Shame on me for letting time slip away. I have the usual excuses. The usual bullshit that we all give when we let time go by before we visit a good friend. This blog has always been here for me...to vent, to laugh, to cry and to write cheezy poetry.
Ever since Teez died I've been struggling for words to write. I come to this blog sometimes to write. I log on and stare into the white page of emptiness. Nothing comes to mind. So I leave and tell myself that another day will work. Next time, sometime anything will find its way down my fingers and over the key board.
But nothing.
I discontinued the internet service at work. The only time I get online now is in the mornings or at night...to go Facebooking. I lose myself in the games there. Disco Empire where disco rules and rap drools. To my fairy town, where I build lovely fairy houses so they can breed and make more fairies.... my zoo world where I breed and feed. Of all my friends, the ones I interact with are my game friends.
A sad way to be I think... but I confess. It's my retreat away from things.
This has been a most difficult year. Ever since April, we've been discussing closing the studio. But each time we set a date, we get busy. I take that to mean we should stay open until we set a date and are able to meet it. I figure by Jan, we'll be able to do that. What next? Work from home and see where it goes I guess.
Allen and I are still together. He was in Kuwait working from June 3 until Oct. 30. Supply clerk at Camp Arifjan. He loved it but got screwed out of his contract by a stupid ass who was suppose to cut 96 jerk offs and rotten apples from the company. Instead he just pulled up the first spread list of employees and axed 96 of them. Al included. He's back home now. Depressed and drinking. I am at my wit's end at times.
While he was gone, I thought that I would be able to really invest some time into myself. Write, edit one of my novels, visit friends and Teez's grave. But no... I didn't get to do any.
Al let a 'friend' of his stay in his house rent-free in exchange for keeping Slick-the cat and doing home improvements that Al would fund when he saved up money. The guy turned out to be the worse jerk I've ever known...after a few days he lost the cat. (He brought in pit bulls and I think that's why she got out) This jerk gave me hell. I've never in my life met anyone who considered me, Al's right hand and girl that he adores with all his heart...a third party. That's what the guy called me. When I would relay messages from Al, he would ignore them, saying he needed to talk to him and not a third party. The guy refused to help me find the cat. If I put out food in spots I thought she might hide, he moved it. I set out a trap I borrowed, covered it with brush...he uncovered it and moved it. I once put a bowl of food in it...he took it out and put in a can of salmon. The large kind. Like a cat can eat out of that.
Finally after dealing with this ass for two months, he moves out. Leaving the house a total mess. Dog shit all over the floors, stuff missing like the towels, some furniture...dishes and bowls. He even took one of Al's shoes. Just one. Maybe he's got a third foot somewhere. He scratched up the hardwood floors. He broke some lamps. I cleaned that house from early Sept until mid Oct. It took that long to get the dog crap up. I've never seen the likes of filth that this guy left.
Naturally when Al got home he was pretty upset and still is. We never found the cat. We call for her all the time but I think she's either moved on to a faraway land or is dead.
While he was gone, I had to deal with his personal business. And at times that was tough because he went over there so fast, we didn't get me power of att. Next time, will be different.
What's weird is that dealing with that jerk has changed me in many ways. I have no tolerance for stupidity. I tell it like I see it. Before...I always hung back, trying to find words that would be gentle and kind and it I couldn't find them.. I would stay silent.
When Al came home, I felt a big pressure leave me. The time he spent there, we could only communicate through email and yahoo chat. We discussed things without arguing. We encouraged each other and I think surprised each other as well. Now that he's back, I feel a unity that is amazing. I don't have expectations anymore. I just take each moment we are together and enjoy that moment, even if it's not the best in the world. It's still a moment.
I found my muse again. I'm writing my 7th novel for NaNoWriMo.org. And it's flowing off my fingers. I am at 39,000 words as I write now. I know I'll finish this one ..that is if the creek don't rise. I've got a 4/3 record and I hope I make it a 5/3 this year.
Please forgive me for not writing, dear blog. Maybe now that I have words again. I'll be back sooner than you think.
