but I can't. My heart is so full of sorrow that it beats tears.

He wrote this to me on Oct. 13. It was titled Another Goodnight. We had already exchanged goodnight emails.

Games are over, both the CHARGERS & the DODGERS won! Yay! Anyway, your last message has been on my mind & in my heart so I had to say goodnight one more time...not sure why I felt the need to do so.

Sherrie, do not doubt the validity of your womanhood. You are a strong, passionate, sincere, & caring woman. Probably have touched me in ways no other woman has both in passion & in your soothing, enchanting words. You are so smooth with your writings, I find myself spellbound sometimes & longing for more...the endings making me yearn for an ending that's soon to come, but never quite welcome because it only means I have to wait for the next one. I want to hear your voice again right now, the softness of it, the sweetness of it in my ear...

I want you to know that the class reunion matters not a bit to me, but OUR "reunion" of sorts has brought renewed energy & vigor into my world. I feed off of you, you feed from me. It works! We've shared so much & yet it seems the pot is not empty, there is more to devour of each other. There is more yet to explore & experience. Life holds so many surprises, some pleasant & some not so pleasant. This one between us is proving to be a precious moment in my life, one to be treasured, embraced, & appreciated for every second it exists! Thank you Sherrie for the YOU you've shown me, for the fresh "breath" you've breathed into my restless soul...

You are appreciated. You are valued. You seek & have found your validation thru me...savor it, & your life to it's fullest!
TEEZ

In so many ways, he has created the measuring stick that I'll use on future lovers...one that very few will measure up to...if any.

Connections like ours are so rare. A once-in-a-life-time-thing I fear. Maybe in time I can hope to find it again.

Saying goodbye

Tomorrow is the funeral. Tonight the visitation at the Funeral home. Would you believe my fair-weather-friend Bonnie is driving me up there? She's called several times a day this week to check on me. I never would have believed it possible. I really am thankful for her friendship and now see her with different eyes.



Here is his obit link from the funeral home site. I left a condolence on behalf of our class. You can click on his name in the Obit list. Thomas loved attention. And would be glad I left this link for my readers.

Thomas wrote this as a reply to a blog post on my myspace page about What's really important about Living. Please read it and take to heart his words:


"Living" as I see it involves TIME, more than love but not excluding it. TIME spent with those you love, those you truly care about, even a distant neighbor wants TIME from those around them. Completely "centered" in our lives is this yearning to be part of someone's TIME. When all is said & done, all we have is our TIME & it is precious. There always seems to be very little of it to go around, but it's about prioritizing that time to include what's REALLY important. The TIME taken to stop & browse a book when in a store, the TIME taken to say yes to a freind's invitation to lunch even though we know we have other things to do. Special TIMES taken to go visit a person you've not seen in years...it's all about TIME.

When we leave this Earth, all we will carry with us is the legacy of how we spent our TIME. All anyone will remember of our lives is how we shared our TIME with them, if we did at all. Treasure TIME as if a precious diamond, unique yet so giving when shared. Touch those you love with TIME...
TEEZ


So if you are reading this, please live like Thomas...grabbing each day and making it yours. Keeping in mind that life and love are short and should be embraced. Find time for the people you love, because that is what is left behind...the memory of time spent together. Believe in positive thinking and never give up on yourself and life.

Hanging in here

Somehow I am managing to survive, even if with tears. I am amazed at the people who saw through mine and Thomas's banter on the myspace class page and knew there was more to us than just words. So many have sent me emails and called, offering support and telling me how Teez told them that I had made a difference in his life...and a few of his oldest and dearest friends thanked me for giving him such a wonderful send-off...that it was obvious to them that he suddenly had a spring in his step, a fire in his eyes and a smile in his soul after years of barely getting by.

There words are kind and taken to heart... yet how am I to fill this void he left... no more emails waiting for me...no more talks for hours...no more touches to my hair, to my body...

My day was so long.. and a few times I checked my email to see if he had written, only to be reminded he won't. Once the phone rang and I prayed to God that it would be him saying 'Gotcha.'

I miss him so much. Even as I am surrounded with loving emails and other things...they can't take the place of a man who made my life so bright, so full of love and everything positive. I know this will probably be the love of my life...and even with the pain, it is worth the love we shared...and the love that still breathes inside me.

One breath at a time...is how I am living until I can find a way to live without him.

Thomas...

died this morning. His heart gave out. My heart is breaking... and I don't know how it will ever be the same without his bright light.

So say a prayer or two for those of us who loved him.

Thanks.

I'll be back I'm sure.. to mourn and try to find my path.