A Letter to a Love

Dear Robert,

A long time has gone by now... I'm amazed I can still recall the green of your eyes, the sharpness of your jawline and the way your skin tasted so salty after our loving. But some memories never fade. They stay with us to give us hope, to give us strength...strip them away and there isn't much to live for.

I think of you every day. Wonder if you're alive and well, happy even. With every accomplishment, every moment of joy, I wonder what your thoughts would be. Do you think of me? Do you look up at the sky at night, studying the stars, trying to guess which one I wish upon? I know you don't wish on them. You once told me that it was a waste of breath. Maybe so..maybe so. I don't agree. Stars represent hope. You never seemed to grasp that concept.

But you aren't to blame...you are pure military down to the bone.

I'll never forget when I was approached about meeting you. I can still hear Dale saying, "Sher, I've got the perfect guy for you. He's never been married, sane and is looking for an intelligent woman to date. He's army but don't let that be a factor."

Oh how I balked. Not at the army part but at the 'perfect guy part.' I had grown disenchanted with love. Lucky for us, she took charge and gave you my number. I'm smiling now at the cavalier way we danced around each other, neither thinking for an instant that there might be magic waiting to happen.

I'll never forget the first time I saw you. How surprised I was that you were actually attractive! But what got my attention was the same look on your face, as if to say, "Wow, she's not bad."

Yes we had our misgivings and our doubts, mine was about your sense of humor...your's was about my accessories. I wasn't worried about that part...I knew I could change accessories...I wasn't too sure about your humor.

What impressed me the most was the way you cut through my bullshit...you did it was a confidence that made me take note. I remember thinking, "Finally a man who knows me intuitively." None have since, Robert. I keep hoping but I know in my soul that none ever will, not like you did.

I'll never forget that first kiss. The way you touched my face, my hair...as you kissed me. How you pulled me deeper into the kiss and how it ended into another which ended into another... so many kisses. Remember how we looked up at the moon, laughing...only to start kissing again.

And that night...that magical night, I believed in love at first sight...love at first kiss.

We had our ups and downs, mainly you disappearing for months. I was prepared for it though, especially after hearing you stories about leaving the country on a mission and returning to find old girlfriends dating others. Hearing your stories, all I could think was "How can any woman not wait for the man she loves?" When you would disappear, I knew it was because of a mission. I patiently waited. And looked at the stars nightly until you returned.

I'll never forget the first time you came back. There I was...just as you left me. I'll never forget the disbelief in your voice when you realized I had waited. I lied though, when you asked if I had been lonely. I was and in many ways, still am.

So began our journey...absence and reunion, such a twisted knot.

Until 9/11.

Until the war on terror...

You had to go. It was your job. I'll never forget the way you explained that loving me kept your mind off your job and that many lives depended on your clear thinking...so it was either me or the death of others. You chose your job. I knew you would and I understand, even now.

Since you've left, I haven't loved wholeheartedly. I've tried. But truth be told, I tend to chose men who are emotionally unavailable. Maybe my way of being true to you...true to the love I still hold deep inside.

Dale's moved away, so we can't get the updates on each other like we did after you left the final time. The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago. She said she had seen you. That you asked about my health, about my happiness... and she told you that I 'got by.' You probably wouldn't be happy to hear that she told me you looked so full of regret when you asked about me. I don't think about it much. Why drive myself insane?

It's your birthday today...March 23. My horoscope for today told me not to live in the past. I don't... but on days like this one, I think its okay to visit.

Do I still love you? Yes, but its a love that is free. It doesn't bind me. When you first left, when I realized I would never see you again, I felt the world would go black. One day, a few months later I realized that the moon still held mystery, that the stars still winked at me--daring me to ask them to bare their secrets... life still went on, Robert...it still held beauty and though my heart, my soul was empty.... I couldn't resist it...

Would you like me now? The changes are subtle. I'm more at peace than I was. Content in some ways, accepting in others. I take the moment and I seize it...make it mine. I'm sure you are different in ways too. I can't imagine what you've gone through.

With every love I've had, I've learnt something...from you, from the love I have for you still...I learned that you can't hold on to love, you can't hold on to another...there is no control over either... I learned the ability to love and not resent it, to continue living even when the center of that love is no more and to be thankful I had the love, to be thankful that it still exists inside me.

You may not believe in the power of the stars, the power of hope but I do. Maybe I'll never see you again. Maybe I'll never again hold in my arms, a love like ours...but I do have one thing...I do have hope. I'm not afraid.

Maybe one day our stars will touch again.